The Clockwork Vampire

by Spirit

'You're just crap at this kind of thing aren't you?'

Angel picked up the sweeping brush and started to clean up the coffee beans. Mush the packet, she'd said. Use your vampire strength she'd said. Makes sure you don't squoosh them all over the floor, she hadn't mentioned and Angel swore that next time, he'd make sure they ordered filter coffee.

All he'd wanted was to make a cup of coffee for him and Spike and relax in bed with the paper. Just an ordinary morning like anyone else. It wasn't too much to ask, was it? Just so that he could have Spike next to him, reading his - he looked up at the blond vampire and observed that Spike was reading, huh, Edgar Allen Poe - and just spend a few pleasant hours without the world to worry about. Not too much, was it?

'You've missed one.'

Angel growled quietly and picked up the remaining beans. He put them in the bin and had a quick look inside the filter, to discover that there were actually a few grains left. It might be enough.

'Come to bed, Peaches, you'll get cold!'

Angel stood up and walked, boxer clad, over to the bed. Spike had thrown back the covers and had gone back to reading. Angel looked at the crease which formed on Spike's forehead when he was concentrating and smiled. It was strange to see the vampire looking cute, but Angel was growing increasingly used to Spike's little habits. He climbed onto the mattress and pulled the cover up, pleasantly aware that Spike automatically reached out his leg to touch Angel's own.

He picked up the paper and then looked at them both. Something about this picture was weird. They were all comfy and cozy. They could have been Bert and Ernie for how sexy they looked right now and Angel's vanity wasn't quite ready to deal with that yet. Maybe it was the thought of the party that was getting him all grumpy. Cordelia had asked for the day off and requisitioned Doyle and Wesley to help her get organised.

Spike had asked that she provide vodka, jelly and ice cream and cheese puffs, (she'd asked him just how old he was at the second requests) and seemed to be looking forward to the event. He'd grinned wickedly when she'd asked him not to threaten any of her friends and said he'd be his usual charming self. The eyebrow Cordelia had raised was lost as Spike slapped Wesley on the ass in his excitement. The watcher had jumped and then flinched as Spike winked lasciviously at him.

Angel had watched all of this in silence. He'd been noticing a change in Spike's attitude to the others over the past couple of weeks, but this clinched it. Spike had actually asked Cordelia for something. Okay so he'd said 'Oi, Cordelia, Cheese Puffs,' but he'd actually called her by name and showed an interest in what she was doing. Angel decided not to mention it to Spike, God only knew how tetchy the vampire could get at any accusation of being nice, but it gave him hope for their future.

The problem was, his immediate future involved socialising with mortals at this party. Aside from those in his immediate employ, and those he was involved in saving, Angel had practically no social skills to speak of. Everything that came to mind either sounded childish (bad) or failed to make any sense whatsoever (worse). It bothered him that Spike had a better rapport with the outside world than he did. He sighed and looked down at the paper.

Spike grasped the top of the news sheet and pulled it down.

'I was reading that,' said Angel calmly.

'Bollocks, you were.'

'Oh? What *was* I doing then?'

Spike put his book down and snatched Angel's paper away completely. The dark vampire raised a suspicious eyebrow and Spike leaned back, a knowing grin plastered across his chiselled face.

'You were thinking, "Oh No, a party! And aside from the fact that you have to wipe away the pool of drool round my feet from the girls who see me, I have the all the small talk from the arse end of a walrus. Except people would rather talk to the walrus butt.".'

He grinned at him.

'That cover it?'

Angel tried to frown, but found that Spike was too accurate to be annoyed with.

'Yeah, that's about it.'

Spike chuckled and winked at Angel.

'Don't worry, Love. You can just sit around and look pretty.'

'I'm going to stand out like a sore thumb.'

Spike looked at the vampire. Tall, impossibly good-looking with a sex appeal you could detect for miles. What else could he do but stick out?

'Love,' he paused a moment and then grinned pleasantly. 'Think about it. We're going to Cordelia's party to have a laugh. You're going there with me. You really think, once they've realised that you and I are shagging, that they're going to be able to say one word to you?'

Angel paused and thought about it.

Introducing himself to Cordelia's friends and just happening to mention that he was gay. Yeah, he could almost see himself doing that. LA was a liberal town in that respect. He could see himself being okay about that, Cordelia would probably tell half of them anyway. But then to introduce Spike as his other half.........

It wasn't that he was ashamed of Spike. Having this hyperactive English creature in his life had made saving the innocent a lot more palatable. He wanted so badly to atone for everything he'd done, but it had made him so lonely. Not just lonely, unapproachable. And then there was Spike - a vampire capable of more feeling than he'd ever been able to admit to before. Unashamed of what he was, unfettered by so many of the hang ups that plagued Angel, he was.........unique.

And how could he ever be ashamed of that.

'Thinking about me, Peaches?'

Angel looked at his lover and smiled.

'How did you know?'

Spike snorted and rubbed along Angel's thigh, nudging the hardening cock that had emerged.

'You're body's a lot more vocal than you, Pet!'

Angel laughed dryly and hoped his embarrassment wasn't showing too much.

'You have an effect on me.'

'Yeah I know,' grinned Spike, 'It's called sex appeal, Pet, you'd do well to realise you have some.'

Angel smiled gently and tilted his head, Spike's persistently stroking fingers making him squirm pleasantly.

'I do?' he asked innocently.

Spike slid his index finger up over the head and started teasing the now highly sensitive bulb. Angel moaned gently and pushed his hips up, wanting more. But Spike wasn't interested in giving Angel what he thought he wanted. There was so tension in his lover today - Angel really was bothered about being around humans. He came over all angst ridden and guilty everytime he was around one he didn't know. Spike was pretty sure that Angel wanted to apologize to everyone he ever met, just for existing. How he and the Slayer had ever managed to get to a point where Angel would have sex was beyond him.

But just look at the big Poof now, arching his back under Spike's ministrations. Spike suspected that one of the reasons the others had accepted his presence was because of the overwhelming improvement in Angel's demeanor. Angel turned to look at Spike and the younger vampire read the desire and need in his eyes easily. They were more than just partners, they were.........he love and it showed.

He started teasing the ridge running up the length of Angel's penis and moved his other hand to touch the supple lips of his lover. Angel opened his mouth and snaked his tongue out, tasting the sweetness of Spike's fingers. Angel grinned - he'd been sneaking do-nuts again. He slipped a finger inside his mouth and allowed his vampiric features to come over him, biting into the tender digit. Spike growled in appreciation and Angel suckled hard, feeling Spike's salty blood wash his throat, feeling the younger vampire tense under the pressure.

He relaxed his mouth let Spike's finger's slip from the wetness whilst he smiled.

'Come over here,' he asked.

Spike grinned and rolled easily on top of his lover. He could feel Angel's long body beneath him, his firm chest pressing against his own, his thighs rubbing blissfully against his own. Angel lifted his arms quickly, enjoying this closeness. Before Spike had come to him, Angel lived in fear of true happiness. He was afraid to let anyone in, bitterly burying himself in his new role. Cordelia had helped a little, her honesty refreshing in a town of phonies. But it was Spike, his wayward companion, who had allowed him to put his defenses down.

'You're getting heavy,' murmured Angel.

'Pig's blood, got more calories or something, Love.'

'Mmm? Afraid to admit you've got lovehandles?'

Spike snorted and straddled his sire.

'What bleeding lovehandles?'

Angel shifted his hips so that his cock pressed against Spike's ass and the blond leaned forward, fuck-me-now grin severely in place. He brushed his fingers against his lover's nipples and as Angel opened his mouth to sigh an approval, claimed it as his own.

Angel ran his tongues over Spike's, tasting the essential flavor of his lover beneath the sweetness of the do-nuts. It didn't seem to matter how many times he'd experienced this kiss, the longing and the need never dwindled. Passion was something unquantifiable, but Angel had admitted to himself that he had never felt this way about Buffy. With her, it had been something sweet and longed for, a love neither could claim. He'd been able to walk away, knowing that her life would be better without him, knowing that he could live without her. It was the knowledge that he HAD been able to walk away that differentiated that from Spike.

When his demon self had left Spike that night, he hadn't meant to leave the vampire for good. As Angellus, he'd intended to come back, with a sterner and less giving attitude. He hadn't meant to repeat that experience of emotion - it had made him feel weak, knowing that he was as fallible to love as the mortals he killed. To a point, he had done just that, taking away Drusilla from Spike when he had lost his soul in Sunnydale. He had seen the hurt on his childe's face and known how deeply it must have cut. To have the one person you'd loved in a century taken by the one love you could never have.........he could only guess how much that had hurt.

He never wanted to be without him again.

Spike rubbed his thighs along Angel's, loving the knowledge that he had this effect on him. The cock which pressed against his own was throbbing, seeking out its place within Spike's sinewy body. He groaned lightly and Angel caught his hand in Spike's hair, reaching out with the other hand for something on the bedside table.


'Crap,' said Angel and stared up at Spike, 'I dropped that tub.'

Spike chuckled and started drawing his fingers up and down Angel's sensitive neck.

'I told you that you wouldn't like that human shite.'

Angel let out a faint 'mmm' and brushed Spike's hand away, leaning over to see the damage. The tub was smashed all over the floor, its unused contents mixed in with the glass. Not exactly the kind of lubrication he'd been looking for.

He heard Spike laughing and turned a quizzical face to his lover.


'Love, it's not that I don't appreciate your thinking about our sex life when you shop, but that stuff's for humans and we're not.'

'I know, I just.........well, it would be good to be able to watch the others eat without knowing what we'd done with things earlier.'

Spike grinned. He actually spent the past few weeks deliberately using everything that Wesley liked to put on his dinner. He knew that the demon-hunter didn't suspect, but Angel had actually managed a blush when Wesley had commented that the ice cream looked as though it had been attacked with a shovel.

He shrugged.

'Love, covering you in chocolate sauce, or syrup, or anything else I can get to hand and lick off you is a damn sight more fun than picking up a tub of something that actually says 'lubricant' on the cover.'

Angel smiled.

'Sweet tooth, huh?'

'Sweet bloody everything, mate!'

He got to his knees and started stroking his cock, his eyes half closed as Angel watched him.

'Now why don't you open those cupboards and find something you can eat off this?'

Angel laughed and then got out of bed, heading for the kitchen. Spike slowed down his pace, keeping his cock standing to attention, but not excited enough to cum. He heard several doors banging and the sudden sound of the microwave.

'Oi, Pet! I don't want my dick cooked from the inside out!'

'Shut up Spike.'

'Well, just watch it. Sensitive piece of equipment, this.'

'Oh yeah, cause I don't know that.'

Spike grinned.

'You don't know what it's like to have one this big, Pet!'

Angel appeared round the edge of the door. Or rather, a certain part of Angel appeared round the door. Something of worthy note, you might say.

Spike licked his lips, knowing that before very long, he'd feel that inside him.

'Not bad, Peaches, certainly worth a bite.'

Angel leaned round the door.

'I think I'll be doing all the biting today.........*Pet*!'

The microwave pinged.

Spike leaned back on the bed and waited expectantly.

Sure enough, Angel walked back in the room, erection bouncing happily from side to side. He had a steaming bowl in his hands, a spoon and a very wicked grin.

Spike raised an eyebrow.

'I may be hard as bloody nails, but I don't much fancy walking round the bash tonight with first degree burns on my dick, Love.'

Angel sat down and Spike smelled the unmistakable aroma of toffee and some kind of sponge.

'Sticky toffee pudding?'

'Ask and sometimes, you'll receive.'

Spike laughed.

Angel stuck his finger in the heated bowl and stretched its loaded contents to Spike's mouth. The younger vampire sucked and was pleasantly surprised that it was warm, but not scalding. As he devoured the sweet sponge, Angel moved round and started rubbing his cock against Spike's ass.

'I thought you were going to give me a good blow, Peaches?'

Angel bit down lightly on Spike's shoulder.

'I was hoping you'd let me delay that a bit.'

'Delay it? Why the fuck should I do that?'

'Because,' said Angel, sliding his now toffee covered cock against Spike's the tender opening, 'When I run out of things to say tonight, you can always fill my mouth with your best feature.'

Spike hissed in pleasure as Angel slid in.

'Would do Love, but how would you get the whole of my arse in your gob?'


The music was blaring and the room buzzed with young active, ready to party. Cordelia was keenly attending to everyone's needs, making sure that certain people kept their clothes on and that others didn't start licking the wallpaper. Sex drugs and rock and roll had their place, and apparently, it was at this party.

Wesley was dancing alone, seeming to enjoy himself with moves which Angel suspected had never been popular. Still, the ex-Watcher looked more relaxed than normal and that HAD to be a good thing. Alcohol had to come into it somewhere and when Wesley started chugging back something suspiciously green in one of Cordelia's party cups, Angel knew that he wouldn't see him until tomorrow afternoon.

Doyle was dancing with a girl who had a very curvy body and apparently, no sense the chill night air. He'd turned on the Irish charm to overload and was winning over girls who normally wouldn't look his way. From the close attention his dance partner was paying him, Angel wondered if Doyle might actually get to share his bed this evening. But he noticed that everytime the scantily clad girl looked the other way, Doyle's eye line trailed back to Cordelia.

The real hit of the party was holding an amused court by a big bowl of cheese puffs. Spike's aggressive overtones, accompanied by his biting wit had amused more than one party goer. His rough accent and sexy grin had proved irresistible to more than one young lady and Angel wondered if Spike was weighing up how each one tasted when they leaned in close.

He wandered over to the table and was accosted by one of Cordelia's more assertive friends.

'Hello, you're Angel, right?'

Angel nodded and looked at the woman. She was very pretty, and from the easy grin one her face, he guessed she was used to having quite an effect on the men she talked to.

'Cordelia's talked about you.'

'She has?' asked Angel, 'What did she say?'

'Just that you're quite the slave driver.........and I told her that if you were the one doing the driving, I don't mind being the slave.'

Angel blinked at the come on. He knew women found him attractive - it had been a great help when he was the Scourge of Europe, but he wasn't quite comfortable with the forwardness of modern women. They apparently had no problem befriending tall dark strangers at parties whilst he was trying to come up with something more interesting than 'Great Party'.

'She's.........quite a girl,' said Angel eventually.

'Like her friends,' smiled the young woman.

She lifted her drink to her lips and sipped it carefully, eyes half lidded as she watched Angel's handsome, uncomfortable face.

'So, what does the owner of a private detective agency do with his spare time?'

'Me, Love,' came a self-satisfied voice.

Angel looked up to see Spike, a lipstick mark on his cheek, grinning like the cat that not only had the cream, but also managed to savage the milkman who brought it.

The young woman raised an eyebrow.

'And this is.........?'

'Spike,' grinned Spike, 'Best shag in the state.'

Angel closed his eyes and blushed.

'I'm Laura,' said the girl, 'I was just talking to Angel here about his slave driving.'

'Oh he's not bad,' said Spike conversationally, 'Mind, that ankle chain chafes after a while.'

Angel opened his eyes and saw Spike staring at him, his tongue flickering over his lips in a way that made Angel long to suck it. Apparently he wasn't the only one.

'Spike,' said some young thing, 'Come over here and meet Ellie. She's never met anyone from London before.'

Spike looked up at Angel, grin plastered across his face and after a brief pause, Angel nodded, understanding that Spike wasn't asking his permission, but making sure that Angel could cope for a while longer.

Laura watched Spike disappear amongst a swarm of Cordelia's friends, before turning back to Angel.

'He's quite the party animal, isn't he?'

Angel nodded.

'He likes being the centre of attention.'

'And you don't,' said Laura, pointedly. 'Can I take it from what he said that you and he'

She paused, hoping Angel wouldn't confirm that once again, this good looking piece of male flesh was involved with another good looking piece of male flesh. Angel smiled gently at the thought of his lover and Laura nodded to herself.

'The best ones are always gay,' she smiled.

Angel tried to say something, anything, but his screwed up face conveyed all his discomfort to Laura and she held up her hands in defeat and left.

'Hello Angel,' said Wesley.

Angel looked at the semi-pissed demon hunter and suppressed a smile. Wesley had quite lost his focus and in the midst of Cordelia's party, seemed quite a lonely soul. Angel could identify, but at least he had Spike. At least, he glanced over to the crowd surrounding to Spike, he usually had Spike. As if he sensed Angel's gaze on him, the blond looked up and winked. Angel licked his lips and wondered if anyone else was going to notice the erection which had suddenly sprung up. He turned back to Wesley.

'So, you enjoying Cordelia's party?'

'Yes, I must say, she knows how to throw a do.'

He snaffled a couple of the hors d'oeuvres and glanced about the room.

'Only thing it's lacking is someone to boogie with.'

He sighed and looked for Cordelia.

'I don't suppose she'd.........'

'Wesley, I'm sure Cordelia'll dance with you. You just have to ask her.'

'Ah, ask her.........right.'

Wesley assumed a stance Spike called his 'Balls to the rest of the world' pose and started moving off at an unsteady pace to where Cordelia was wrestling with the drinks. As Wesley had got close, some big guy stepped in and whisked the pretty girl into the mix, dancing with all the confidence of someone big tall and attractive. Angel wondered where he'd been when they'd handed that skill out.

Someone slapped a can in his hand and Angel looked up into Doyle's face.

'It's a good party.'

'Yeah,' said Angel, looking for Spike.

'That boy of yours, he knows how to talk to the ladies, doesn't he.'

Angel laughed.

'Yeah, he's really comfortable here.'

Doyle slugged back his whisky.

'You don't think that he's trying to talk any of them into donating blood do you?'

Angel looked at Spike. He was currently demonstrating his ability to down as many drinks as possibly in under a minute. He was up against some jock who fancied himself and had absolutely no chance against someone who didn't need to breathe.

'I think he's just.........being Spike.'

'Yeah,' agreed Doyle.

He sniffed.

'This girl.........' he indicated over his shoulder to the curvy chick from earlier, 'She's er.........given me her number.'

'That's nice,' said Angel. He looked at Doyle's uncomfortable face. 'What's the problem?'

'She's asked me if I want a little nightcap, if you know what I mean?'

Angel nodded.

'I know what you mean.'

'Yeah,' said Doyle. He looked down at his drink again.

'Doyle, if you don't want to go back with her, don't.'

'Yeah but look at her, she's gorgeous.'

Angel looked at the girl. She was very pretty and she was smiling at Doyle with definite game on signs.

'I mean, if I don't take her to bed.........' Doyle let his eyes stray to Cordelia, who was by now dancing with Wesley, trying hard to keep him from embarrassing her.

'Does it make me a real jerk if I say I don't want to have sex with anyone who isn't Cordelia?'

Angel half laughed and shook his head.

'I thought you two were starting to date anyway?'

Doyle finished his drink.

'Dinner, a couple of movies. Seems she didn't want to get involved with someone she works with.'

He looked at her sadly.

'Said she wanted a little time where demons weren't the norm.'

Angel felt sorry for the man and passed Doyle the can.

'I think drowning your sorrows in booze is a time honoured tradition.'

Doyle laughed.

'I think I've done that.'

He turned and looked at his date.

'I dunno, maybe I'll go tell her I don't have sex on the first date.'

He looked back at Angel.

'Does that make me an idiot?'

'No, just a betrayer of a whole image men have built up for centuries.'

'Just that, huh?'

Angel nodded.

'Must be easier for you now?'

Angel blinked and Doyle gestured toward Spike.

'I mean now that you and he are an item, sort of thing.'

'Oh,' said Angel, 'That.'

Doyle looked at him.

'Feeling a little in public about it?'

Angel sighed.

'I don't know, it's weird. I don't even have a name for what we are.'

'Gay vampire lovers?'

Angel laughed.

'Yeah, that's one way of putting it.'

Doyle looked over Angel's shoulder.

'Well I don't think he's embarrassed about it.'


Angel turned to see that Spike was pointing out Angel to his admirers and making obvious shagging gestures. They girls looked at him and some of them made 'aww' faces. Spike grinned as they congratulated him and Angel winced.

'I think I'm gonna go.........'


'Yeah,' agreed Angel, 'Lurk.........somewhere dark and quiet.'

Doyle slapped him on the back.

'Go on, I'll cover you whilst I work out how to deal with turning sex down.'

Angel walked quietly into the darkened kitchen, sitting down in the chair phantom Dennis offered.

'Hey Dennis. How are you doing?'

A can floated out of the ice bowl and popped the ring pull. Angel picked it up.

'Still dead?'

The silence of the grave was uncannily vocal.

'Know the feeling,' said Angel and drank.

'Oi, Peaches!'

Angel groaned as Spike turned the light on.

'I thought you were out enjoying the party?'

'I was. But I was sitting there, surrounded by all this admiring skirt and all I thought was, where's that big poof who prefers to brood than party and I suddenly realised he'd be alone and miserable in the kitchen.'

'Got me down,' admitted Angel. 'I told you, I don't feel comfortable around humans.'

Spike snorted.

'Then get out there with me. It's excellent. I tell all these birds that I'm a vampire and they think I'm just one of those recreational ones. Then they're all asking me what I think of their necks. It's fucking horny. Instant bunk up, I tell you.'

Angel looked at him, noting the semi-drunken expression and the glazed happy look he'd seen from time to time.

'Then why are you in here?'

Spike chuckled and sat down next to Angel, running his fingers along the exposed flesh of his wrist.

'Love, the only bunk I want is with you, or hadn't you noticed that?'

Angel smiled softly.

'I was wondering, with your entourage and all.'

'Bunch of meals, that lot. Just playing the game with them.'

Angel looked down.

'You remember the game, don't you, Love?'

Angel did indeed remember the game. He could remember challenging Spike to claim the most attractive woman or man in the room. Seduce them, make them want to be taken and then, when they almost believed, drain them dry. It had been his demonic counterpart's favourite pastime, but Angel was afraid of what it might lead to.

'I remember,' he looked at Spike, 'But you can't eat them.'

It wasn't a question.

Spike snorted.

'Like I would have forgotten that.'

'I guess not.'

'So why do you do it?'

Spike shrugged.

'Old habit. Besides,' he grinned, 'Reminds me I'm a vampire.'

Angel laughed.

'It doesn't bother you, does it?'


'That we're different.'

Spike looked at Angel and stroked his hand along his cheek.

'It'd bother me if we weren't different.'

'How so?'

Spike looked at the kitchen, feeling Dennis' listening presence. He looked back at Angel and smiled gently.

'Look at everyone here, trying desperately to make some kind of connection, trying to find some bugger who'll still want them in the morning. They've only got short lives, this lot, only got a short amount of time before the Grim Reaper comes and snatches their little lives away.'

He ran his thumb up against Angel's cheek-bone.

'We're different. We have forever.'

Angel smiled.

'You're quite a romantic sometimes.'

Spike grinned and lit up a smoke.

'Yeah, but keep schtum, I'd hate word to get out.'

Angel chuckled.

'I think your hard ass image is hard to shift.'


Spike leaned forward and kissed him, tasting the beer on his lips.

'Now come on and dance with me.'

Angel thought back to Wesley's inane attempts earlier, picturing himself making the same clumsy actions.

'I don't dance.'

Spike snorted and inhaled the cig fumes.

'Well Cordelia's playing a smoochy one, cause Weasly said there was someone he wanted to get close to. She's either really dumb or a real bitch.'

Angel shrugged.

'A little of both, I think.'

Spike chuckled.

'Yeah, well I don't intend to get close to dinner wannabes, so get your grumpy ass out there before I shag you in front of everyone.'

'You wouldn't.'

Spike grinned at his lover.

'Try me.'


'Well where did they go?' asked Cordelia.

Doyle shook his head.

'I don't know. I saw them slow dancing earlier, and that's a sight I'm not going to forget anytime soon.'

'Me either,' said Wesley, 'Seeing one's vampire associates smooching on a dance floor is not exactly the done thing.'

'Done thing, nothing,' said Cordelia, 'I just don't want to go into my bedroom and find they've been doing their "thing" in there.'

She stepped up to the bedroom door and listened for sounds of obvious vampire sex.


'They're not in there.'

'Well at least that's something,' said Wesley brightly, 'Maybe they've gone home?'

Doyle shook his head.

'Angel's coat's still here. He wouldn't leave without that.'

They looked at the long leather duster. It had taken some bashing, but it was Angel's pride and joy and since Spike had lost his, he had taken in everywhere.

'I don't get it! This isn't a big enough apartment or them to get lost! Maybe they've done some weird vampire thing to get out of cleaning up!'

'Like what?' asked Doyle, 'Vanishing into thin air?'

'Oh no,' said Wesley, 'It's a common myth that vampires can change their state, often compounded by writers and Romantic poets. In actual fact, they are more likely to.........' he saw the annoyed look on Cordelia's face, 'Right,, where do you suggest we look for them?'

Cordelia threw her arms up.

'I don't know! Where do horny vampires go?'

Doyle saw something and laughed dryly.


'Nothing really, I just.........'

He looked towards a door in the corner of the room.

Cordelia groaned.

'That is so cliché.'

'What?' asked Wesley.

Cordelia opened the closet door.

Curled up in a corner was a semi-naked Spike and a completely naked Angel. Spike's body was covered by Angel's and they were wrapped together, cheese puffs lying on the floor and an empty bottle of vodka leaning against Spike's calf. There was something smooshed around Angel's mouth, something none of them wanted to identify, but Cordelia recognized as not being the obvious. When the dribble of ice cream trickled out of the bowl, they all sighed in relief, before Cordelia remembered she was mad and started to shout.

'Angel! Spike! Get out of my closet now!'

'Oh THAT cliché,' said Wesley to Doyle.

Angel's eyes snapped open and as he stroked Spike's naked arm, his surroundings came back to him. He looked up at the trio and smiled in what he hoped was an apologetic way. Spike snored and opened one eye, noting that Angel was with him before grinning lazily at Cordelia.

'Evening, Love. Liked the party.'

Cordelia snorted.

'Liked it so much you had to sneak into my closet and have sex.'

Spike's grin increased.

'What can I say, I was horny.'

'Angel, man,' laughed Doyle, 'You need to get some clothes on.'

'Uh, yeah,' said the embarrassed vampire. 'Cordelia, do you think you could just turn around whilst.........'

'And wait whilst you and the psychoblond have another go round, No. I don't think so.'

Wesley stepped backwards.

'Cordelia, I do think that we'd best let them have some privacy, I mean.........'

'Wesley, did they come and have sex in your closet?'

'What.........well, no, but.........'

'But nothing. I'm not moving one inch until my closet is cleared of every sign of vampire sex. Do I make myself clear.'

Angel groaned and held on to Spike as the blond vampire moved forward. Spike chuckled.

'Don't worry, Love. Cordelia just wants to see what she's missing out on.'

Doyle chuckled and moved away to pick up some of the mess on the floor. Wesley stood still a minute, until Spike wiggled his eyebrows at him and then fled for the kitchen, murmuring about how he'd best clear up and get going.

Cordelia hadn't shifted.

'Cordelia,' tried Angel desperately, 'I just don't feel comfortable getting dressed with you standing there.'

'Well, you were comfortable enough to have sex whilst I was having a party. You can be comfortable enough to clean up the mess you two made.'

Spike grinned and got to his feet. Angel grasped his shirt and covered his groin whilst the blond vampire stretched, aware that his privates were on show and not caring in the least. Cordelia's gaze dropped briefly to the large organ and then moved back to his face. Spike fastened his fly and picked his shirt up, the bottle of vodka and licked the ice cream spoon.

'I'm not impressed,' she said.

Spike laughed.

'Then don't hang around, cause you won't see anything bigger.'


Spike grinned and bent to kiss Angel's cheek.

'Don't worry Love, your secret's safe with me.'

Angel growled and got to his feet, gathering up his crumpled clothing and holding most of it against his well endowed groin. He walked past Cordelia, who was still glaring at him.

'I'm sorry.........I,' he smiled, remembering how much he wasn't sorry for making love to Spike, 'I got a little carried away.'

'Well you can just carry yourself right into the kitchen Mister and grab a cloth. Because this place doesn't clean itself.'

She stopped, aware of how much she sounded like her mother.


'Okay, so that's the tidying up taken care of.'

She started picking up the rubbish that currently coated her floor and groaned as she found a delicate statuette she'd bought, smashed to pieces by the fire.

'Oh great! That's just great!'

She sighed and got out the dustpan and brush.

'Why don't they tell you that party aftermath sucks?'

'Part and parcel, Pet,' said Spike, lighting up, 'It's like sex, you don't know till afterwards about the wet patch.'

'Don't light that thing in here.'

Spike huffed and put it out.

'You can't bloody smoke anywhere these days.'

'Well it's antisocial. A bit like having sex in a closet at a party.'

'Wouldn't say that,' said Doyle, 'When I was a lad, it wasn't a do until someone got their rocks off.'

'Well I didn't expect it to be my boss and his boyfriend.'

Spike grinned.

'It was bloody good, though.'

Cordelia looked away.

'Not listening.'

'What was good?' asked Angel, hurriedly fastening his shirt. Spike shot him a grin. 'Oh.'

Doyle looked at Angel.

'You're blushing.'

'I'm's a.........vampire thing. To do with.........vampire stuff.'

'He's blushing,' agreed Spike.

'I didn't think you could make your blood run to places like that?' asked Cordelia.

'Oh he can make blood run all sorts of places, Pet,' said Spike with a wink.

'I so did not want to think about that,' said Doyle.

'Gross,' agreed Cordelia.

Wesley came in.

'Yes, it is rather a state.'

Spike chuckled.

'As parties go, Pet, yours was a good bash. I'd be proud.'

'It did go well, didn't it,' said Cordelia. 'Don't you think Wesley?'

'What, er.........yes!'

'I never saw you ask that girl, did she say no or something?'

'Which girl?'

'The one you wanted to dance all smoochy with.'

Wesley caught Spike's eye and looked away.

'She, ah, had something else to do.'

'I'm sorry,' said Cordelia.

She turned to Doyle.

'What about Sam? I thought you two were getting it on.'

'It didn't work out,' said Doyle, 'I decided that one night stands weren't for me.'

'See,' said Cordelia, 'You're growing as a person.'

'And talking of growing,' said Spike, 'Angel Pet, shall we go find somewhere I can show you what you can do with a bottle of vodka?'

Angel smiled.

'I take it the closet's out.'

'Out!' said Cordelia.

'Makes me sick,' said Doyle.

They all looked at him. Angel stepped forward.

'I thought you were okay'

'Not you.........argh!'

Angel caught the half demon as he fell forward, the PTB delivering their usual painful messages. Doyle shuddered in his grasp as the visions flitted before his eyes.

' factory.........fifth.........urgh.........'

Spike groaned.

'Oh great! I'm horny and we have to go fight the good fight. Bloody terrific!'

Cordelia picked up a glass and filled it with water, offering it to Doyle, as he recovered from his vision.

'Well look at it this way, Spike.'


'You can always see if sex in an ice box turns you on.'

Episode 13