Better Than Dreaming


by Evil Willow




I duck behind a tree when she walks up to her house looking pretty ... Upset? Sad? Whatever, I'm not too good at telling what she feels. Ever. Dunno if she'd really feel like staking me now for showing her The Boytoy's extra-curricular activities, but I don't much care to find out either.

Aw shit. I just *had* to look in the living room window, why'd I do that? I could've done without seeing that she's doing it again. Crying. Because all the sudden I feel these revolting urges to go in to her, comfort her, write her poetry, and all that rot. I'm pathetic. I make *myself* sick. I used to be William the effin' Bloody, part of the terrifying Scourge of Europe! But now ... now I'm just William again, the boy who could never get the girl. I've been reduced to a puppy dog by a Slayer. Like Sire like Childe, I suppose. The great irony of it all is that she wanted to bring me down, but not like this, I'd wager.

//That's a good question
Why am I standing out here alone
I guess I don't know enough to come in from the rain
I was watching your window
>From here below
I think I just might stay here all day
Cause I gotta do something//

I'm a shell of the vamp I used to be, and it's all her fault. She had to be all annoying and irritating and nice-smelling and pretty and sexy and ... and ....bloody hell I'd risk the torments of hell for just one kiss. Did I mention I'm pathetic? I wish I had the nerve to dust myself. I wish Red and Chubs hadn't walked in on me when I attempted it months ago. I'd never be in this mess, that's for bloody sure.

It's raining now. That's fine. I don't mind, really. Just keep pouring the humiliation down, whoever's up there. Cuz now I'm a pathetic, lovelorn, *wet* puppyvamp. I sigh, and pull my duster around myself tighter. I finally locate my box of smokes and light one. It's gonna be another long night, but hopefully it can't get any worse.

I look up at the window to her room and --

"SPIKE!"

"BLOODY 'ELL!" I yell, as I jump and turn around to face the person who just scared me into dropping my cigarette in the mud. Oh that's just *wonderful*; this night just keeps getting better! All it needs is my crazed soulless sire, my crazed Dru and the demon Acathla; except I think *I'll* jump into the portal to hell this time around. "Buffy..."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" she screams. "COME BACK TO RUB IT IN?! HUH?!!!!" She shoves me, hard, against the tree trunk, and I let her. S'pose I deserve it if she wants to beat me up.

"No," I say with a shrug. "I didn't... I'm ... You had to know, Bu-- Slayer."

"Go to hell," she whispers with more venom than I knew she had in her. Damn that hurt, though, like that almost-stake to the heart earlier never could. She turns and walks back into her house, missing my whispered reply.

"Gladly."

//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//

I love her. I sure as hell don't *want* to love her, but I didn't get a say in the matter. I want to hold her, and make love to her. Yes, that's right. I *don't* want sex, that wouldn't be enough for me anymore. But I can't even *try* to hold her, because she doesn't want me within five miles. Since that's the case, I try not to think about her, I try to occupy my time with killing things. Things translates to demons, since my surgery. Funny thing about killing demons, though, is it doesn't do anything for me. Go figure.

So I find myself watching her, more nights than I care to admit. Watching her helps to ease the ache. I can follow her around and watch her without any fear of discovery most of the time. But that's not because I'm so sneaky; it's only because I just don't register on her demon-radar anymore. Take just now, a year ago she'd have known I was here the minute she'd gotten within fifty feet of me. That's because she *used* to think of me as a dangerous enemy; and if I was good at what I did, maybe she even hated me.

Now, if she thinks of me at all, I'm a bothersome nuisance. More likely, though, she *doesn't* think of me now. I'm beneath her, not worth the time it would take her *to* think about me. I know all of this, I'm not stupid. It hurts like hell to put myself through the torment, but I don't know what else to bloody *do*. I keep hoping that some night soon, I'll see right through her, discover something about her that makes me *not* want her so much. I can hope, can't I?

I said I wasn't stupid, but that's not quite true. I *am* stupid when it comes to love. Always have been. I always love the ones who don't love me back.

I loved my sire, once upon a time, 'til I figured out why I was so useful to him. I was just an occasional distraction, a some-time killing partner, and most of all, a toy to attempt to break. Drusilla was too easy on that last one, so he moved on to me. He never succeeded in breaking me, though. Not that he knew about, anyway.

Then there was Dru. I loved her with all of my unbeating heart. But I was nothing more than a substitute for Angelus, her precious Daddy. She wanted love, didn't get it from him, so she settled for mine. She still preferred his torture to my love, though, when he was willing to bestow it on her.

So why didn't I see this coming??? Why didn't I realize I was doomed from the moment I saw her in that highschool of hers??? She fits the m.o. perfectly! I *should* have stayed away from Sunnyhell when I left with Dru last time. I'd at least have *her* semi-affection now, and that's a lot better than Buffy's indifference.

//You could throw me down a cigarette
I smoked my last one quite a while ago
No, I gave it to the man that swore he had no need
You know sometimes if I listen real close
I can hear the dark side of the moon
And there's always yesterday's Times if I care to read
And I gotta do something//

I reach into my pockets, digging for my pack of smokes. I was wrong when I thought the night couldn't get any worse. Because it just has: I'm out of smokes. The object of my desire caused me to drop the last one in the mud! I groan as I remember that I'm out of money, so I'm outta luck on getting more anytime soon.

I look around as I hear talking. There's nobody around, must've been my imagination. I look up and see the moon, peering out from behind a cloud. I could swear it's smiling at me. Maybe I'm going insane, that would be a nice change, I guess. I do know I've been out here too long, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Tomorrow I'll bring the paper to read.

//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//

She steps back out her door, and I'm hit by that feeling again. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside. She's absolutely the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. She's got her hair pulled back, and has her black leather pants and a black tank-top on. Looks like she's ready to play. Too damn bad I can't oblige her in a good fight. It'd do us both some good. We could simultaneously work out her pent-up anger at the world and my pent-up feelings for her.

//Sure I'm alright
No I'm not very cold
Every now and then I can feel the subway heat
So go on inside
I'll leave you alone
Anyway Bogart's on in the window down the street
And I gotta do something//

She sees me and cocks her head to the side, in that cute way she has when she's contemplating something. She walks up, and looks me up and down appraisingly. "You're wet," she says. "Cold?" Well, I never said her *brilliance* was one of the reasons that I loved her....

"I'm fine," I say with a shrug, trying not to notice how her top hugs all the right places and I'm not even going to mention how her her pants.... "I'll get off your lawn now," I mumble as I turn to go. I *really* have a lot of energy to work off now, I think I'll go back to the crypt and put Harmony to good use.

"Wait."

So what do I do? I stop in my tracks and turn around again, of course. Whipped puppyvamp, at your service.

"Do you...." she sighs and looks at the ground. Well, this is interesting. She looks uncomfortable and nervous. Why?

"Do I what, Sla... Buffy?" I reply, careful to keep my voice neutral. Apparently I do still have a sense of self-preservation, I find I don't wanna cause a random staking or anything else of that nature.

"I don't suppose you want to patrol... with me... do you?" she finally asks, after spending a lot of time examining her shoes. She looks up at me, and I literally melt at the uncertain, wary ...frightened?... look in her eyes. Like she'd fall apart if I said a nasty word. Bloody hell, I have to stifle a growl, cuz I just figured it out! Commando-Boy did this to her! If he isn't far away from Sunnydale already, I'm gonna have to call in a few favors and get him killed!

I bite back all of the multitude of Spike-like sarcastic responses she's probably expecting, and nod reassuringly instead. "Sure. Got nothin' else to do," I say. I swear she bloody *beams* at me, before regaining her composure and saying, "Come on then," a demand more than a request, accompanied by a scowl. But it doesn't matter, I'm still feeling the effects of the earlier look: it made me all nice and toasty inside. Rain? What rain?

I fall into step beside her, and we head downtown in silence to fight off some demons. So this, in a nutshell, is what I've been reduced to: I'd rather fight my own kind, for the chance to be near her; than stand on the sidelines watching and daydreaming about her. Because her bored indifference is far better than dreaming of what will never be.

//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//



End

1