Drunken Silliness

by Saber ShadowKitten

"Nobody cares about me, Mister Bunny," Willow moaned, flopping onto Xander's folded up hide-a-bed. She gave the stuffed rabbit hanging by its neck from a rope off of the lamp a baleful look. "I might as well be a member of the Donner Party. At least then I'd have been eaten. And eating someone else is a sign of caring. Just look at Spike! He eats those he cares about."

The redhead looked over at the blond vampire kneeling half-clothed on the floor next to the orange, comfy recliner. Empty bottles of McEwan's Scotch Ale were scattered around him. She watched as he carefully added another bottle to the tower he was building.

"What'cha doing?" Willow asked.

"Aye, missy, wot does it look like I be doin'?" Spike replied, sounding like Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpson's. "I'm buildin' a bleedin' castle."

"Um, Spike, weren't you British a few minutes ago?" she said.


Willow flopped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. "I have the weirdest friends."

"And who be sayin' that I's yer friend, missy?" Spike said.

"Fuck you, Spike."

Spike's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Psheah, right," Willow snorted. "I may be inebro- inmebe- inenimenieminiemo, but I'm not that drunk."

The blond vampire crawled across the floor and up over her on the couch. He leered down at her. "You sure about that, ducks?" he purred.

"I'd rather be tortured by the Spanish Inquisition," she replied. "They could dress me in evil plaid pants and make me join the cast of Passions-"

"Hey, I like that show!"

"-and beat me repeatedly with a frying pan," she continued. "And even then I still wouldn't have...you know...with you!" She put her hands on his chest and heaved him off of her. He fell onto the floor with a thud.


"Serves you right, you big weenie," Willow said.

Spike sat up and glared at her. She smirked. He slid into game face and exclaimed, "'Death awaits you with nasty, big, pointy teeth!'"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Willow screamed, causing Spike to cover his ears, as she jumped up from the couch. She bolted for the basement door leading outside. "'RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!'"

With a gleeful, fang-filled grin, Spike shot to his feet and gave chase. "I'm going to get you, Willow!"


The two burst out of Xander's back yard, running full speed. Willow crashed into the hedge bush and bounced back, landing on her butt on the hard ground. Spike skid to a halt beside her, pointed, and started laughing. Willow stuck her tongue out at him.

"Is that another invitation, luv?" Spike asked, waggling his brows.

"Spike, you'd have to look exactly like Trent Reznor in those leather pants for me to even consider kissing you," Willow replied.

Spike stuck out his lower lip in a pout after his face reverted back to its smooth, handsome planes. He stalked over to the hedge bush as Willow got to her feet.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm takin' a pisser," he answered.

"Spike, you're a vampire," Willow pointed out. "You don't need to pee."

Spike turned around. "Oh. Right," he said. He frowned at the redhead. "What's wrong?"

Willow stood staring at him, her mouth in a perfect 'o', a red flush staining her cheeks. Spike looked down and saw that he was flashing her his bits. He grinned lasciviously. "Like what you see, pet?"

"Those African Swallows sure have their work cut out for them," Willow said in a breathy voice.


"You've got some mighty big coconuts there, Spike."

Then she pounced on him.


Xander and Anya walked up the driveway of his house, a second bag of rented Monty Python videos in hand in order to continue the small, drinking party in his basement.

"Xander, is your bush suppose to be doing that?" Anya asked, pointing at the shaking hedge.

"The only time a bush shakes like that is when there's people UFO by it," Xander replied. "Or it's some nasty Hellmouth bush monster that's planning to eat us when our backs are turned."

They exchanged a glance, then hurried towards the house. Once safely behind locked doors, Anya asked, "Xander, what's a 'People UFO?'"

"'People Unabashedly Fucking Outside.'"