Here Comes The Bride

By Saber ShadowKitten
And Now For Something Completely Different 17

August 16,2000

"Will you please hold still."

"It hurts!"

"It wouldn't hurt if you'd just hold still!"

Xander's brows rose as he came out of Angel's bathroom, rubbing a towel against his wet hair. He ventured down the short hallway to the bedroom where the loud exchange was taking place, his unbuttoned khaki's riding low on his hips.

"I don't like you anymore."

"I never liked you to begin with."

Xander leaned his hip against the doorjamb and folded his arms over his chest, the towel dangling from his fingers. His lips curved into an amused smirk at the scene in the bedroom.

Angel was on his stomach on the bed, clad in only a pair of black silk boxers. Spike straddled Angel's waist, with a straight pin sticking out of the corner of his mouth and holding a pair of tweezers. A cereal bowl sat on the bed beside them and Spike was filling it with the splinters he removed from Angel's back.

"Ow!" Angel exclaimed, flinching. "I think you're hurting me on purpose."

"Probably," Spike responded. He dropped a long sliver of wood into the bowl.

"Insolent snot," Angel groused.

"Pansyass girl," Spike retorted.

Angel's growl turned into a hiss as Spike dug another splinter out of his back. "Sometimes I hate my job."

"Your job," Spike chortled. "Luv, I've patched your hulkingness up more times than Dru talked to the stars. You were always getting hurt."

"From having to constantly save your scrawny ass."

Spike shook his head, dropping another splinter into the bowl. "How you managed to live this long without me to mend your lard ass is something of a mystery."

"Believe me, it was easy," Angel grumbled.

"You know," Xander began, startling the two vampires. "If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that you two were married."

A large grin spread across Spike's face. "Well..."

"Don't. Even," Angel warned, pushing up on his hands.

Spike gripped Angel's hips with his thighs as he continued. "You see, precious, we are."

"No way," Xander said in disbelief.

"It's true," Spike said. He ruffled Angel's hair. "Tell 'im, hun-bun."

"Don't listen to him," Angel growled. "Spike's a lying...," he tried to buck Spike off, "...attention grabbing...," it didn't work, "...little shit."

"Oh!" Spike clutched his heart. "Such a horrid thing to say to your beloved."

Xander covered his mouth with his hand as he snorted in laughter. "You two..."

Angel twisted, grabbed Spike by the hair, and threw Spike onto the bed beside him.

Spike pulled the pin out of his mouth. "Oi! I could've swallowed this!"

"We are not married!" Angel hissed.

"Wait! Don't kill Spike until I hear this story," Xander said, getting himself under control.

"There is no story!" Angel protested.

Spike quickly stood and scurried to Xander's side. "You'll love this, ducks. Back in the day, Angelus loved to create long, drawn-out plans just to drive some poor chit mad."

"Spike...," Angel warned, taking a menacing step towards the blond.

Xander positioned himself between the two, his smirk telling Angel he wasn't going to move until the story was finished. He was hedging his bets that Angel wouldn't try to shove past him to get to Spike.

"One day, Angelus decided that he was going to marry some stupid bint he'd been toying with," Spike said. "He asked the girl, she said yes, time passes, and Angelus is waiting with a Magistrate to hold a private ceremony."

Angel let out an exasperated sigh, threw his hands in the air, and went to sit on the edge of the bed.

"The bride was covered from head-to-toe in white -- white dress, white gloves, thick gauzy white veil. Very pretty dress, in my opinion," Spike continued. "Anyway, the short marriage ceremony went off without a hitch, the Magistrate told Angelus to plant one on the bride, Angelus lifts the veil and--"

"--Spike bats his eyes at me and says: 'Hello, my darling husband. How's about a kiss?'" Angel finished, shaking his head. "I don't think I'd ever been more furious."

Xander looked at Angel, looked back at Spike, and burst into laughter.