I knew he was there even before I felt the manacles. Bloody sod never could
leave well enough alone. The man always has to have the last word, which is
interesting considering I've got something of the same sort of personality. Oh
yes, we've had a few knock down, drag outs in our time. Given the last few years
of our lives, you'd probably think that they were about Drusilla, but you'd be
wrong. We've never fought about Dru, not really.
Our fights have been and always will be about us.
I was Angelus' first childe and neither of us can ever forget it. I watched
him build himself up from nothing. He may be a wanker now, but that wasn't
always the case. In his own twisted way, he loved me. He needed me. He'll never
admit it, but he did. Big, strong Angelus never needs anyone. That's what he'd
like you to believe, but you'd be wrong.
He needs people almost as much as I do.
That's what drew me to him from the beginning. Now, you'd think, after
watching the brooder for awhile that he'd always been that way. Quiet.
Withdrawn. You'd be wrong. When Angelus was around, you couldn't ignore him. He
had presence and a damn big mouth too. He could seduce anything on two legs. I
should know. He got me. Oh yeah, he got me.
The night he found me, I was sitting at the back of the pub. The proprietor
let me sit there as long as I left by the back door. I wasn't exactly the
hygiene king in those days. I'd go months between baths. Angelus changed that.
Fastidious til the end, that's my sire. Anyway, that night I was sitting there,
gnawing away on a piece of bread that I'd managed to scrape together enough
money to buy when in he walks. No, that's not right. The man didn't walk in; he
He stood in the doorway with these eyes. They were everywhere. When he
finally leveled them on me, I was lost. I'd never seen anyone like him. He was
undeniable. He was powerful. He was beautiful. I remember that it was a
surprising realization for me at the time because I'd never thought about men in
that way. Hell, I'd grabbed a few tits in my day but I didn't exactly have the
where-with-all to pay for the extras.
Yeah, I can't deny that he made me feel something. Hell, I'm fairly certain
the feeling was mutual. He sat at his table, the best in the house, and I sat at
mine. I couldn't take my eyes off him. As he swallowed his drink, the muscles in
his throat twitched. You see, I was a neck man even before I was turned. He
looked at me suddenly, unexpectedly, and I didn't have enough time to mask my
attentions. I sat there staring at him and he smiled.
God help me.
Here I was, a lit'le pissant sitting at the worst table in the place and he
smiled at me. Now, I never was the sort to bow and scrape to the gentry, but for
some reason that smile made me feel special. I felt acknowledged. For once,
someone in the place actually saw me. It was a heady feeling and he knew it. I
fell for his game, alright. I fell right into the trap.
I left out the back, as was my custom. I turned the corner to walk to the
shack that was my home and there he was. Even then, I knew he belonged in the
darkness. He smiled again, that angelic smile, and cocked his finger several
times. Stupid boy that I was, I followed. Wherever he wanted to go, whatever he
wanted to do, I didn't care. I wanted his attention; I craved it.
He didn't bite me that first night.
We sat in his carriage. I remember his eyes gleaming in the darkness. They
were like lustrous beacons. Of course, they were his true eyes but I somehow
never realized that. I just knew that they were fastened on me and that was all
that was important. I wanted to move closer to him but was afraid. For the first
time, I realized how dirty I was. I wasn't good enough to touch him. I wasn't
clean. Now isn't that a joke. There I sat, looking into the eyes of a heartless
demon, and I was the one who was unworthy.
We sat there in silence, staring at one another. I'm not sure what I would
have said if I could have found the words. For his part, I don't know why he was
so quiet. Maybe he knew the silence was what I needed. Someday I'll have to ask
him. But for now, I'm happy enough simply remembering our time in the carriage.
After awhile, we felt the horses stir. They were restless. I wonder now if their
stirring had been on purpose.
It was almost sunrise as I left the carriage to make my way home. He stopped
me on the way out; his hand latched around my arm. I stopped and turned to look
into his eyes. He brought his gloved hand to my face and caressed my cheek.
Every part of me wanted that glove gone. I longed to feel the touch of his skin
on mine. I knew it would be heaven.
"I will see you again," he said as his hands moved free from my body.
I nodded and walked out into the dawn. It was the last I ever saw. He gave me
that, one last sunrise. He makes out like he's a vicious bastard, and for the
most part, it's true. However, I'm the exception. I always will be because I was
the first. The first and only thing that Darla could never take away from him. I
was devoted from the moment I first saw him. I always will be.
I will admit, that some of my actions of late may make that claim seem
questionable. The truth is, and I know he knows this, I do it all because I want
him back. I want his attention. I want him. I don't want to share him with
anyone, not Drusilla, not the Slayer, no one. He was meant to be mine, as I was
meant to be his. We were brought together for a reason.
This may seem odd considering all that rot about him being in love with the
Slayer. Did he love her? I'm sure he did, in his way. Then again, he also loved
Drusilla and you see where that went. Yes, he's loved them, but they weren't the
first. They were fickle. No, I was the only one who was always there. The one
who never stopped loving him.
What of Drusilla, you may ask. Didn't I love her? Yes, I did. First I
despised her; then I loved her. When Angelus vanished into the darkness, after
that gypsy bitch cursed him, she was all I had left. She was the only thing that
kept me connected to him. So, I took care of her. I'd be damned if my last
connection with Angelus was going to fall to ashes. I took care of her and
eventually, I loved her.
When I found out that he was alive, I loved her more. I realized that the
Angelus I had known was gone, forever lost to me. So, I took hold of everything
I could that was his. When Angelus returned to us, all he thought about was the
Slayer and that infuriated me. I was there and he knew it. His rejection stung.
For the second time, he allowed some woman to come between us. For that, I
wanted him to pay. I crossed him every chance I got. If he told me to stay home,
I went out. If he told me to go left, I went right. Leave the Slayer alone? Fat
chance that. So, I hunted her and in return, he took Drusilla.
It was my punishment.
I pushed too hard. I always do. I see what I want and I go after it. I don't
stop long enough to ponder the consequences. Generally, they aren't enough to
give me pause anyway. I want what I want, especially when I cannot have it.
Angelus knew this and used it to his advantage. He exerted his control, his
dominance over our relationship. I was his childe, but I had stopped acting that
way. I became demanding. I asked more of Angelus than anyone else had the guts
to and he didn't like it.
This brings us to this interesting fall evening in Sunnydale. As I lay still
in this bed, my eyes closed yet fully conscious, I know that we're about to
begin the next step in our relationship. Considering the chains around my
wrists, I find it hard to guess which way this will go. Will I next walk out of
this room as Angel's lover or will he leave me here to die?
I guess there's really only one way to find out.
As I open my eyes, I realize that I'm right. He's here, crouched only inches
away from my face. As I lay there staring at him, he smiles and I am struck with
a profound feeling of deja vu. Perhaps this is going to go even better than I
had initially hoped.
Maybe this time, it will be forever.