Ladies and Ghouls of the Mausoleum of 99, drink blood. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, blood would be it. The long term benefits of drinking blood can be seen in ancient vampires everywhere, whereas the rest of my advice had no basis more reliable than my own demonic experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You're going to be young forever anyway. But trust me, in 50 years, you'll look in that empty mirror and try to recall what you actually look like, and remember how you used to be able to do your own make-up. You are paler than you imagine.
Don't worry about gypsy curses. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as wearing Ray-bans to protect you from the sun. The real troubles in your unlife are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that hit you like a church organ on the head one full-moon night.
Kill one person that annoys you every day.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. If you squeeze them carefully you can get every last drop of blood out. (More value for your Happy Meal) They also make good Valentine's presents.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Instead, plan to gang up with your mortal enemy and beat your rival over the head with a poker. The race is long, and in the end, you're still going to knock the town sign over.
Remember the fights you won. Forget the ones where you had the crap kicked out of you. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old railroad spikes. Throw away your girlfriend's old dolls.
Don't feel guilty if you fail to kill the Slayer. You have the time to plan. Or you could always try leaving her gag gifts and attacking her friends. Some of the oldest Master vampires have failed to kill her too.
Don't bother with sunscreen. That only works in "Blade".
Maybe your love will be eternal (literally), maybe she'll betray you with your father then snog a chaos demon. Maybe you'll get dusted as a fledgling, maybe you'll be there for the end of the world. Hey, maybe you'll cause it.
Enjoy your game face. Scare people with it as often as you can. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. And you're gonna have it for a looong time.
Dance.... on the Slayer's grave. Have a party with streamers and songs.
Perform rituals correctly, but add a smart comment on the end where you possibly can.
Do not read beauty magazines (unless as a guide to who to kill next). You are more beautiful than they could ever be.
Get to know your sire, even if he is an evil sadist. You never know when he'll get cursed with a soul and run off to live in a sewer. Make nice with your superiors, but when you screw up, fry them in the sun and take charge yourself.
Understand that Slayers come and go, but with a precious few you should occasionally call a truce. Work hard to find identical clothes to the outfit you're wearing. It looks good on you, and since you never get any older, it'll stay that way.
Live in Prague once, but escape before the mob kills you. Live in Sunnydale once, but leg it before your sire sucks the world into hell.
Accept certain inalienable truths. Angelus is a tosser, Dru is out of her tree, and you're just never going to be able to kill the damn Slayer. But you can reminisce that fifty years ago, Angelus was living off of rats, Dru loved you and only you, and Slayers were easier to kill. Don't forget to brag.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Chances are they'll only find a house with huge windows and a garden (perfect for when you want the sun to kill you), then move in on your girlfriend.
Don't worry about all your hair falling out. Never happen.
Be careful who you bribe - they might end up delivering the "goods" at a bad moment, then run off before you can kill them.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a form of shoving your own
unfortunate, and largely worthless, experiences down other people's throats. But
trust me on the blood.
SUMMARY: Song parody, POV meanders a bit. Original Lyrics found here.