Die, Riley, Die

by Saber ShadowKitten

"And how are you doing today?"

"Ok, I guess.  I had this really weird dream, though."

"Weird?  Would you like to tell me about it?"

"I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't."

"Now, there's no need to get hostile."

"I'm sorry.  I'm very stressed over some information I received yesterday from Sunnydale."

"Go on."

"It seems as though there's a new guy named Riley.  Riley Finn.  And he's...I don't like him and I haven't even met him."

"I take it that he is somehow involved with..."

"Don't say it.  I don't think I can handle hearing that name today.  Not after the dream."

"Ok.  Why don't you tell me about your dream."

"Well, it started with..."

Riley Finn whipped off his glasses and ran to a phone booth.  He quickly stripped out of his street clothes and emerged to the gawkers.  He was wearing a tight, bright green shirt, tube socks of the same color pulled up to his knees, a green top hat, and
a strategically placed shamrock right overhis...

"Wait, are you saying that Mr. Finn thinks he's some sort of superhero?"

"Superman, but an Irish one.  Now, can I go on?  I thought psychiatrists weren't suppose to interrupt."

"Sorry.  Continue."

....face, so no one could guess his identity.  There were little eye holes cut out and it was tied around his head with a green ribbon.  Oh, and he was wearing green tights with a pair of white tidy-whities over the top.

After the gawkers stopped laughing, he started running towards where the trouble was.  Buffy was fighting this really mean demon, named Joss, and he was rushing to save her.  So, Riley Finn leapt into the fray, hog-tied Joss, and made him write that he and Buffy got together in his magical scripts.

Buffy had panicked, which was nice to see, and she ran all the way to Spike's.

"Spike?  I thought he was a bad guy?"

"He is, but not really.  Not since he was blackmailed into helping Buffy out."


Spike was surprised to see her at his place, and even more surprised to see a guy in green tights with white briefs over the top running after her.  She quickly explained about the demon, Joss, and what Mr. Riley Finn wanted and Spike told her he'd take care of it.

That's when things really started to get weird.

Spike grabbed Riley Finn while Buffy made her escape out the back door.  He tied him to a chair and was planning on torturing Super-leprechan until he died.  So, Spike turned on the Teletubbies.

Riley Finn jagged-off.

Disgusted, Spike turned on Barney.

Riley Finn jagged-off faster.

Spike was pissed, so he took out a white, plastic spoon.  Suddenly, the door open and this guy ran in and grabbed the spoon out of his hands.  He told Spike, who was identical to the man, that he was James Marsters and that he needed to have the spoon.

Then there was screaming and James Marsters bolted out the back door just as a gaggle of twenty and up women came running into the room, all holding spoons and yelling 'We are the James Marsters Spoon Worshipping Cult.'  Spike frowned and pointed towards the back door, and the women all ran in that direction.

But a few stayed behind and drooled. Spike asked them what was wrong and they said that they were Spike Girls, too.  Spike grinned his cocky grin and they all fainted and he had them for lunch.

Meanwhile, Riley Finn had jizzed all over himself and was hoping that Spike would turn the Teletubbies back on when the television screen flashed and a woman yelled 'DIE, RILEY, DIE' at the top of her lungs.  He panicked and now his tidy-whities weren't so white anymore.

Spike didn't know what to do, other than to kill him like the woman screamed.  After all, he wanted in Buffy's pants and he didn't want anyone else there, especially not some Irish guy named Riley Finn who thought he was Superman.  Not that Spike is going to get anywhere near what's in Buffy's pants, but that's not the point.

So, Spike tried to think of a better way to kill Riley Finn, but couldn't because he's not that smart.  And he's short.  Anyway, while Spike was debating how to kill Riley Finn, the green-wearing prick escaped and went after Buffy again.

But he never made it to Buffy's, because a mob of women -- some Spoon Worshipers, some Spike Girls, some ASS Brigade members, and a sprinkling of the old Leather Brigade members - hijacked Riley Finn.  Led by the Impure group, they chopped him up into little pieces and sent them COD to the demon Joss.

Then Buffy was sad again, but single and loving it.  That whole Girl Power thing had come back, only they wore khaki's and really skimpy tank tops.  But then she was naked and in bed and was about to be fu-

"Do you suppose that the meaning behind this dream is because Buffy is moving on and it hurts you?"

"No, the meaning is a lot simpler than that."

"And what's that, Angel?"

A slow, evil smile crossed Angel's face.  "Die, Riley. Die."