It Was Heaven

by Saber ShadowKitten

It was Heaven.

No, really. It was. The little fucker stuck his nose into the chit's drawer and decided her knickers would make a good breakfast. How did the goat get into the drawer? Well, I, er, may have been takin' a peak myself. Shit, no, don't go an' bloody tell her! Just help me replace them.


Thank you! If we leave right now, we can get to that Victoria's place before it closes. What, you don't think I know where to buy ladies knickers? Of course I do! Every male under the age of five hundred knows where to buy ladies knickers! We hog the catalog from the soddin' mail, don't we? Just ask the bloody poof where he keeps his and watch him stammer some excuse.

Don't touch my radio. I don't care if you don't like it! It's my radio. What do you mean? This music is great! My, my my, I'm once bitten twice shy. Sod off! My singing does not blow! And stop yer laughin' over the name of the album. Oh, like saying I'm a monster listening to Monster Ballads is fitting is so fucking hilarious. Just shut up.

Because it was more fun to jump over the couch. Because it was! Cor, do you have to be such a bloody bitch? How the hell does that wanker put up with you? No thanks, dear, I don't want to catch something.

I do not think about her like that! I'm not lying, you twit. She's the Slayer, for fuck's sake. Saying 'Slayer' and 'fuck' in the same sentence does not mean I want her like that! I'm not lying!!

A two. Trust me. A two.

These are knickers? For who, a dentist? How the bloody hell do you chits wear this stuff? You might as well not be wearing any. Now that's a good thought. I'm not a pervert, I'm a male. No, it's not the same thing!

One of every color. I'm partial to red and black, but she likes the other colors. There was this one pair that got munched that was green with little white flowers on it. Another one was purple with yellow and pink hearts. Then there was this very sexy blue one that was... Oh, fuck off. I only know because I watched the hairy shit eat them. Why don't you try to wrestle a goat and see how well you succeed!

How much? They're fucking undergarments! What I'm wearing doesn't cost as much as one pair! Shut up, woman. Bugger it. I'm not going to pay that much. Let's go.

Oh hell, just gimme the bloody bags. She'd better appreciate all the money I spent on her naughty bits. I can clothe the entire country of Nirobi with what I just spent on a dozen pair of knickers. In fact, she'd better show me that she's wearin' the friggin' things or I'll be really pissed.

Thank you for coming with me. Yes, I did thank you. Cor, I know how to be polite, bitch. Fuck, I'm surprised the tosser doesn't off himself just to get away from you. I know I would. Eat me. Just get the bloody hell out of my motor before I break your skinny little neck.

Fucking cow. I can't decide if I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her. And you! Stay the hell away from the Slayer's knickers! Oh, hi, uh, Slayer. What? No, it wasn't me, I swear!

It was Heaven.

End 1