Buffy was pregnant. It was definite, confirmed by science and a doctor with a
no-nonsense manner. Willow had walked home with her in stunned silence and then
left to get some much needed sleep. Alone in her room and faced with the reality
of her condition, Buffy sat on her bed and stared at the bottle of prenatal
vitamins, surrounded by literature from the local Planned Parenthood. The
pamphlets were many and varied- nutrition, prenatal testing, fetal development,
childbirth classes, adoption...and termination. The last one seemed to glare up
at her like a neon sign, touting her right to a "simple, legal procedure,"
making it sound more like getting your taxes done than getting an abortion.
Concerned about Buffy's health, Willow had insisted on taking her to the
clinic instead of just getting a test from the drugstore. The nurse and doctor
had been friendly and compassionate throughout the exam, offering tips on
dealing with morning sickness. Buffy was dangerously close to dehydration, so
the doctor had given her an electrolyte solution and instructed her to drink
plenty of water at home. After the exam, a counselor had talked frankly with
Buffy about her options. Her options. The abortion pamphlet drew her eye like a
beacon and Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest, folding her arms around them.
Terminating the pregnancy would be an easy solution to her impossible
situation. No more worries about Spike, Giles, or the baby. The journal entries
would be nothing more than a fascinating discovery for the Watcher and she could
go on with her life, slaying and returning to school in the fall like nothing
had happened. She could let Spike go, chalk it all up to poor judgement on her
part. Simple...right?
The familiar hitching in her chest started up again, tears spilling over to
run down her face onto her arms. Nothing was simple, especially where her life
was concerned. She didn't want to get rid of the baby, didn't want to forget
about Spike... She couldn't. She couldn't let go because her heart wouldn't let
her.
Her hand slipped down to rub her lower abdomen as she tried to imagine it
swelling outward. His child was already growing inside her- tiny, vulnerable- a
part of both of them. Buffy recalled Anne's last entry and her concerns about
the baby. Concerns about what kind of child she carried. As she looked down at
her stomach, Buffy realized that those concerns were hers also. What sort of
baby was this? Human? Vampire? Some hybrid, something entirely new...unheard of?
Would this pregnancy even progress in the usual fashion?
So many unanswered questions.
Her first thought that morning had been to run to Spike, but now... What
would she tell him? 'How' would she tell him? He'd been so violent before...so
angry. He hadn't physically hurt her, but she could tell that he'd barely been
able to control himself. What if he still felt that way? She was still so weak,
what if she couldn't defend herself against him?
Right now, she wanted more than anything to be held and told that everything
would be all right. She wanted strong arms around her, a reassuring voice in her
ear. She wanted...Giles. The thought made her sit up straight in surprise. She'd
been keeping things from him for so long that she'd practically avoided him
these last few weeks. There had only been brief meetings at the library and
phone calls during her illness. She hadn't wanted to get too close to him in her
vulnerable state. She'd been too afraid that she would break down and tell him
everything and that he would hate her for it. How ironic that now she had no
choice 'but' to tell him. And the funny thing was...she wanted to tell him.
Needed to make things right between them, especially now.
The plain truth she'd been avoiding was that she needed Giles- needed his
solid strength, his guidance. He was her rock, her constant in an ever-changing
world- teacher, friend, father-figure... Her safe haven. How could she have
forgotten that? No matter how angry or upset her news might make him, he would
never abandon her. Of that she was certain. And Willow was right, he needed to
know what was in the journals. It called into question everything that the
Council had told them.
Her decision giving her a renewed sense of purpose, Buffy reached for the
phone to call Willow. She would need the redhead's calm presence when she told
Giles everything, and since Willow had made the discovery in the first place, it
only made sense that she be there. Together they would show him the journal
entries and then Buffy could tell him about Spike. *Oh God, Spike.*
Was it wrong to tell Giles before telling Spike? Spike was the father of her
baby and had the right to know. He was also not speaking to her at the moment
and quite possibly contemplating her violent death. Giles was her Watcher and
needed to be apprised of anything regarding the Hellmouth and paranormal
activity. Her pregnancy certainly fell into the paranormal category. Besides,
telling Giles would mean possible answers to her questions and that could only
be a good thing, right? Unless the answers were ones she didn't want to
hear.
Buffy moaned. What was she going to do? She needed both men desperately, but
who should she turn to first? If only things weren't so horribly messed up with
Spike. She would run to him in a second, if she could be certain that he
wouldn't lose control, if she could be sure that she could handle him in her
current state. But she couldn't. And she was too weak, both physically and
mentally. She needed to find her self-respect again before she faced him.
Giles, then? She could almost feel his tweed-covered arms around her,
comforting her as he had when she'd killed Angel. Buffy laughed. Who was she
kidding? He was going to blow a gasket, big time. And she deserved it for lying
to him all this time. She should have been upfront with him from the start.
Maybe if she had... It was too late to wonder about what might have been. She
needed to focus on the here and now, focus on coming clean with Giles...and
healing. It was time.
Buffy picked up the phone and called Willow, asking the redhead if she would
accompany her to the library. She sighed with relief when the other girl said
yes, and that she'd call Giles to tell him that they were coming. They agreed to
meet at Willow's house in an hour and Buffy hung up the phone feeling stronger
than she had in days. She was going to try to pick up the shattered pieces of
her life, starting with the secrets she'd kept from her Watcher. Then she would
do whatever she could to salvage her relationship with Spike. One step at a
time...
Giles sat in the library, waiting impatiently for the girls to arrive. He was
intensely curious about what Willow had found in the journals, but relieved to
know the reason why she'd left so suddenly that morning. It still baffled him
that she hadn't just woken him and shown him the entries right then, but he
figured that she'd had her reasons, and he would see for himself soon enough.
What was she thinking...feeling...after last night? It was going to be odd
trying to face Willow with Buffy right there. He fervently wished that they
could have met privately first, to get past that "morning after" awkwardness. He
had no idea how much tension there would be when they saw each other again, and
Buffy could be quite observant when she wanted to be. He would just have to hope
that the Slayer was preoccupied, or that things would go more smoothly than
expected.
Giles hadn't been able to stop thinking about the night before. Thinking
about the rosy glow of Willow's skin, the liquid green eyes that had been filled
with such trust... Thinking about how tight and hot she'd felt around him. She
had done the impossible; helped to banish Jenny's ghost from his bed. Replaced
the pain of loss with the pleasure of fulfillment... Given him back some of the
desire to take hold of his life, instead of letting it slip away, bit by bit.
One innocent young girl had done all that.
She wasn't innocent any longer, thanks to him. He could never give back what
he'd taken- although it was probably safe to say that Oz's death had done more
to rob her of her innocence than he had. And she 'had' given herself
willingly...begged him, practically- not that it made what he had done
excusable. Not by a long shot.
Giles was in the process of massaging his temples when a sound at the door
made him look up. A smile lit his face and he stood, slipping his glasses on as
Buffy and Willow walked toward him. "Buffy, it's good to see," his smile
faltered, "...you." He felt as if blinders had been taken off and her appearance
suddenly shocked him. Had she looked this way before? This thin, this drawn? He
felt a brief flicker of surprise as she unhesitatingly walked into his arms-
surprise that quickly turned to joy as he enfolded her in a warm embrace.
"Hey, Giles," Buffy said softly, as his arms wrapped around her. Over her
head, he shot Willow a look of alarm, questioning her with his eyes. Willow
answered with a sympathetic half-smile and slight shake of her head.
Buffy hugged Giles tightly, wanting to cherish these few precious minutes
before she told him the truth and everything blew apart. She burrowed into his
chest, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of tweed and aftershave that
was purely Giles. In that moment she knew that no matter how Giles reacted to
her news, she had been right to come to him. She hadn't realized just how much
she'd needed to feel this connection between them again.
Still looking at Willow, Giles asked the question that had been plaguing him
all morning. "A- And you, Willow? How are you?" His eyes searched hers for any
sign of distress and finding none, some of the tension drained from his body.
"I'm fine, Giles." She met his gaze unflinchingly. "Really."
He nodded once and then turned his attention back to the Slayer in his arms.
"This place hasn't been the same without you," he murmured. "Too dreadfully
quiet."
"I'll bet." Buffy pulled away and mustered a teasing grin. "Isn't Xander
keeping things interesting enough for you?"
"Xander is," he answered softly, "most assuredly, not you."
Buffy blushed and looked away, feeling a stab of guilt for the secrets that
she'd kept from him. She never should have waited this long, never should have
doubted that their bond would get them through any rough patches in their
relationship. It had been horribly wrong of her not to have trusted him from the
start.
She took a deep breath. "Giles, I-" Her voice caught and for a moment she
didn't think she'd be able to start. Didn't really know 'where' to start.
"What is it? What did you find in the journals, Willow?" The look on Buffy's
face frightened him- he'd never seen her so pale.
Willow stepped forward, handing the translated pages to the Watcher. "These
are the entries that I translated last night. They shed some light on the proof
we've been searching for...you know, proof that the soul doesn't leave when a
person becomes a vampire." At his startled glance, she continued. "Read them
first, I don't want to say anymore until you do."
Giles took the pages and sat back down at the table. Several minutes later,
he looked up with a perplexed frown. "This is all very interesting, to be sure,
but history and vampire lore have shown us that it's not possible for vampires
to procreate. If it were, there would some sort of- of evidence to corroborate
Anne's story." He shook his head. "It's quite possible that this is nothing more
than the vivid imagination of an unstable girl."
"It's not." Buffy's quiet statement echoed in the large room.
"Buffy...the hypothesis that the soul contains s-some sort of 'spark'-
the-the essence of life, if you will- is worthy of considerable research and
debate, but even so...there still is no discernible proof. Without having
translated the rest of the journals, we cannot even be sure that Anne was truly
pregnant."
"She was...I know she was." Wringing her hands, Buffy began to pace as she
tried to gather her courage for what she had to say.
"Buffy, we're talking about five hundred years in the past. There's no way
for you- for any of us- to know that..." Giles said, worry for her evident in
his expression.
She turned to face him and the bleak look in her eyes stunned him. "Yes,
Giles...there is. I- I know that Anne is pregnant because," her voice dropped to
a whisper, "because I am, too."
Buffy. Pregnant. His Slayer, 'his' responsibility had become a statistic-
another pregnant teenager. Where in the bloody hell had he been? How had this
happened... Who? Giles shook his head, certain that it was all a mistake. And
what did her being pregnant have to do with a Slayer who'd existed several
centuries ago?
He opened his mouth to speak and had to force the words out past the lump in
his throat. "Are you certain?" At her nod, he continued. "I- I don't understand.
Y-Your...condition...now...in the present... What does this have to do with
Anne?" Just saying it out loud sent a stabbing pain through his heart. How could
he not have realized that she'd been seeing someone? How could he have been so
blind?
"I- I've been having dreams...about Anne and Guillaume. In French. I could
feel everything that she felt... In the dreams, I'm her." Buffy could see the
pain in his face and it made her want to turn and run from the room before she
told him the rest of it.
"And you neglected to tell me this? Something that could have aided us in our
research?" He could feel an anger rising at having been kept in the dark about
her dreams. "Are the dreams prophetic? Can you tell?" he asked through gritted
teeth.
"I- I'm not sure. They feel so real...but they're all in the past, not the
future."
Willow watched as Giles stood and began to pace. She could see the tightening
of his jaw and knew that his anger was barely being kept in check. And the worst
is yet to come, she thought desolately, frightened for them both.
"I see," Giles said, running his hand through his hair. "And why do you
believe that your- your pregnancy is somehow related to Anne's? How is your
condition proof of hers?"
Buffy blinked back tears. How could she tell him? He was already filled with
anger; she could feel it coming off of him in waves. She took a deep breath,
stumbling over the words. "I- the baby- it...it's Spike's," she whispered, not
daring to look at him.
Giles' head jerked around suddenly to face her. "Spike! Were you attacked?
Did he hurt you?" He would kill the vampire with his bare hands- slowly,
painfully.
"NO! Giles, it wasn't like that. Spike and I...we were...together." She
looked up hesitantly. "For over two months." Buffy felt Willow come up and take
her hand, giving it a squeeze. She looked at the redhead gratefully and then
ventured a glance at the Watcher's stricken face.
Giles couldn't feel his limbs. He couldn't feel anything...in fact, he was
certain that he'd had some sort of brain embolism, that he would wake up in the
hospital only to discover that this had all been a horrible nightmare...an
hallucination. That was the only logical explanation for what was happening.
None of it was real...
It couldn't be.
The seconds dragged on with no response from the Watcher. Buffy stared at
him, frightened by the blank look in his eyes. "Giles? Say
something...please..." she begged. When his narrowed gaze found her, she shrank
back from the barely contained fury that she saw there.
"What would you like me to say? That I'm happy for you? That your lack of
respect for me, for my position as Watcher, and your utter disregard for your
sacred duty is perfectly acceptable?" His voice was low, controlled...ominously
quiet. "Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm not happy for you, and it's not
acceptable. Any of it."
"Giles- "
Giles slammed his hand down on the table. "No, Buffy! This is not happening
again- I won't allow it!"
Willow spoke up. "Giles, it's already done. We can't change that."
He glared at Willow. "You knew about this? And you didn't see fit to tell
me?"
Willow bristled. "It wasn't my place."
Giles turned away, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"How could this have happened?" he asked. "What could possibly have possessed
you, Buffy, to become involved with Spike?"
"I didn't plan on it... He came to me and offered to help...help kill Angel.
The rest just... happened. Neither of us expected it to go that far."
"But it did, didn't it? And you kept this from me...lied to me...for
weeks...months." He turned back to face her, his expression one of pain and
betrayal. "I don't know who you are anymore."
"Giles, please... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Buffy sobbed. "I wanted to tell
you, but I was afraid. I didn't even understand myself what was happening, and
then when it got serious..." She looked at him with shimmering eyes. "I- I
didn't want you to hate me."
"You have so little faith in me...so little trust? Dammit, you should have
come to me immediately, when Spike first approached you!"
"I didn't think, Giles! I just wanted Angel gone before anyone else got
hurt...or killed. Spike had a plan to take him out... I never thought it would
end up like this."
"No, obviously you didn't think at all," Giles muttered in disgust, putting
his glasses back on. "Instead you had sex with a demon and to hell with the
consequences! Does the safety of all that you hold dear mean so very little to
you? Your friends' safety, your mother's?"
"No, of course not! But Spike's changed, he's different than he used to be.
He even saved me from Drusilla...he sacrificed her for me. He isn't just a
demon, Giles." Her hand went to her stomach. "He has to have a soul, doesn't he?
In order for this to have happened?"
Giles closed his eyes against the image of her...with Spike. William the
Bloody. "He's a vicious killer. Nothing more, nothing less."
"I don't believe that. I love him, Giles."
Love. She loved Spike. Would the nightmare never end? His voice cracked like
a whip. "Well, you have to believe it! Need I remind you of what happened the
last time you decided that you were in love with a vampire? Have you forgotten
Jenny...or Oz?"
Buffy raised her tear stained face to look him squarely in the eye. "Of
course I haven't forgotten. I live with their deaths on my conscience every day
of my life. But Spike didn't kill them and I won't let you blame him for
something he didn't do." She reached for her purse. "I think I should go."
"NO! Buffy, wait..." Willow placed a hand on Buffy's arm. "Let me talk to
Giles for a minute, okay?" Buffy hesitated, then nodded. She turned without a
word and went into his office to give them privacy.
Giles paced agitatedly, still vibrating with anger at the thought of Buffy
lying to him for all those weeks. "I don't know what you hope to accomplish, but
it won't work. She lied to me, Willow. She shut me out of her life and now she
expects to waltz in here and dump all this in my lap? I don't bloody think so!"
"Giles, will you stop and think for a minute? She was afraid of how you'd
react, afraid of disappointing you. She knew that you'd be angry...upset."
"Well, she was right! I'm bloody well furious!"
"Giles, listen to me! The journals, her dreams...there's something more going
on here. Anne, Guillaume- Anne is Buffy's middle name and Guillaume is French
for William."
He looked at her in surprise. "What are you saying?"
Willow let out an exasperated breath. "I'm saying that maybe Buffy didn't
have a choice. She told me that they tried to stay away from each other and
couldn't. That when they're apart, she can't stand it. Giles, what if history is
repeating itself?"
He struggled to remain calm and think rationally. What Willow said had merit
and if there were supernatural reasons for what had already transpired... "If
what you are saying is true...then we must finish translating the journals...so
that we can be prepared for whatever occurs." Her face brightened and he held up
a hand before she could say anything. "That doesn't excuse Buffy's lying to me,
Willow. She broke our trust, and I'm not sure that I can forgive her for that."
Willow looked up at him with eyes that seemed to penetrate his very soul.
"Aren't there things that you've kept hidden? Things that you wished you'd done
differently? She needs you, Giles...more now than ever before. You don't know
everything that's happened, everything she's gone through. These last two months
have been hard on her, and lying to you was the worst of it. She hated every
minute of it."
The many things he wished he'd done differently were too numerous to mention.
His past was filled with so much darkness, so much regret. And the girl standing
before him was another reminder of how impulsively he'd acted just less than
twenty-four hours ago. His expression softened somewhat as he stared down at
her. "Be that as it may, I can't just pretend that everything is fine."
"No one is asking you to. But Buffy is scared...and alone. She and Spike
broke up a couple of weeks ago, he doesn't even know about the baby."
Giles sighed. "What a bloody mess." He ran his hand through his hair in
frustration. "All right, I'll talk to her again. Would you go and get her
please?"
Willow smiled and patted his arm. "Thank you, Giles. The important thing now
is helping Buffy get through this. We don't know anything about a vampire/human
hybrid, or how dangerous this pregnancy might be. There's a lot to think about."
She turned and left him standing there, feeling numb from the emotional
onslaught. His thoughts were jumbled as he waited for Buffy to come out of the
office.
Inside the room, Buffy had cried silent tears while waiting for Willow to
retrieve her. She was afraid that what she'd done had damaged her relationship
with Giles beyond repair. The look in his eyes- the anger, the
disappointment...the hurt. It was entirely possible that she'd lost him for
good, and that he'd ask to be removed as her Watcher. She'd never felt so
utterly alone in her life.
Her heart leaped into her throat when Willow appeared at the door and
beckoned for her to rejoin them. She walked hesitantly over to Giles, sitting
down at the table when he motioned toward one of the chairs.
Giles took the seat opposite her and regarded her for a long moment before
speaking. His face and voice were stern, reproachful. "I cannot begin to
understand why you felt it necessary to lie to me, Buffy. The lack of respect
and trust that you've shown me hurts more than I can possibly say." He took a
deep breath. "What's done is done, however, and the only thing we can do is move
on from here. I am your Watcher...and I will continue to perform my duties as I
see fit. Willow and I will complete the translations and try to research
your...condition...as best we can."
Buffy sighed with relief. "Thank you, Giles. I'm sorry for lying to you...I
never intended to hurt you." For the first time in days, she felt hopeful. Her
Watcher was staying; he was still going to help her. Things were far from fine
and he was still very angry, but they could get past that. She would work at
rebuilding his trust in her and they would get back what they'd had before. All
that mattered now was that they were still together, still a team.
Giles cleared his throat. "Yes, well. Willow tells me that you and Spike are
no longer seeing each other? Perhaps that's for the best, all things considered.
You can move on with your life. You needn't ever tell him about the baby."
Buffy looked at him in shock. "I can't keep this from him. I'm telling him
about the baby and his soul...tomorrow."
"I don't think that's wise-" he began, but Buffy cut him off. "I'm telling
him, Giles," she said firmly. "He has a right to know."
In Giles' eyes, Spike had no rights at all after touching his Slayer, but
seeing the steely resolve in her eyes, he relented. "It's your decision. But I
cannot condone this- this relationship, Buffy. I won't."
Buffy stood. "I don't expect you to. But I love him and that's not going to
change." She turned to Willow. "I'm going home, Will. Are you coming?"
Willow shook her head. "No, I need to talk to Giles...and I want to look at
the journals again. You go on. Get some rest."
Buffy nodded. "I'll call you before I leave for the mansion tomorrow." She
glanced at Giles. "Goodbye, Giles." She turned and left without waiting for a
reply, her step a bit more brisk than it had been when she'd arrived.
"Goodbye, Buffy," Giles said softly as she disappeared through the doors. His
eyes found Willow's and they shared a sigh, their concern for the Slayer
overriding any awkwardness that might have lingered from the night before.
Forcing himself to focus on the research ahead, Giles clapped his hands
together. "Right, then. We have quite a lot of work to do, don't we? What do you
say we get started?" He stood up to gather together the books that they would
need.
Willow stopped him with a hand on his arm. "It's going to be all right,
Giles. Things will get better, now that everything is out in the open."
He looked down at the young girl who'd suddenly matured years in only a
matter of days. "I wish that I could believe that, Willow. I really do..."