The Thousand Sunny was tied alongside the Giant Eirik, the Giant Warrior Pirates’s ship. After their escape from the marines on Egghead Island, the two crews had decided to sail together to Elbaph. The Straw Hat crew’s second party with the Giants, once Lilith had awoken, had lasted well into the night. Booze flowed freely, as did tall tales and reminiscing about days past. Everyone had a joyous time, and when morning came, Sanji was up early to fix a hangover feast with the chef of the Giant Eirik. Both crews emerged from slumber at staggering intervals, appreciative of the meal.
Most everyone had gone off again, leaving the Eirik’s dining hall sparsely populated. Luffy had disappeared with Franky, Dorry and Brogy. Chopper and Robin had just left. Two of the Giant Warrior Pirates dozed in the seats. Nami sat at the booster table still, nursing a cup of coffee.
“Sanji-kun…”
“Yes, Nami-swan!” Sanji pirouetted over to his favorite crewmate with hearts in his eyes and a coffee carafe in hand. He wore a solid blue shirt beneath his black suit and black tie. “Would you like a refill?”
Nami held up her cup. “Have you seen Zoro recently?”
The hearts in his eyes popped. “Not since last night. Maybe we’ll get lucky and the dumbass drowned in a beer barrel.”
“Hm.” Nami sipped her newly heated coffee. “Go and find him. He could be lost for weeks on this ship and I don’t want to wait around for him once we’ve arrived on Elbaph.”
“Anything for you, Nami-san.” Sanji sighed. “Though why I have to be the one to hunt that idiot down…”
Nami arched her delicate brow. “Franky, Usopp.”
Franky and Usopp appeared as if by magic behind her. Franky wore a green wig perched on top of his tall blue hair. Usopp had drawn a curled eyebrow on his face. They held hands and stared adoringly at each other.
Franky pitched his voice low and dramatically. “My heart cried every night you were gone. You do not know the pains I felt without you here. My blood bleeds only one color, and that is cook.”
“Oh, Zoro.” Usopp fanned his lashes, his voice high pitched and girly. “I missed you so! I was an idiot to run off and try to marry a woman. I can only be satisfied in your manly arms!”
Sanji’s body lit up with flames of embarrassment. “I do not sound like that!”
Nami giggled behind her hand. Franky dipped Usopp with mocking passion and Usopp pretended to swoon. They started making kissy noises.
“I am going to kill you both!”
“Sanji-kun, you have more important things to do,” Nami stopped him. The two performers fled while he was distracted, laughter trailing behind them.
“Yes, Nami-san.” Sanji gave her an adoring smile, pivoted on his heel, and stalked off.
He was going to kill Zoro when he found the shit swordsman.
It took half the morning, but Sanji finally located Zoro by his boots, discarded beside one of the giants’ bunks. Sanji toed off his shoes, leaving them with Zoro’s, and air walked onto the high bed. Set up similarly to the Sunny, only on an enormous scale, bunk beds hung from the ceiling in the massive quarters. Sea trunks and a weight lifting area filled up the rest of the room. Portholes allowed sunlight to beam inside, providing light.
Sanji walked across the soft, furry blanket to the center of the bunk, where Zoro was sprawled asleep. Zoro wore his traditional coat, haramaki, and black trousers, with his bandana tied around his bicep. HIs toes were bare. His three katanas lay beside him. Sanji aimed a drop-kick for his midsection. “Wake up, asshole.”
Zoro caught his foot before it connected. He cracked open an eyelid. “What do you want?”
“Nami-san sent me to find you.” Sanji balanced easily on one foot, even with the plush “ground” beneath him.
“Hn.” Zoro draped his left arm over his eyes. “What does that sea witch want?”
“Don’t call her that!” Sanji tried to kick him again, but Zoro held firm to his foot. “She sent me to locate your dumb ass because you can get lost in a thimble. I was hoping you’d fallen overboard. Rotten luck.”
“What’s a thimble?” Zoro’s fingers began stroking Sanj’s ankle through his sock, right behind the ankle bone. It felt weird and insanely intimate, and it sent butterflies aloft in Sanji’s stomach.
Sanji jerked his foot away from Zoro and folded himself into a sitting position. He pulled out a cigarette. “It protects your thumb when sewing.”
Zoro’s nose scrunched beneath the fold of his arm as he frowned in confusion. “How can I get lost inside something you wear on your thumb?”
“You’d find a way.” Sanji lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. He propped his elbow on his raised knee, his other leg folded crosswise beneath it. The brown blanket spread before him like a field of furry grass. “I hope you got permission to nap in someone else’s bed.”
“I did.” Zoro waved his free hand toward the weights on the opposite side of the room. “Gustav and I had a training session this morning. He said I could crash here.”
“Hn.” Sanji could imagine the weightlifting competition between Zoro and a giant. “I hope you didn’t embarrass him too much.”
“Heh.”
Sanji watched the smoke from his cigarette swirl in the sunlight coming through the porthole. Now that he knew where Zoro was, he should get back to the kitchen. Lunch would be in a few hours and there was prep to do, plus there might still be cleanup from breakfast–
“Am I a burden?”
Sanji was pulled abruptly from his thoughts at Zoro’s sudden question. “What did you say?”
Zoro’s arm stayed resolutely over his eyes. “You heard me.”
“I always hear you, but most of what comes out of your mouth is stupid.”
“Tch. Never mind.” The words were dismissive, but Zoro’s body was tense. “Go away. You’re interrupting my nap.”
Sanji frowned at him. “Why the hell would you think you’re a burden?”
“Shut up. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You’re the one who brought it up!”
“And now I’m un-bringing it up!”
Sanji made a sound of frustration. “That’s not- you can’t- ugh. You drive me crazy, marimo.”
Zoro clenched his jaw. The muscles in the arm covering his eyes stood out. “So go be crazy elsewhere and leave me alone.”
Sanji took a deep drag on his cigarette and released the smoke with an aggrieved sigh. Zoro was a private person. He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings often. He held them close to his chest. Whatever this was must really be bugging him. “You are not a burden. I don’t know how that idea got into your stupid head. Didn’t you just take down King?”
If anything, Sanji was the burden on the crew. He’d been tasked with saving old man Vegapunk and had failed. He’d gone to Whole Cake Island, thinking now that he was an adult, he could face his father. He’d gone up against tyrants ten times as strong as Judge Vinsmoke and had won. Within a few hours, Sanji had been reduced to a shell of a little boy, wearing exploding wristlets as heavy as the iron mask. He’d been so afraid of his family that he beat up Luffy in an attempt to keep the one good thing in his life safe. He’d even proposed to a woman he didn’t know to make her feel better, knowing she was being burdened with a pathetic nothing named Sanji.
Great, now he felt like shit, too.
Sanji retrieved the foldable ashtray Usopp had made for him from his breast pocket. A reminder that he was considered nakama, whether he deserved it or not.
“You called me a burden,” Zoro finally muttered, reminding Sanji this wasn’t about him. This was about Zoro and whatever was going on in that idiot's head.
“Since when do you care about anything I say?” Sanji said.
“I don’t.”
“Well, then there’s your answer.” Sanji ashed his cigarette in the ashtray before taking another drag. Somehow he’d managed to screw Zoro up. He wondered how long it would take to get over his feelings of failure as a person. He’d been trying so hard to forget what had happened, what he’d done, even though Luffy paid it no mind.
Zoro went silent again. Sanji smoked the remainder of his cigarette and contemplated what would happen if he threw himself into the sea. He wouldn’t do that to Luffy, not after all the trouble Luffy went through to help save the family who despised Sanji. It went to show how emotional Sanji had been that he couldn’t fathom letting his tormentors die. He was sure there was a word for it. Weak. Pathetic. Worthless. Loser.
“Lucci said I was a liability to the crew.”
The words came out of nowhere. Sanji dragged himself from his own self-loathing to stare at Zoro. “Is that what this is about? Something some stupid CP0 said?” Sanji scoffed. “Why the hell would you listen to anything coming out of that loser’s mouth?”
“It was taking me too long to defeat that guy.” Zoro’s jaw was tight, his lips turned down. He kept his arm firmly planted over his eyes. “He said it, and then you said it, and then I started thinking–”
“There’s your problem. You started thinking. We both know that’s not your strong suit.”
“Will you shut up?” Zoro sat up abruptly and glared at Sanji. “I’m trying to talk to you and you’re acting like an asshole.”
Sanji felt his heart drop. Zoro was right. Zoro rarely opened up like this and Sanji was being a jerk for no reason other than he could. Loser. He lowered his chin, his hair hiding his eyes.
Zoro released an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know why I bother.”
He started to get up, but Sanji grabbed his arm. Sanji could feel the tension beneath Zoro’s skin. “Don’t,” Sanji said, not raising his gaze. “You wouldn’t have said something if this wasn’t bothering you.”
Zoro hovered between leaving and staying, and finally sat down again. His cross-legged knee bumped Sanji’s own. “You’re such a pain in the ass.”
“Hn.” Sanji lit another cigarette. He pretended not to notice his hands shook slightly. “Talk to me. I’m listening now.”
Zoro grumbled about stupid cooks and fell silent. Sanji waited. Between the two of them, having a normal conversation was like pulling teeth. It was a wonder they’d managed to create a relationship that went beyond animosity. And with Sanji having asked someone else to marry him, it was something he didn’t deserve.
When Zoro finally spoke, it was in a low voice, almost inaudible. “Sometimes I think I don’t bring anything to the crew beyond muscle.” He picked at the hem of his coat. “That I don’t have a purpose on the ship. Luffy’s the captain, you’re our cook, Franky’s the shipwright, Chopper’s our doctor, Robin’s the historian, Brook’s the musician, that sea witch is the navigator. Even Usopp has a purpose, as an inventor. Now we have Jinbe, who has taken over as helmsman. What do I do? I beat people up.”
It was on Sanji’s tongue to make a glib joke about needing brains for anything else, but he quashed it. “You’re the second in command.”
“So?” Zoro sounded disgusted. “That doesn’t have any meaning. Not on our ship. Luffy’s in charge, and if he’s not here then we all make decisions. My voice actually holds the least weight over what we do. It’s usually Nami or Franky who makes the choices, depending on if it’s a Sunny-related thing or not. At most, my job is to be your pack mule. The muscle.”
Sanji opened his mouth to disagree but shut it again. Zoro wasn’t wrong about any of those points. Sanji ashed his cigarette in the ashtray. “You keep us in check. Remind us what’s really important.”
“Does anyone ever listen?”
“No,” Sanji had to admit. “Not often. Even when you’re right.” Sanji knew that Zoro had told Luffy not to come after him. That there were more important things going on. Sanji couldn’t disagree with the assessment of his worth. Luffy hadn’t listened to Zoro, though, which proved Zoro’s point.
“Yeah.” Zoro sounded unhappy. It made Sanji ache inside. “So then what’s my purpose?”
“Helping people.” The words came to Sanji’s lips unbidden. He knew it to be the truth, without having to think about it. “You help Luffy. You help the crew. You help anyone who needs help, even if they’re strangers.”
Zoro scoffed, but Sanji pressed on. “Do you know how rare that is, Zoro? You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. You have goals and dreams like anyone else, but you’re first to put them aside to help someone else. You might bitch about it but you’ll immediately lend a hand to Nami-san or Usopp, or anyone on the ship, sometimes without even being asked. Even me.”
Zoro went quiet. Sanji could tell Zoro wasn’t brushing aside what he’d said. “You’re important, Zoro,” Sanji added quietly. “You can never be a burden. To anyone.”
Zoro raised his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knee. “I should’ve come to help you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” Sanji stubbed out the remains of his cigarette butt, and refolded and tucked the portable ashtray into his pocket. “Like you told Luffy, my shit wasn’t important. Freeing the people from the tyranny of Kaidou was. You made the right choice.”
“Did I?” Zoro cut a glance at Sanji. “You didn’t come back exactly right.”
Sanji winced. “Is this about my genetic modifications? I’m getting them under control–”
“No,” Zoro interrupted him. “I meant up here.” He tapped his temple. “You try to hide it, but I can tell you’re not yourself anymore.”
Sanji hid his eyes beneath his curtain of hair. His fingers curled in the fuzzy blanket on the giant’s bunk. “You don’t know anything. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.” Zoro reached out and nudged Sanji’s chin up with his finger. “I know everything about you, from your ugly toenails, to the way you hate your eyebrows, to you being unable to stand even the thought of someone being hungry for two seconds. The poisoned food and water in parts of Wano Country sliced you up inside, knowing that people were suffering because of it. I know you’re afraid of your body now but are trying to figure it out. I know you still feel guilty for asking that Pudding-chick to marry you, even though I told you it was okay.
“But what I don’t know is why sometimes you act like you’re waiting for someone to throw you off the ship.” Zoro’s finger trembled minutely. “Or sometimes you act like you’re going to throw yourself off the ship. And I want to fix it, but I don’t know how or why.”
Sanji shifted uncomfortably and mumbled, “See, helping people.”
Zoro was quiet for a moment, absorbing Sanji’s words. He reached up to brush Sanji’s hair away from his face, exposing him completely. “You’re right. I do help people. So let me help you.”
Sanji felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want this. This tenderness. This worry. This caring. “I don’t deserve it.”
“You don’t deserve-” Zoro cut off his own words with a violent shake of his head. “What the hell are you saying? You don’t have to earn it, you idiot. I care about you, and it’s tearing me up inside that you’re hurting and pretending nothing is wrong around everyone.” Zoro paused, then added roughly, “Around me.”
The tears escaped. He jerked away from Zoro and dashed a hand over his eyes. But it was too late. The knot of self-loathing and worthlessness Sanji had been carrying around decided now would be a good time to unravel. A violent tremor shook his body as he tried to keep it in, and he suddenly felt himself being yanked in Zoro’s arms, into the tightest hug he’d ever received.
Sanji broke. It all came pouring out of him, splintered words of despair and self-hatred. They knelt facing each other, Zoro’s strong arms securing Sanji, pressing Sanj’s face against his neck as Sanji told him what had been going through his mind on repeat every time he was alone. About fighting Luffy and quitting the crew. About Pudding and her accurately calling him a disgraceful failure, when he’d hoped that going through with the marriage would save everyone he cared about: the Straw Hats, Zeff and the Baratie. That his mother gave her life for him, to protect the emotions she wanted him to have, the emotions he couldn’t seem to appreciate anymore. About his fear that he wasn’t good enough, that he’d never be good enough. That the changes in his body made him no longer human. That Luffy had made a mistake in wanting him back, in forgiving him. That he’d already failed Luffy, with Vegapunk. That he’d screwed everything up with his friends, and with Zoro.
“I told you it was okay, dumbass,” Zoro murmured, rubbing his hand up and down Sanji’s back, the other holding the nape of his neck. “You came back and still wanted me, and that’s all I needed to know. You didn’t mess anything up.”
Sanji squeezed his eyelids shut, trying to get the stupid tears to stop. His chest and throat hurt. He felt like an emotional mess. “How can you be so easy about it?”
“Because I love you.”
Damn it. How could Sanji fight against that?
Zoro held him for a long time. Long after his tears were spent and his body calmed. “How do you feel?” Zoro finally murmured, his thumb stroking the nape of Sanji’s neck.
“Like I can breathe again.” Sanji wasn’t being flippant, nor talking about his tears. It felt like the weight that had been crushing his chest since he’d met his father again had finally been released. Maybe he was finally ready to forgive himself.
He felt warm, chapped lips press against his forehead. “You’re not a failure, Sanji. You never were, and you never will be.”
Sanji bit his lower lip as he allowed Zoro’s words to soothe his soul. “Definitely not a burden,” he whispered.
Zoro’s arms tightened around him again. “No. Neither of us are.”
Zoro followed Sanji into the Giant Eirik’s lounge, where they joined Nami and the other Straw Hats playing cards with two of the Giant Warrior Pirates. The lounge had giant-sized green sofas and enormous low tables. The stacked windows at the aft of the ship looked out over the waves. The two giants sat on the floor, while the others used the couch as their carpet.
“Zoro! Sanji!” Luffy leapt down to greet them with a grin. “Where were you guys? I wanted you to play cards with us.”
“Sorry. Took me a while to find the marimo,” Sanji said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. He had returned to the Sunny to clean up and gather himself back together. Zoro hadn’t left his side, being a nuisance more than a help. Still, Sanji didn’t blame him. Sanji wasn’t exactly whole. Not yet. But he was getting there.
“That’s okay. You’re here now.” Luffy snagged Zoro abruptly and flung him onto the couch, earning a squawk of protest. He grabbed Sanji next, but instead of flinging him, Sanji was surprised by a hug.
“What was that for?” Sanji asked, when Luffy released him. Not that he’d minded. Luffy’s hugs were always enthusiastic and never falsely given.
“Because you’re nakama.” Luffy gave him a bright grin. “And you matter to me. To all of us.”
Sanji felt the catch in his chest, from love and being loved in return. Luffy somehow always knew more than he let on. That he’d let Zoro be the one to take care of Sanji spoke volumes as to how well Luffy knew them both. “Zoro could probably use some of that.”
“Oh, he’s not getting away.” Luffy slung an arm around Sanji’s waist and shot the two of them up and onto the giant sofa. Sanji caught his balance and walked over to join the group. He took a seat between Nami and Chopper. Robin sat between Franky and Brook across from them. Usopp and Jinbe rounded out the circle with the two Giant Warrior Pirates.
With a laugh, Luffy leapt on Zoro, choking him with a hug from behind. “Zoro!”
“Ack! Get off me!” Zoro flailed and tried to dislodge Luffy, who only clung tighter.
“Thank you for finding him, Sanji-kun,” Nami said, dealing Sanji into the next hand.
“Anything for my Nami-San!”
Nami looked over to where Luffy was strangling Zoro with love. “Zoro looks better. Whatever you said to him worked.”
Nami always knew more than she let on, as well. Sanji glanced over at Zoro. Zoro’s face became purple from lack of air. “He looks like the same shit swordsman to me.”
“Hm.” Nami smiled. “You look better, too.”
“Nami-san noticed me!” Sanji’s eyes turned into hearts and he prostrated himself on hands and knees. “It is an honor, my precious mellorine!’”
Nami snorted. “Maybe too much better.”
Zoro finally managed to pull Luffy off and he sat gasping like a fish out of water. Luffy pounced on Brook, earning a “Yo-ho-ho-ho” from the skeleton. Rubbing his neck, Zoro walked over and flopped into the small space between Sanji and Chopper. Chopper began fussing over Zoro’s neck.
Sanji straightened, a pool of hearts surrounding him. He shifted so he was sitting more comfortably, and if his hand covered Zoro’s where it rested between them, no one mentioned it.
Until they did.
“Oh, Zoro. My dearheart. My darling. You are the best thing in the world!” Usopp clenched his hands under his chin and batted his eyelashes at Franky. “Your manly manness is so manly!”
Franky popped a green wig at the top of his tall hair on his head. “Let me take off my shirt so my manliness is on display for the world to see. The fact that I carry three swords does in no way mean I am compensating.”
Luffy, Chopper, Brook, and the two Giant Warrior Pirates guffawed. Robin hid her laugh behind her hand. Nami grinned evilly.
Sanji lit his leg on fire. “I will kill you both!”
Before he could move, though, he felt a hand squeezing his own. He glanced over at Zoro, who had a gleam in his eye and a small smile playing on his lips. “I’ll help.”
End