Titanic


by Saber ShadowKitten
A Parody

SCENE: INTERIOR, SHIP. BUFFY is 100 years old, wrinkled and gray, surrounded by a salvage crew that includes BILL PAXTON

BUFFY: It's been eighty years since I had last seen the things of Titanic. I remember how grand the ship was, how new and modern. Unsinkable they called it.

CUT TO: BUFFY age 18, young and blond, wearing a long, white dress looking up at the ship TITANIC with an arched eyebrow.

BUFFY: Unsinkable, huh? Why am I getting the wiggins?

CUT TO: ANGEL age 242, but he's a vampire, so he looks 22, wearing a black suit and white dress shirt.

ANGEL: Now, Buffy, why would they lie? If they say it's unsinkable, it is.

CUT TO: GILES age 40, dressed in tweed.

GILES: Shall we board?

BUFFY: Lead on, MacDuff.

CUT TO: INTERIOR TITANIC. BUFFY is depressed. She stares morosely at ANGEL, who is going on and on about something. She is not paying attention.

ANGEL: Buffy, are you listening?

BUFFY: Of course! Why? Is there going to be a test?

ANGEL: This is for you, to wear around your neck. Let's its weight remind you that you are my ball and chain.

ANGEL puts a large, purple pendant on a diamond chain around her neck, pats her on the head, then leaves.

CUT TO: BUFFY standing at the back of the ship on the guard rail.

BUFFY: Woe is me. I am involved with a vampire who has a cursed soul. If I ever want some nookie, he'll lose it and try to kill everyone I love. Sigh. I shall just jump.

CUT TO: SPIKE, age varies depending on source, but looks around 22-24. He is wearing black jeans, black T-shirt, red button down shirt and a black, faded duster.

SPIKE: Now why would someone as beautiful as you be wanting to jump into that cold water?

BUFFY: Aah! You scared me!

SPIKE: Sorry. Well, I'm not, but then again, I'm a vampire.

BUFFY: You, too? What is it with me an sexy vampires?

SPIKE: Are you going to jump?

BUFFY: Give me a good reason why I shouldn't.

SPIKE: You can come back to my room, where I will let you take off all your clothes and I'll sketch you while blantantly oogling that body.

BUFFY: Ok! Sounds fun!

CUT TO: Naked BUFFY, artfully covered by the sketch pad in SPIKE's hands.

SPIKE: Oh, sod it all. I want to shag you until you scream.

BUFFY: Where?

SPIKE: Downs stairs in the cargo hold in my car.

BUFFY: Let's go!

CUT TO: CARGO HOLD. We see a black, old fashioned car shaking on its wheels. CLOSE UP on back window. A shapely tan ASS hits the window, leaving perfect cheek marks before disappearing out of sight.

CUT TO: Giant ICEBERG leaping out of the water and attacking the ship. GILES is standing on deck with two other passengers: XANDER and CORDELIA.

GILES: Did you see that? The-the-the iceberg leapt out of the water and attacked the ah, ship.

XANDER: Sure, G-man. Read any other good books lately?

CORDELIA: Ugh! There's ice on my shoes!

CUT TO: ANGEL wandering around the ship, looking for BUFFY. He hears the announcement that the ship is sinking and shrugs.

ANGEL: Every vampire for himself. I only wish I didn't give her that necklace!

CUT TO: BUFFY and SPIKE racing through the corridors as the ship begans to sink. They run into WILLOW, a red head with a large, beguiling smile.

WILLOW: Oomph!

BUFFY: Sorry. Gotta run, the ship is sinking.

WILLOW: I know, but I'm the Unsinkable Willow Rosenberg, so I'm not worried.

SPIKE: Come on, luv. Abandon ship and all.

CUT TO: SPIKE and BUFFY clinging to the guard rail she was going to jump from as the ship went down. They both kiss each other passionately as the water crashes over their heads.

CUT TO: BUFFY huddled on a large piece of wood, freezing, her hand clasped tighly with SPIKE's, who is in the water.

SPIKE: Whatever you do, don't bloody give up.

BUFFY: But it's so cold.

SPIKE: Pet, I love you, even though I've only known you for a night, and we mostly shagged. I don't want you to die.

BUFFY: I won't. I've died once before but that didn't stop me from coming back.

SPIKE: Cor, I'm hungry. Remeber, I'll never leave you.

CUT TO: SPIKE sinking below the surface of the water.

CUT TO: INTERIOR, SHIP, BUFFY is 100 years old again, wrinkled and grey. BILL PAXTON is standing next to her.

BILL PAXTON: What happened?

BUFFY: I was rescued, but Spike had disappeared. I sold the necklace and used the money to make a movie of the disaster known as Titanic, which made over $6 billion dollars.

CUT TO: SPIKE, looking the same as he did back then, enter the room.

SPIKE: There you are, luv. We're waiting for you downstairs.

BILL PAXTON: Who are you?

SPIKE: Spike.

BILL PAXTON: But I thought...

BUFFY: I said he had disappeared, I didn't say I didn't find him. Besides, he's a vampire. He couldn't freeze to death and doesn't need to breathe. He ended up swimming all the way back to America.

SPIKE: It took me bloody months. And I had to feed off of sea creatures!

BILL PAXTON: What ever happened to Angel?

BUFFY: Oh, he's the one waiting for us. We took turns shagging him until he lost his soul, now he's back to wearing his yummy leather pants.

SPIKE: Want to make it a foursome, mate?

BILL PAXTON: Why not? I'm not getting paid enough for digging up old, rusty ship parts.

ROLL CREDITS