aka The Devil in the Blue Jeans
by Karen
Grrr. Arrg.
Toss
Turn
Toss
Turn
God dammit! It's the pillow. Yeah the pillow is just way too lumpy. Bye bye pillow and hello sweet slumber.
Toss
Turn
Toss
Turn
Walk like an Egyptian. Walk like and Egyptian...Oh give me a break. I'm gonna be singing that all night now. Come on brain, do me a favour and pleeease just let me sleep.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Why do you suppose they're called pillows? I mean who decided one day, hmmm I think I will name this 'the pillow'? And why do you suppose I am thinking this? Who the hell cares?
Okay brain, let's you and me come to a little understanding. You shut the hell up and let me sleep, and I won't stick a long needle through my ear.
Okay no more thoughts froooommmmmmm now!
Tick
Tock
Tick
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Tick
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Hey I can't believe that worked. Oh shit that was a thought. Arrrrg!
I'm never going to get any sleep tonight. This is it. I am going to be awake for the rest of my life. Insomnia sucks.
It's his fault. It's all his fault. Stupid undead bloodsucking...sucker of blood...sucking...oh for Christ sake brain, stop that train of thought right now or I will get that needle.
You know they say the second sign of madness is talking to yourself. I think the first sign is the random desire to stick a needle in your brain.
Milk! That's supposed to help you sleep isn't it? Okay brain, let's go to the kitchen and get a nice drink of cold milk. Yup, a glass of lovely cold delicious white...silky smooth porcelain skin....okay I give up. Brain, do you hate me or something?
It is his fault, I just know it is. I'm gonna blame this on him come hell or high water. He did it to me on purpose just to see me squirm. Damned undead limey bastard and his damned blue jeans.
I swear to God brain, they weren't even real jeans. He'd just got some blue paint and plastered it all over his legs to make it look like jeans. They were so tight. Showing off all the muscles in his legs, those rock hard thighs...hey look: drool! There's a nice look on a grown man.
Why couldn't he have just worn the black ones? I was used to them. I had managed to build up an immunity to those jeans. My body was full of little tight black jean antibodies. Damn him. I just know he did it to me on purpose.
And did you see brain? Were you watching when he just had to bend over right in front of me, because the laces had come undone on his Doc Martins? Yeah right, like I believe that. Waving his tight ass in the air for all to see. Not that I was watching or anything. I think he's just discovered some new form of special torture and he wanted to test it out on me. All I can say is, it's working.
But it didn't stop there. Oh no. He just had to wear a new skin tight white tee-shit to compliment those skin tight blue jeans. You could see all his muscles rippling when he walked...no prowled into the shop. The perfect washboard stomach in flawless detail. Biceps bulging when he lifted that pile of books for Giles.
When he came into the Magic Shop like that I couldn't believe it, brain, the girls just laughed and teased him about his change of image. They just laughed! I mean, did they not see the perfect ass and the six pack? And I did not just say perfect ass. Nope, it wasn't me. Some hellmouth demon took over my mouth for a moment there.
Oh God, I am so screwed.
Okay back to bed. No more thoughts from now on. This time I mean it brain. Don't think I'm afraid to go get that needle.
Ahhh, okay relax. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. And sleep.
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And you know what, brain? He had the balls to act all innocent. Like he didn't know what he was doing to me. Oh he knew exactly what he was doing to me, and he was loving every minute of it. Looking all sexy and James Dean like. Not that I think James Dean is sexy mind you. Cos you know I'm not gay right brain? Nope not me. Straight as they come. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Great, now I'm channelling my inner Seinfeld.
You know what? It's just the loneliness talking. Anya left me for a 6'6'' millionaire male model and I'm lonely. I would be thinking the same thing about anybody in that outfit. Like Giles...um eww! Or Angel. Maybe not. Oz? God no! Just Spike then huh brain? Oh look there's that drool again.
Okay, okay. Let's make a new deal, brain. If I admit that maybe, in a very small, miniscule way, that I might perhaps be a little attracted to Spike (but only in a very minor way) will you just please stop with all these very disturbing thoughts and let me get some sleep?
[Spike in tight blue jeans and white tee-shirt] Sigh.
[Spike without the tee-shirt] Humina.
[Spike completely naked] Drool.
[Spike completely naked tied to a four poster bed covered in chocolate sauce] Gulp!!
Okay, I take it that is a no then?
Fine! Have it your way.
I like Spike!
There, I said it. Okay, it was only to you, but I still said it.
I like Spike. I think he is sexiest man I have ever seen, and all I wanna do is take that image of him covered in chocolate sauce and lick 'til my tongue hurts.
You know what brain? I think I feel better. It's kind of a relief actually. So are you going to let me sleep now?
Tick
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Okay cool. Welcome back sweet slumber, oh how I have missed you.
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Holy fucking shit on a stick! Is there a worldwide conspiracy to keep me awake tonight or something?
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
"Okay, okay. I'm coming. Whoever you are, this had better be dammed import... Spike!!" Gulp!
[Tight blue jean]
[Rippling muscles]
[Sexy smile]
[chocolate sauce]
Gulp!
"Hey Harris. I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I would stop by. You weren't sleeping were you?"
"I can honestly say that no, I wasn't sleeping."
"Oh good. So ummm watcha doing?"
"Nothin'. You?"
"Same."
"Oh.”
Tick
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“Well this silence is in no way awkward."
"Fancy doing something?"
[Spike tied to a bed, my tongue everywhere]
"Pet, you alright there? You're looking kinda pale."
"Yeah." *cough* "Yeah I'm fine. What did you have um...have in mind?"
"I thought maybe we could take a walk for a while. It's a nice night."
"Oh. Umm okay. Just let me get changed."
"Sure."
"One thing Spike?"
"Yes Pet?"
"Vampires can't read minds can they?"
"Umm no. Why?"
"No reason."
Hmm, maybe insomnia doesn't suck after all.
**The End**
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