Buffy was going to kill him.
She had two tests to study for, one Psychology paper to write and two rounds of patrol to do. And Spike had chosen that night, out of many, to escape again! Grunting she made her way through the maze that was the Sunnydale sewer system, a stake in one hand and a flashlight in the other. She came to another corner and she found herself with sewer water up to her knees.
"Shit," she said. That was it. Spike was going to die.
Spike lit a cigarette and took a long drag. He was hungry, tired and incredibly sad. He knew things couldnīt go on for long, and he hated what he was about to do. But he had no choice.
He would finish the whole package of cigarettes before doing it.
Hey your glass is empty,
Itīs a hell of a long way home,
Why donīt you let me take you,
Itīs no good to go alone,
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me,
After all the bullshit Iīve heard
Itīs refreshing not to see,
I donīt have to pretend,
She doesnīt expect it from me.
Spike closed his eyes and let a tear run down his dirty cheek. Things will be better in a few hours. Way better than now.
Suddenly he felt he was being watched. He opened his eyes and groaned when he saw the Slayer in front of him.
"Let me alone," he sighed.
"You think I want to be here?" she said. "I have a lot to do, and chasing the poor, Quasi-Stepford-like vampire was not on the list!"
"Then go! I wonīt stop you. Hell knows I canīt do anything anymore."
Buffy sighed and turned around to go, but then he called her.
"Wait! Donīt go yet. Iīd like to talk to you."
Buffy laughed. "No offense, Spike, but I donīt think that would be a good theme between us."
"Ah come on. After all weīve been through together? We almost got married!"
"Donīt remind me of that, please."
"All right. Come here."
Buffy was doubtful, but she Spike couldnīt hurt her. And there was something in his eyes... a sadness she had only seen...
"Okay. But then weīre heading back to Gilesī place."
"Okay," he said. She was a fool. After their talk, he was going to...
"So love," Buffy said, sitting beside him on a big, black pipe as he tossed away his cigarette. "What can we say about it except it sucks?"
"It sucks, all right, but it feels so good."
"Youīre talking about Drusilla?"
"Um... Yes," Spike said, not thinking about his Mad Princess, but about a strong, muscular chest, rough yet angelic features, deep chocolate eyes...
"Where were you?"
"You just left. Where were you?"
"A place we both call Paradise."
Buffy arched an eyebrow. "I donīt think we have the same definition of Paradise."
"Maybe we do. We have more in common than you think."
"We both betrayed the person we love the most."
Buffy looked down, remembering that night. "I send Angel to Hell, and you made the pact with me to save Drusilla."
Spike shook his head. "It wasnīt about the pact."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, when I betrayed... the one I love...was when I let you send Angel to Hell."
Buffy looked at him, letting his words sink down slowly into her.
So donīt tell me I havenīt been good to you,
Donīt tell me I havenīt been there for you,
Just tell me why nothing is good enough.
"You... and Angel," Buffy said slowly. The idea seemed so sordid, so gross. And yet so right in a way.
"Are you okay, pet?" Spike said taking her hand and holding it between his. She looked a little pale.
"How could I be so stupid!" she finally exclaimed. "I mean, I never thought... but you..." She let her head fall on her hands and started to cry.
Spike sighed. Heīd never expected this from the slayer. Almost without thinking, he gathered he in his arms and let her cry.
"Itīs okay, luv. Iīm sure he had his reasons to hide it from you. I mean, can you imagine something like this," his voice changed to his best Angel impersonation, "Hey Buff, these new vamps, Spike and Dru, are the Sid and Nancy of the vamps, bad people, and did we mention we used to shag together?"
Buffy couldnīt help the chuckle that escaped from her lips. Spike nodded. "Thatīs the spirit," he said.
"Iīm sorry. Itīs just that... I never thought about it, really. I mean, Angel and you..."
"If itīs any consolation, I can tell you all the vamps do it. Itīs very common for a vampire to be bisexual."
"Come on, Buffy," he said, using her name this time. "This is Angelus we're talking about. The bad-ass-vampire that tried to destroy the world once, not your cute soul-having pumpkin. You know he was your vamp no one elseīs."
She nodded. "Still, Iīm surprised. Angel never looked like a gay..."
"Okay. Bi. And you... loved him?"
"Yes I did."
Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that itīs o.k.,
The door is open come on outside,
No I canīt come out today,
Itīs the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground,
Whoīs there that makes you so afraid
Youīre shaken to the bone,
You know I donīt understand,
You deserve so much more than this.
"And did he... love you back?
"I think he did... in his own way. You know, Angelus had this habit of hurting everyone he loved and loved him back."
"I know." She closed her eyes again. The night she had given herself to Angel coming back into her mind.
"Now youīre the one going," said Spike. He looked at his watch. Only then he realized she was almost sitting on his lap. "Get up, luv. I gotta go."
"Where? Itīs almost day and... you were going to kill yourself! God, what is it with you vampires and suicide? First Angel and now you."
She gave him a short version of what had happened on Christmas morning.
"Poor Angel. He must have been really out of to try the golden tan."
"Like you are now."
Spike moved her and stood up. "Look at me, Buffy. Iīm just a big poofy guy with big teeth that canīt kill living things. Iīm worse than pathetic, Iīm... nothing."
Buffy stood up beside him and took his hand. "Donīt say that. Iīm sure there are plenty of things you can do."
"Name one. And brooding like A-man doesnīt count."
Buffy looked down, not knowing what to say.
So donīt tell me why
Heīs never been good to you,
Donīt tell me why,
Heīs never been there for you
And Iīll tell you that
Why is simply not good enough
"You remind me of him now. Angelus never knew how to make me feel better with words."
"What did he do then?"
Spike carefully passed an arm around Buffyīs waist.
"This," he said before kissing her.
Buffy stiffened at first, but she ended up giving herself to the kiss. It felt good actually. His lips were really cold and the contact with her warm skin made her shiver with excitement. It was so strange, feeling what Angel had made her feel so long ago in the arms of one of Angelīs lovers. It felt good, so good...
"Buffy!" Willowīs voice brought her back to reality. Reluctantly, Spike broke the kiss and looked at the tunnel where the voice was coming from.
"In here," Buffy said, trying to calm her heart. It was beating way too fast.
Xander was the first to appear. "Thank God. We all thought Spike-o here had killed you!"
"Not all of us," said Willow coming from behind him. "Are you okay?"
"Yes. I... We should go home now."
"Good idea. The sun will be up in an hour and I donīt think Spike should be out after his curfew," said Xander.
"Shut your hole," the vampire said.
"What are you going to do? Bite me?"
"Xander, stop it," said Buffy. "Letīs go."
Spike hesitated, but one look at her eyes and he was walking beside her, mixed emotions dancing around his head. He couldnīt say it aloud, but that kiss had altered him even more than he expected.
"Giles said he could get some heavy-duty chains for our vampire prisoner," said Xander. Buffy shook her head. *Beautiful blond hair,* Spike thought, admiring it for the first time.
"I donīt think so," she said. "Iīm sure Spike wonīt try to escape anymore. In a way, heīs one of us now." *More like me*
"Xander!" the girls and the vampire said at the same time.
"Okay, Iīm shutting up." With that he started walking in front of them, leading the way.
When he and Willow were away enough, Spike took Buffyīs hands between his. "Thank you," said.
"For showing Iīm not alone in my pain."
And together, they walked away.
So just let me try
And I will be good to you,
Just let me try
And I will be there for you,
Iīll show you why youīre so much more than good enough