Secret Agent Man

by Saber ShadowKitten

There's a man who lives a life of danger. To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger. Oh, be careful what you say, or you'll give yourself away. Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow. Secret Agent Man. Secret Agent Man. They've given you a number, and taken away your name.

-P.F. Sloan

Part One

"That was a pretty good movie," Xander said as he and his friends left the theater.

"Xander, you just liked Uma Thurman in all those tight clothes," Willow replied, shaking her head.

"Nu-uh. I liked her car, too," Xander said.

"Well, I certainly thought that John Steed was a hottie," Buffy said. "Who plays him again?"

"That would be Ralph Fiennes. You pronounce it Rayf Fines. It's French, I think," Willow said.

The trio were just passing the park when Buffy spotted some unwanted visitors.

"Guys. Vamp alert. Wait here, I'll be just a sec," Buffy said, pulling a stake out from her sleeve. She left Willow and Xander and made her way into the park.

"So, Will, how's the furry one?" Xander asked.

"Oz is fine, Xander. He had rehearsal tonight or else he would've come with us. What about Cordelia?" Willow replied.

"Oh, she had some sort of Country Club shindig to go to," Xander said. "She said it was for…"

Xander suddenly slumped over in front of Willow. Willow screamed. A man stood there smiling evilly at her. He said something in what sounded to Willow as Latin and then ran off into the night.

Buffy ran up to her and the unconscious Xander. "What happened?"

"I don't know, Buffy. There was a man, then Xander just suddenly collapsed, then the man said something before he ran off," Willow replied.

"Oh, my head," Xander said from the ground. He opened his eyes to see Buffy and Willow leaning over him. "What happened?"

"You don't know?" Buffy asked.

"No. One minute I was talking to Willow, now I'm looking up at you," Xander said, standing up.

"C'mon. Let's get you home."


"I'm telling you Giles, it was very strange," Willow said, looking up at the British man in tweed.

"Do you recall what the man said?" Giles asked.

"No. It sounded Latin, but I couldn't be sure," Willow replied.

Buffy, Oz and Cordelia entered the library together. "Hey guys!" Buffy said, sitting on the counter.

"Hello Buffy, Oz, Cordelia," Giles said, taking off his glasses and wiping them.

"Have you guys seen Xander yet?" Cordelia asked.

"No. He didn't walk to school with me," Willow said.

The doors to the library opened.

"Xander?!" Everyone gasped.

Xander strode in, dressed to the nines, in a dark gray slacks, white shirt and tie, dark gray vest and a suit coat over the top. His hair was slicked back and in his hands he was carrying an umbrella and a bowler.

"Ladies. Gentlemen. And how are we this fine afternoon?" Xander asked surveying the library.

Cordelia's mouth hung open. "What happened to you? Not that I'm saying you don't look good. In fact, you look fine. But still, what happened to you?"

"I am not quite sure what you are speaking about," Xander said.

"Uh, Xander?" Buffy said from the counter. "Why are you talking like Giles?"

Xander ignored her and went over to Giles. "I say, do you have any tea?"

"Tea? What…um...oh, yes. I...uh…of course. Tea," Giles went into his office and brought out a cup. "Sugar?"

"No thank you. Lemon, with a twist if you have it," Xander said.

"Sorry, no," Giles replied, looking at Xander curiously.

Xander sipped his tea. The rest of the group just stared at him. "So, anything I should know about? No? Well, I shall be off then. Thank you for the tea. I shall see you all later." He made a slight bow, put on his bowler, and walked out the door.

The group looked at one another.

"What was that all about?" Buffy asked.

"I am not quite sure," Giles said. "Although, he was quite polite."

"Giles, this is Xander we are talking about. He only owns one suit and that wasn't it," Willow said. "Maybe it has something to do with that guy from last night."

"Is it just me, or did he remind you of that hottie in the movie last night?" Buffy asked Willow.

"Movie?" Giles asked.

"We say The Avengers last night," Willow told him.

"Ah, yes. Lovely British humor," Giles said. "Do you think he was hit on the head? If so, he might be suffering from the trauma."

"I don't know. It didn't look like he was hit," Willow said.

"Well, if that's the case, he'll snap out of it soon enough. If not...well..." Giles replied. "Cordelia, why don't you work with Willow on a sketch of the man she saw last night. Buffy, would you please keep an eye on Xander."

"I'm on it," Buffy said.

Part Two

Buffy heard fighting in the graveyard as she started her patrol. She ran to help, but stopped when she saw what was happening.


Xander, still dressed in the same gray suit as before, bowler perched on his head, was fighting five vampires...and beating them to a pulp.

Buffy watched in amazement at Xander's fluid movements. She saw him lash out with his umbrella, catching one of the vamps in the face, throwing him down. Another vamp tried to grab him from behind, but Xander drove the point of the umbrella back under his arm without turning, staking him.

She continued to watch in fascination as Xander dusted the remainder of the vampires. She then approached him cautiously.

"Xander?" Buffy said.

"Oh, hello, Ms. Summers," Xander said, removing a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping off his face.

"What was that all about?" she asked him, indicating the piles of ashes.

"Oh, nothing to worry yourself over," Xander said casually. He offered her his arm. "Shall I escort you home?"

Buffy took his arm. "Xander, are you ok?"

"Why ever do you ask?"

"You're acting really wiggy."

"'Wiggy?' I am afraid I have no idea what you are speaking of," Xander replied.

"'What I am speaking of?' Xander, snap out of it! You sound like Giles." Buffy said.

"I am sorry, but I do not know what you are speaking of," Xander said patiently, as if he were speaking to a child.

Buffy clasped her lips together in annoyance.


"I think I've found it," Cordelia said, holding a book out so Willow could see.

Willow looked at the picture in the book. "That's him, alright."

Giles took the book from Cordelia and began to read. "A miscreant is a being who casts spells for the pure fun of it. Closely related to the fey, these creatures tend to be mischievous and constantly cause trouble for humans. Their favorite trick is to listen in on conversations, then cast spells based on what they heard."

"We were talking about the movie just before Xander got...well, zapped," Willow said, excitedly. "How do you reverse it?"

"Let's see. Hmm. 'There are two ways to reverse a miscreant's spell. The first is to let the spell run its course, which is five to ten moons depending on the strength of the miscreant.'"

"Five to ten moons! Giles, that's five to ten months," Willow said looking at Cordelia. "What's the other way?"

"The other way is for something personal to Xander happen, thus breaking through his alter ego. In other words, something that differentiates between Xander and...well...his 'secret agent' persona," Giles said.

"So, maybe we should load up on his favorite food and see if that snaps him out of it," Willow suggested.

"It's worth a try," Giles said.

Part Three

Over the next several days, the gang tried everything they could think of to bring Xander around. Nothing seemed to work. Cordelia even tried smoochies in their closet, to no avail.

On the plus side, Xander made an excellent partner for Buffy. He was so efficient that Buffy didn’t have to do anything.

"Wow, Buffy," Willow said as they watched Xander in action.

"Yeah, wow is right," Cordelia said. "Who would have thought my boyfriend could be so…so…coordinated."

Buffy laughed at her friend’s comment. "As I was telling you, Xander is a lean, mean fighting machine."


The ended the week with a trip to the Bronze. Oz's band, Dingo's Ate My Baby, was playing.

Xander stood uncomfortably at the table. He was again wearing the dark gray, three piece suit, bowler and carrying the umbrella. "What do you call this infernal racket?" he asked over the music.

"It's music, Xander," Buffy said. "You know, stuff you use to like and danced like a maniac to?"

Xander shook his head. "I think not." He turned to leave. "Good night, ladies. I shall be taking my leave."

Buffy started to go after him, but Cordelia stood up first. "I'll go Buffy and bring him back."

Buffy nodded and Cordelia followed Xander outside. "Xander?"

Xander turned towards Cordelia. "May I help you?"

"Xander, come on back inside for awhile longer. Maybe we can dance?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, Miss Chase. I think I shall retire for the evening. Thank you for the offer," Xander replied and tipped his hat at her.

"But..." Cordelia started to say, but Xander already walked off.

Xander shook his head at the attention the ladies were giving him. Sure, he was handsome, but duty first. He had just turned the corner when he heard a scream. Racing back the way he came, he saw a man attacking Cordelia.

"Miss Chase!" Xander shouted and ran towards the duo.

The vampire looked up, snarling, a burn mark on his face from where Cordelia had sprayed him with Holy Water. He dropped Cordelia's body to the ground and lunged at Xander.

Xander stopped the vampire's lunge mid flight with the tip of his umbrella. The vampire turned into ashes in front of him.

Xander quickly ran over to the fallen Cordelia, feeling for a pulse. "Miss Chase?" Feeling a strong pulse, he picked her up and carried her into the night.

Part Four

Xander arrived at his house still carrying an unconscious Cordelia. He opened the door and laid her on his bed. Thinking that he lived alone, since his parents had been gone, he had no quandaries about her being there.

Xander went into the bathroom and got a cold washcloth. He returned to the bedroom and wiped Cordelia's face with it. He looked at her face. "Lovely," he murmured, gently caressing her with the washcloth.

Cordelia stirred. "Xander?"

"Shh. You're safe," Xander said, setting the washcloth aside.

Cordelia eyes opened and looked at him. "Xander? Where are we?"

"My home," Xander said. Unknowingly, he ran a finger down the side of her cheek. "You're really quite lovely, Miss Chase," he said quietly.

Cordelia's breath caught in her throat. Xander's finger was leaving a burning sensation down her cheek. She looked up at him with desire.

Xander leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Cordelia's He tasted her lips cautiously, prepared to break it off at the first sign of resistance. When he encountered none, he tentatively traced her lips with his tongue.

Cordelia shivered under his administrations. She brought one hand up and ran her fingers through his thick hair.

Emboldened, Xander parted Cordelia's lips with his tongue, evading her mouth. Their tongues dance together intimately, arousing them both.

Xander moved his hand and cupped her breast through her shirt, rubbing his thumbs against her nipple, causing it to peak.

Cordelia moaned in her throat, arching into his hand. Xander started to kiss down her neck. He began unbuttoning her blouse, kissing down her body with every button's release. He separated the shirt, then unhooked the front clasp of her bra, baring her breasts.

Xander took one nipple into his mouth, rolling it with his tongue. Cordelia grasped the back of his head and held him to her. He used his free hands to unbutton her skirt.

Xander paused to remove the remainder of Cordelia’s clothing. "Beautiful," Xander said, taking in her nude form. He ran his hands up her body and lightly kissed her lips before removing his own coat, vest, tie and shirt. "Simply exquisite, Miss Chase."

He began to kiss down her body again. He moved between her legs, licking her womanhood.

Cordelia shuddered in pleasure as his tongue worked its magic on her clit. She felt him insert first one finger, then two into her body. Her muscles quivered around his fingers as he continued to suck and tease her.

Cordelia climaxed with great spasms. Xander held her body down with his free hand as she bucked wildly on the bed.

After Cordelia calmed down, Xander removed the remainder of his clothes and moved in between her legs. He kissed her passionately, rubbing his throbbing shaft against her.

Cordelia arched her hips into him, silently pleading for him to take her.

"Are you sure, Miss Chase?" Xander asked.

Cordelia paused at this question. This still wasn't her Xander, a voice said in the back of her head. She chose to ignore it and nodded her head.

Xander smiled down at her and slowly thrust into her. When he hit her maidenhead, he paused, a strange look in his eyes. "Miss Chase?"

Cordelia closed her eyes and swallowed. She reached her arms up and brought his head down and kissed him tenderly. She felt him thrust forward, ending her virgin status. Pain shot through her body and she tensed up. She felt Xander stop moving, allowing her to get use to him, then began to move again.

Pleasure soon replace the pain as Xander moved in and out of her body. They kissed deeply as Xander sped up his thrusting, taking them closer and closer to ecstasy.

Xander broke off the kiss with a deep groan. He looked down into Cordelia's eyes. "Cordelia?" he whispered as her climax gripped him. He felt her muscles clench around him, milking him and he came with one hard thrust.

Xander collapsed on top of Cordelia, spent. Cordelia, worried that she imagined her Xander had returned, did not move. Xander stirred and moved to look into her face. "Cordelia?"

Cordelia held her breath, hoping it was true. "Xander?"

"" he stammered as he tried to get his thoughts in order.

"Oh, Xander, you're back!" Cordelia sighed. She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him passionately, arousing them both immediately. Xander began to move again, bringing them both to a quick climax. As they settled down, Xander whispered in her ear.

"What happened?"

Cordelia quickly filled him in on the spell and the miscreant and all the things he had done while he was in his 'secret agent' persona. As she spoke, Xander ran his hand up and down her cheek, reveling in the feel of her skin.

"...and I guess that having sex with me brought you back," Cordelia concluded.

"No. Not having sex," Xander said. At her confused expression, Xander added "Making love."

Cordelia's face broke into a smile so bright, it lit up the dark room. Xander kissed her again, holding her close. "I love you, Miss Chase."

Cordelia paused and looked into his eyes. She saw the laughter twinkling in them and she socked him in the arm.


"I love you, too, you big dweeb," she said, laughing at his pained expression.

Xander laughed out loud, gathering her close to him, and holding her as if he were never letting go.


"So, Xand-man. How does it feel to be back to normal?" Buffy asked her friend, as they sat in the cafeteria.

"Well, seeing as I don’t remember anything, all I can say is ‘who’s normal?’" Xander replied with a grin.

The Slayerettes moaned at Xander.

"You never did tell us what happened, Cordy," Willow said. "How did you get Xander back?"

Cordelia started to stutter. "I…that is we…that is…I mean…"

Xander grabbed her hand. "She looked me deep in the eyes and called me ‘Pookey.’"

"’Pookey?’" Buffy asked, not believing her ears.

Xander just grinned.

The End