THE HARDEST THING


by Saber ShadowKitten



"I want my life to be with you."
"I don't."
-The Prom



It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

I love her so much. I always will. Deep down, I know that she knows that, but right now it hurts. I had to end it before I damned us both. Not because of what her mother said and not because of what the mayor said, although both were correct. It is because even though I love her, I can't give her what she really needs.

All of me.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

When the tears filled her eyes, I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was all a lie. Tell her I wasn't leaving. Tell her that we could make it work. Tell her I needed her more than I needed blood. But I did none of those things. I just stood there with my jaw clenched as my heart broke into a million pieces.

I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be

We separated in that sewer, turning our backs to each other and walking in opposite directions. And with every step further away from her, the worse I felt. But I knew that if I didn't keep going, I would never leave and that would end up destroying us more.

My soul had never been such a burden.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

"‘Allo?"

"Spike, it's Angel."

"Cor, what do you want?" Spike sneered on the other end of the line. "And how the bloody hell did you get this number?"

"I have my ways," Angel said, raising his eyes to look at Whistler. "You're going to do something for me."

"Like hang up," Spike replied.

"No, you are going to return to Sunnydale and watch Buffy's back," Angel told him.

"Oh, I'm dying to hear why you think that's gonna happen, mate," Spike said sarcastically.

"Three reasons. First, I'm your sire and you'll do it because I say so," Angel said in a calm, but deadly tone. "Second, I know you like Buffy. I can smell how much you like her every time you're within five feet of her."

"And the third?" Spike asked, his voice mocking.

"The third is that if you don't, I will take Drusilla away from you," Angel replied.

"You don't have it in you to off her, soul-boy," Spike said.

"Who said anything about killing her?"

Silence. Then, "You wouldn't."

"Oh yes, I would," Angel stated. "I'm not like I was when you were here in December, Spike. I'm sure Drusilla wouldn't mind having her ‘daddy' back, and I can keep her quite happy even though I have my soul."

"When do you want me there?" Spike asked after a few moments.

"Assuming the Mayor's Ascension doesn't destroy the world or Buffy, I want you here no later than August," Angel answered. "Rupert will be expecting you to contact him when you arrive."

"Bloody hell, Angel, Dru's gonna think I've gone soft again," Spike complained.

"Not my problem," Angel said. "You'll do as I say or she will be too busy to care if you're soft or not."

"Fine," Spike growled. "I'll be there in August."

"Good," Angel replied, then hung up the phone.

"Angel, buddy, you're doing the right thing," Whistler told him.

"I know."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away....


End 1