Saber's Guide To Writing Spike And...

Ok, first --
You need to decide the number of bad guys. Personally, I've stuck Spike up against eight before (Snow Angels) in hand to hand and had it still be believable. If he's gonna go the 'manly' route and use a weapon, there could be more. Oh, and men & women, or just men? (or women?)

Dos-
Where is the shindig going to take place? Alley? Living room? Empty warehouse? Note the surroundings and what can be used. If they're going to do it at the mansion in the main room, picture the furnishings. Spike can be bouncing all over them and the fireplace can always come in handy while singing 'Chim Chiminey' in a bad Dick Van Dyke, Mary Poppins accent.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?
Three -
what is Spike wearing? What are the others wearing? This may seem trivial, but it is important. Duster or not? Does he have his shoes on? Are the others in regular clothes, or do they have something he could grab onto and toss them across the room. This will effect how he moves and the descriptions.

Gimme a four!
Attitude. Is he going to be knee deep in rage or will he be furious, but in a whimsical way which leads to witty banter that the others can't keep up with? Will he show a deadly calm or will we see a vamped out Spike not in control of his emotions?

Five.
Choose the types of death you want to use. Fire? Stake? Beheading? Neck snapping for later stakage? Sunlight?

Sex....er, six.
Layout. How is he coming into the room? Or is he already there? Where are the others in position to him? Where is the furniture/dumpster/cars/metal columns in regards to him? How about in regards to the baddies?

Lucky seven. Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!
Spike seems to be kinda good on the martial arts stand point, but I see him doing more dirty street fighting. Hair grabbing, knee to the nuts, ear pulling, eye gouging - especially if there's a large number of foe. I doubt he'd care about playing 'fair' when under attack. He doesn't have any cool acrobatic skills, other than the rolling easily to his feet after a throw, so no flips and stuff. He could jump over someone if he used a couch or dumpster to start from, but not on his own. He'd also probably grab whatever was handy and use it as a weapon. I know I brought it up earlier as a choice, but he seems the type. Even a chair pillow can make a good destractor if thrown at someone's face.

The hardest part of doing fight scenes is labeling the bad guys. Vamp #1, #2, #3, etc. If they could have a distinguished scar or clothing on, it makes it easier to describe then continuing to use numbers. (e.g. Spike grabbed Bug-eye's tidy whities from behind and yanked up, giving the vampire a wedgie to end all wedgies.) However, make sure you're consistent in your naming. Name them once and then stick with it. Don't call the baddie BugBoy the first time and then the Boy With the Bugs the next.

The last vamp standing should always be the 'special' one. Have him do an 'ut-oh' when he realizes he's odd man out. Decide if he should request his brown pants or go out fighting. If fighting, have Spike grab whatever weapon and disarm him in a second. If he's not using a weapon, have him catch his arm/leg and hold it while he gives Darius the evil eye. Then rip his throat out. Or stake him. Or use whatever weapon on him. Or give him the kiss of death and let him go, then throw a stake at him so he dies running out the door. Or skewer him to the wall, like Rutger Hauger did in Ladyhawke. Or...

You get the picture

Still stuck?? Get out your action flicks and watch them. I'd recommend Batman/Batman Forever. The characters are 'human' and have human limitations, that's why I like these two.

1) Imagine someone doing things to you

2) Go slow with your imagination - we want texture, dearies

3) Get thee to a Penthouse Letters magazine or something similar

4) Want romantic smut? Flip through some bodice rippers in the romance section of your local bookstore. (If the cover has half-naked men and women drawn on it, it's bound to have lots of smut).

5) Get a husband to practice on. Boyfriends work, too. Or Girlfriends. Or just get some toys.

6) Watch a porno, or better yet, watch one of those 80s Rated R movies found in the Romantic Comedy section. They have fun, cheesy sex scenes.

7) If the scene involves Spike -watch his episodes over and over and over and over and over... and a few more overs to get some inspiration!

8) Use your instincts. If you don't like writing about fellatio or cunilingus, don't. A good, hard screw with little foreplay is just as much fun as the drawn out stuff.

9) Description! Combine with no.2. We want to see what the lovers look like. What their reactions are to looking at each other. The sounds/screams/purrs they make.

10) Enjoy what you are writing and your readers will enjoy it, too. Especially if it involves Spike!

This has been a test of the emergency kitty system. We now return you to your regularly scheduled smut.

Spike speak is almost exactly like normal Angel speak (e.g. he doesn't use Buffy/Willow slang) with a few English words thrown in. He's not a cockney, which has its own 'slanguage,' which makes all the world a difference.

General words he uses:

For emphasis: bloody, soddin', effin', frickin/friggin
(where we would say "I can't believe you'd do a thing that!" He'd say "I can't believe you'd do a bloody thing like that!") Warning: don't put too many in. It's only for emphasis. Kinda like our saying "fuck" or "fucking" in our sentences before certain words (though Londoners pretty much put "fuck" or "fucking" in every sentence they utter).

He'd always use bollocks or knackers for testicles
Though 'knackered' means tired.
Gob = mouth (shut your gob)
Gob-smacked = speechless
Trousers = any and all types of pants

Telling someone to get lost or how we would say "fuck you": piss off, bugger off, sod off

When we'd say 'oh god' because the world is about to end, he'd say 'bloody hell' or 'bugger.'

Poof/pouf is a derogatory term for a homosexual male. So is 'nancyboy' or 'trotter.' 'Nonce' is extremely derogatory.

Pillock, wanker, tosser basically mean "masturbater." Wanker is extremely rude.

Peaches, pet, luv, ducks, sweets... are used in general conversation in place of someone's name. Not really used because of affection for that person.

Bloke is used when the speaker doesn't know the person personally
Chap is more of an acquaintance
Mate is like pet, luv, ducks but for a male.
Chum is mostly a friend, but can be used negatively.
Note: Spike tends to use pet names a lot, but they're rare in normal conversation.

Shag, get a leg over, give a good seein' too, all mean to have sex. 'Get off' means basically hooking up with someone, usually leading to everything from kissing up to the sex act, mostly used by teens and under.

Cow, dozy mare, bint, cunt and twat (which are extremely rude) are all derogatory terms for females (like our bitch, whore, although he'd use those terms, too)

Pub= bar
motor= car

"She's gagging for it" = deragotory, i.e. she's so horny she'd do anything to get laid.

In general, you just want to pepper Spike's speaking with a few British words, not overload the piece. Spike is written by Americans and played by an American, and 'cannon-wise' he's supposedly been in America at least since the 1960s, so his speech patterns will be American rather than English.

Based on information I've gathered, Angelus would have what I shall term a "thin" Irish vocabulary, as opposed to a "thick" Irish vocabulary due to his education and status in the upper middle class. Therefore, his English would be more proper, unless he became upset, leading him to slip into a heavier brogue.

When writing "thin" Irish, the useage of the words "you", "your", and "you've" are proper.

When writing "thick" Irish, the words are replaced with "ye", "yer," and "ye've".

Other vocabulary changes when writing both "thin" and "thick" Irish:

English	Irish
of	o'
to	t'
not	no'
with	wit'
my	me
maybe/perhaps	mayhap(s)
nothing	naught
it is	'tis
it will	'twill
s/he is	s/he be
isn't	isna
wasn't	wasna
couldn't	couldna
shouldn't	shouldna
wouldn't	wouldna
didn't	didna
don't	dinna

If a word ends in "-ing" it changes to "-in'".

The use of the word "bloody" as an alternate for "damn" is the same as with the English.

Note: Angelus may speak Irish Gaelic, a language all its own.

When writing male/male slash, it is very important to have a working knowledge of the male anatomy.

For the actual sex part, it's just like writing m/f smut (see the smut guide above), only you have two beings with the same anatomy. This makes it very difficult, at times, to write. Why? I can answer that in one word:

Pronouns.

Here is an example of bad pronoun usage:

Spike slowly ran his tongue over his shaft, causing him to groan. He smirked at the throaty sound he was making. This was fun, he thought, sucking down hard on the long, pale length in front of him. Angel bucked his hips and let out a strangled cry.

See what I mean?

To accurately depict two men having at it, watch your grammar when changing who is doing what to whom. Remember who's POV the story is in, too. Have that person be the subject of the sentence more often than not. Here's the same example using better pronouns:

Spike slowly ran his tongue over Angel's shaft, causing him to groan. Spike smirked at the throaty sound Angel made. This was fun, Spike thought, sucking down hard on the long, pale length in front of him. Angel bucked his hips and let out a strangled cry. Correction, Spike thought, this was really fun.

You want to pay close attention when you're writing m/m slash smut scenes. If you have two "He," "His," or "Hims" in a row, make sure you are writing about the same one person who is the noun of the sentence.

Torture (from the Latin torquere, to twist) has been used since humans could walk. It's concept is based on two things: 1) that we have imaginations, and 2) that our bodies are susceptible to pain.

Torture is either used for punishment or for extracting desired information. It is not to be confused with the act of Dominance, which centers around the idea of controlling another. In the Dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is a willing participant or, as in the vampiric world of BtVS fanfiction, it is the normal relationship between the sire and his/her childer.

The first recorded act of torture was in England, in 1076. On the whole, torture had been abolished by the world's governmental systems by 1881, when England abolished corporal punishment in the British Army except for offenders in military prisons.

Why am I telling you all this (other than the fact that I am a sick and twisted individual, according to some people)? Because throughout the fanfiction world torture is a common theme, and accuracy always makes for a better story.

A Dictionary of Torture

Anundal	Being tied or made to stand in various positions, such as the victim having to hold his leg up as high as possible for extended periods of time.
Arrow	The victim's forefingers are bound tightly together and a barbed arrow is pulled rapidly backwards and forwards between them until the flesh tore away and the arrow snapped.
Barnacles	A short rod with a noose of cord at one end. The victim's upper lip is pulled through the noose, which was then tightened.
Beating	The victim is repeatedly hit or kicked with fists or feet.
Bench of Justice	The victim is forced to squat on a bench in a cage, with his arms thrust backwards through the bars, his wrists manacled together.
Bilboes	A long iron bar attached to the floor with iron rings soldered to it, which allowed the victim freedom to move along the bar.
Blown from a Cannon	The victim's bones are broken and he is stuffed into a cannon, which is then shot off.
Boiling	The victim is strapped down and boiling water or oil is dripped on selected parts of the body. A variation is to place the victim in a tub of boiling water or oil.
Boot	Boards secured together around the hands or the legs, and then tied to each other. Wedges were then driven between the inner boards, or the boards and the skin, between the legs or hands, compressing and crushing the trapped flesh. Another variation includes screws, which are continually tightened, or strapping the victim in leather, which was then soaked, causing the leather to shrink.
Booting	The victim is struck repeatedly by a boot-jack.
Brakes	A bridle made of iron, with pincer-like attachments used to force out one tooth at a time.
Brazen Bull	A full-sized replica of a bull, made of brass, with a trap-door in its back to allow access to its hollow interior. The victim is locked inside it, and a fire is then lighted beneath the belly of the beast.
Buried Alive	The victim is buried in the ground, either completely or with only his head above the surface, and is left to suffocate or starve.
Cage, The	The victim is placed in a barred cage of metal or wood in a public place.
Capital Punishment	The victim is put to death by beheading, hanging, or fatally shot or stabbed. Includes electrocution and lethal injection.
Carcan	A collar riveted around the victim's neck, who was then led around by a chain or rope.
Cave of Roses	The victim is thrown into a cavern or pit filled with poisonous snakes and other reptiles.
Cayenne Pepper	Confinement in a cell or other small space and subjected to the smoke of a burning cayenne pepper. Effects similar to that of chloride of lime.
Chain through the Neck	A hole is cut into the victim's neck and a chain or a ring is passed through it, by which he is led in public.
Chilli Powder Torture	The victim is hanged upside down and chilli powder is packed into his nostrils.
Chinese Canque	The victim is forced to wear a two-foot square collar of heavy timber resting on their shoulders. A variation includes holes where the wrists were secured.
Chloride of Lime	Confinement in a cell or other small space that has been soaked in dampened lime. The biting, acrid smell (as found in bleach) burns the sensitive lining of the nose and throat and stings the eyes.
Cold Shower	The victim is blasted by a constant jet of ice cold water.
Crank	A handle attached to a wheel which scoops sand in small metal cups. The victim is made to 'crank' the wheel.
Cucking Stool	There are two versions. The first is that the victim is forced to sit on a commode outside. The second is a chair situated on two long poles, and the victim is carried through a public place. In both, he is subjected to ridicule and thrown objects.
Death of Twenty-one Cuts	Chunks of the victim's skin and limbs are systematically sliced away with the victim conscious, until the twenty-first cut (the head).
Double Yokes	Two victims are placed in wooden yokes attached together and made to carry water up a hill repeatedly, Jack and Jill-style.
Drugging	The victim is given various types of narcotics, such as hallucinogens, barbiturates, and 'truth' drugs.
Drunkard's Cloak or the Spanish Mantle	The victim is forced to wear a barrel with the base removed and a hole cut in the top through which his head emerged. Two further holes low down in the sides allowed his hands to protrude.
Ducking Stool	A chair attached to a post in which the victim is forced to sit, then repeatedly lowered into water.
Electrocution and Shock-Treatment	Electricity is passed through the victim by either direct or indirect contact with live wires.
Fass	A large, iron, bath-sized cradle with spikes protruding from its inner surface. The victim, stripped to the waist and tightly bound, would be lowered into it and then the Fass would be violently rocked from side to side.
Fetters	Leg irons, which normally resembled handcuffs and were locked around the victim's ankles. This includes locking a chain around the victim's waist and attaching the leg irons to the waist chain with a length of chain or rope.
Finger Pillory	A restraining device which utilizes the fact that, if one's finger is secured while bent at the second joint as if in an L-shaped tube, it is impossible to withdraw it until released.
Flaying Alive	The skin is peeled away from the top of the victim's skull first, then down the rest of the body.
Flogging	Whipping the victim with any sort of lashing instrument, including leather, canes, chains, rope, or bendable metal such as aluminum.
French Degradation	Humiliation in public by the stripping of rank. Examples include ripping the stars or bars off a military personnel's collar, taking a knights armor and weapons, and the taking away of titles, functions and privileges.
French Water Torture	The victim is strapped down and cold water is dripped on selected parts of the body.
Gauntlets	Binding the victim's wrists to a beam above his head, then remove the blocks on which he stood so that his feet were clear off the ground. A variation is to tie weights to the victim's ankles.
German Skull Crushers	A strap or straps fastened around the head and continually tightened.
German Chair	The victim was seated on a chair, which is bolted to the floor. The chair's seat, back and arms were studded with hundreds of small barbs or pikes.
Gridiron	A low bench of parallel metal bars beneath which a fire would be lit.
Hair Plucking	Yanking tufts of hair from the victim.
Hanged Alive in Chains	The victim is hanged from a wall or post by his arms with chains and left to starve.
Hot Room	A steel cell situated next to a boiler or other heat-producing device.
Iron Collar or Spanish Collar	About three inches deep and an inch thick, hinged to fit around a victim's neck and either locked or riveted in position. About ten pounds in weight, which could be increased by filling it with lead. Sometimes decorated with designs or iron spikes.
Iron Maiden	A framework in the shape of a figure with two folding doors at the front. The inside is covered with iron poinards. The victim is placed within the framework and the doors are closed, forcing the poinards through his body.
Jougs (also called the Bregan or the Bradyeane)	An iron collar locked around the victim's neck, then attached by a chain to a post in a public area.
Keelhauling	Takes place on a ship, the victim is dropped from a great height into the ocean.
Licked by Goats	The victim's feet are bathed in salt water, then a goat's rough tongue would lick his feet.
Log or the Boulet	A log or cannon ball attached to the victim's ankle by a chain and dragged everywhere.
Mutilation	The victim is cut, burned, pierced, tattooed, branded, or otherwise marked. Includes severing of limbs or appendages, and the binding of hands or feet.
Neck and Heels	A rope is tied around the victim's neck, then secured to his ankles.
Needles under Nails	Needles or other pointed objects are shoved under the victim's finger or toenails.
Oriental Leg Torture	Victim is made to stand, kneel, sit or lay on sharp stones or spikes, then heavy stones or other objects are piled on top of him.
Passive torture	Prisons or other confinement. Includes subjecting the victim to utter darkness, defecation in the 'living' area, and improper clothing for the temperature conditions.
Pendulum	The victim is made to lie beneath a crescent-shaped blade attached to a high roof by a rope or rode. The pendulum is then set in motion, and arc traversed the region of the victim's heart.
Picquet	A long post is driven into the ground with a hook at the top. A stake or spike is driven into the ground beside it. The victim is then tied to the hook at the top of the post and made to balance on one foot on the sharp end of the stake or spike.
Pillory	Similar to the stocks, only the victim's arms, and sometimes the head, are locked between the two planks.
Pincers	Nipping or pinching a victim with red-hot or claw-shaped tongs.
Pressing	Heaping stones or other heavy objects on top of a victim.
Prolonged Immersion	Forced to stay in water at least ten feet in depth for extended periods of time.
Rack	A frame on which the victim was laid on his back, with his legs and arms outstretched and tied to a windlass at each end of the frame. Levers are then turned in opposite directions, stretching the victim. The victims are tied by either ropes or metal hooks embedded into the skin.
Riding the Stang	The victim is carried or walks at the front of a noisy procession. Every fifty to one hundred feet, the procession stops and the victim's 'crimes' are announced in public.
Rope Saw	A length of coarse-fibered rope was stretched taut across a room, and the naked victim was dragged back and forth along it.
Running the Gauntlet	The victim is forced to walk slowly between two ranks and is beaten by various instruments.
Scold's Bridle or The Branks	An iron framework in the form of a helmet-shaped cage which fitted tightly over the head, with eye holes and an aperture for the mouth. At the front, protruding inwards, was a small flat plate which was inserted into the victim's mouth, and the bridle is then locked around the neck. A variation included a chain which attached to the front in order to lead the victim around. Another variation included a bell on the top, which rang as the victim walked.
Skeffington's Gyves (Scavenger's Daughter)	Two halves of a large iron hoop, joined together by a hinge. The victim, his hands bound behind him, is made to kneel over one half, then the other half of the hoop was brought down, forcing the victims chest down onto his knees, his stomach down onto his thighs, his thighs onto his legs, and compressing him into the shape of a ball. A screw mechanism tightened the hoop.
Sleep Deprivation	Sustained periods of time where the victim is allowed little to no sleep.
Spanish Spider	Two iron bars protruding rom the wall with long curved spikes at their ends. The victim is pulled, face down, over the claws.
Spanish Chair	A heavy iron chair in which the victim would sit, and then his feet would be placed in or by a fire. A variation is to put the fire underneath the seat of the chair (coining the term 'the hot seat').
Spiked Hare	A giant-sized rolling pin covered with sharp spikes which was rolled over the victim as if he were a pastry.
Spiked Effigies	Dresses or robes with sharp spikes hidden in the folds. The victim is made to wear it at all times, which scraped and cut the skin as he walked, sat or was embraced.
Spot, The	A circle of paint or other marking on the floor from which the victim is not allowed to move from.
Squassation	Suspending the victim with his wrists behind him rather than in front.
Starvation	Deprivation of food.
Stocks	The victim is secured in a sitting position with his ankles locked between two planks with holes cut into them.
Stoning	The victim is tied to a post or wall and stones of various sizes are thrown at him.
Strait-jacket	A stiff canvas jacket. The victim's arms are tied together over his chest. A rigid leather collar, three and a half inches deep and a quarter of an inch thick, is then buckled tightly so that it was impossible to insert a finger between the leather and the flesh. Other types include sleeves with straps at the end which are then buckled behind the back; and a dress made of coarse canvas, with a screw-operated fastening at the back of the belt which could not be removed.
Strappado	The victim is suspended by his arms, and the rope holding him is suddenly allowed to slacken for a second before being abruptly jerked taut again.
Third Degree	The victim is forced to stare into bright lights, deprived of sleep and subjected to continual and repetitive interrogation. Variations included being struck by a led-filled rubber hose, and drilling the victim's teeth with a blunt drill without anesthetic.
Thumbscrews or Thumbekins	Two short iron bars of equal length, on having three small rods designed to fit into three matching holes in the other bar. The victim's thumbs or fingers are inserted between the bars on each side of the central rod, which had a screw thread on it. Once positioned over the quick of the ails, the wing nut on the central rod was tightened, forcing the upper bar downwards.
Tormento de Toca	The victim is tied down on his back and water is poured over his open mouth, forcing him to drink.
Torn Apart by Horses.	The victim's limbs are tied to a horse. The horse is made to bolt and the victim is dragged behind the animal. A variation is to tie the victim's limbs to two or more separate horses.
Trampled	The victim is tied to the ground, then a herd of animals runs over him.
Treadwheel	An incline of steps that rotates on an axle (like a never-ending escalator) on which the victim is made to climb.
Tying the Thumbs	The victims thumbs are tied together tightly with twine, cutting off the circulation.
Virgin Mary	A statue of the Virgin Mary is draped in robes comprised of sharp nails or spikes. The arms and hands had joints, and their motion was directed by machinery placed behind the figure. The victim is then 'embraced' by the Virgin Mary.
Virgin of Baden-Baden	The victim is told to kiss the lips of a statue or figurine, and, when the go to do so, a trap door would suddenly open under his feet, plunging him down onto into a spiked pit.
Whirligig	A six-foot high cylindrical cage mounted on pivots. The victim would be spun in the cage at high speeds.
Wooden Horse, The	A sawhorse attached to wheels. The victim is forced to sit on it and led through public.

-Source: Abbot, Geoffrey. Rack, Rope and Red-Hot Pincers, 1993.