Growing Pains and Sweet Discoveries

 

Author's Name: Titti

Email Address: titti_adriano@hotmail.com
Website: www.titti.co.uk
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Lex/Clark

Author’s Note:  This is to be read in conjunction with Henry Jones’ No Longer Friends.

 

April 6, 2002

 

Am I gay?

 

Why am I even writing this down?  Well, because I can’t tell anyone.  What am I supposed to do?  Go to my parents?  I can just imagine the discussion: “Hey mom, hey dad.  You know I’m different, right?  I have x-ray vision, I can run really, really fast, and I can float.  Now there is one more discovery.  I might be gay.”

 

No, I don’t think that would work, so I’ve decided to write it all down in the hope that things will get clearer.  Gee, I now have a secret diary.  I’m not even going to comment on that.

 

Of course, there are reasons why I can’t be gay.  I am in love with Lana.  I spend my time looking through my telescope for the mere hope of a glimpse of her beauty.  True, I have never taken the opportunities that Lex has created to break Lana and Whitney up, but that’s because I am not that type of person.

 

The problem is that, unfortunately, other things have occurred.  I think I’ll stop taking Phys. Ed.  It’s not the class that I mind.  Oh no, the class is fine.  What I dread is the shower. 

 

You know how many times my eyes can travel over other boys’ bodies?  The answer is way too many.  Enough times that I got a hard on yesterday.   I got dressed so quickly and was out of there before Pete could put his shirt on.  

 

And then there is my final clue: Lex.  Chloe tells me he is sexy.  So my reaction could be a normal observation of a fact, but I doubt it.  Chloe doesn’t check him out every time he gets closer.  She doesn’t get close enough to smell his expensive aftershave.

 

Oh God, I think I’m gay.

 

 

November 4, 2003

 

I broke up with Jenny.

 

I know I haven’t written a single entry in more than a year, but I was too afraid.  When I saw the words written down, it all seemed so true, so final.  So I decided not to write and just wait and see what would happen.

 

During this time, Lana and I have become friends.  I’ve realized that I was never in love with her.  I had a crush on the image of the perfect fairy princess.  She is still going out with Whitney and they are the perfect couple.

 

I was determined to find the girl for me.  I could not allow myself to be gay.  I know it makes no sense, but I am different enough without liking other men.  I finally found the girl I wanted.

 

At the beginning of the school year, I became friends with Jenny.  She is smart and beautiful, for a girl.  She has long red hair, green eyes.  We had social studies together and were partnered for a project.  I am not the best at approaching people, but this gave me the opportunity to be with her.

 

After a week of working together to recreate the Roman Empire, I found the courage to ask her out.  To my surprise, she accepted immediately.  The first date was McDonald’s and a movie.  Lex had offered to pay for a fancy restaurant, but I was uncomfortable enough with fast food.  I don’t think I could have eaten anywhere else.  When I took her home, she kissed me on the cheek.  I was thrilled.

 

After that night, we were officially going out.  I told Lex all about my new girlfriend.  I told him many, many times.  I’m surprised he didn’t throw me out of his home.  Instead, he listened patiently and offered advice.  He offered to give me money and cars to impress her. 

 

“What’s the use of having a billionaire as a friend if you don’t accept my offers?” he has asked me plenty of times, but he doesn’t expect me to accept anymore. 

 

Last night, Lex met her the first time.  His reaction was uncharacteristic, to say the least.  We arrived at the Talon and he was sitting at a table, cappuccino at hand.  His elegantly cut pants were much more striking that Jenny’s mini-skirt, but I tried not to think about that.  When he finally saw us, he almost choked on the cappuccino.  The surprise was short lived.  He immediately put on his business mask and was the perfect gentleman.

 

After I drove Jenny home, I went to the Luthor mansion.  I questioned him about his reaction.  He tried to avoid my question, then he was subtle in his answer, but when I pushed him, he finally blurted out:

 

“She looks like your mother.”

 

Talk about a wake up call.  I started thinking about our relationship.  We have many interests in common.  We like the same movies; we listen to the same music.  We’re good friends.  But something is missing.  We have kissed a few times, but I feel no physical attraction.  The kisses are more a necessity than a want.

 

So I had to face reality.  I am not interested in her as my girlfriend.

 

 

January 28, 2004
 
I am gay.

 

 

May 30, 2004

 

I have a boyfriend.  His name is David Oliver.

 

David arrived at Smallville High at the beginning of the month.  I was assigned to show him around.  He seemed so lonely that I took upon myself to making him feel welcomed in our town.

 

Three days after he arrived, we had the county fair.  I invited him to come with me.  We were supposed to go as a group, but everyone else ditched me at the last moment.  Lex called naming an unspecific business emergency.  Pete had a date.  Chloe and her latest boyfriend were going to spend the night alone.

 

David and I had fun.  We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, but I felt relaxed around him.  That is, until he kissed me.

 

I enjoyed the kiss, but the moment his lips left mine, panic and fear dropped on me, causing more damage than a meteor rock.  I changed my mind, I didn’t want to be gay.

 

David has been very patient with me.  Once the initial shock passed, I admitted my fears about being different (without mentioning the added bonus of being an alien).  He understood and didn’t push, but he didn’t leave me alone, either.  I’m glad, because now we are an official, but very in the closet, couple and I couldn’t be happier.

 

 

July 14, 2004

 

I am in love with David

 

 

August 20, 2005

 

David left for Japan yesterday.  We agreed to split up.  Long distance relationships across oceans and continents are not possible.  I still love him, though, and I’ll miss him.

 

I’ll be leaving for college in a few days.  I have been accepted at Kansas State-Messing.  Before I leave, though, I’ve decided to tell my parents and my friends that I’m gay.

 

 

August 26, 2005

 

Things didn’t go as well as I expected.

 

I had been itching to tell my parents for a long time.  However, I was unsure of their reaction.  For this reason, I bade my time and waited until I was eighteen.  Well, I’m past eighteen and knew I couldn’t put it off any more.

 

We were sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast this morning, just like we have done every day since I can remember.  I had rehearsed this long speech several times.  I would tell them how I was still the same person, how I would always love them, how this had nothing to do with their parenting.  It was a great speech.  It would have been better if I delivered it.  Things went quite differently.

 

“Mom, dad, there is something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

 

My father put a hand on my shoulder and gave me an encouraging smile. 

 

“You know you can tell us anything, Clark,” my mom said.

 

I believed her.

 

“I’m gay.  I’ve known for a while and I just broke up with my boyfriend.”

 

The room froze.  It was almost as if I was moving at superspeed and I was seeing them moving at human speed.  Then, the moment was broken. 

 

My father dropped his hand from my shoulder almost as fast as I can move.  When I looked at him, he just lowered his gaze.  I don’t know if he was ashamed of me or of his reaction.

 

My mom just said, “Oh!”

 

I left the house.  I couldn’t stay there or I would lose all my courage to tell my friends.  I still needed to talk to Chloe, Pete and Lex.

 

I found Chloe first.  The conversation was much more pleasant than the one with my parents.  She was very understanding.  I didn’t expect anything else from her.

 

She told me that she had suspected for a while, but didn’t want to push me.  She also seemed to have noticed how close I was with David.  She is a good reporter, after all. 

 

I almost cried, thinking that a friend could accept my being gay easier than my parents.  She saw my reaction even if she probably didn’t really comprehend everything behind it.  She hugged me close.

 

“We’ll always be friends, Clark,” she murmured in my ear.

 

“I have to find Pete.  I want to tell him before I leave.”

 

“Not everyone will accept your sexual preference, Clark.  Just remember it’s their loss.”

 

She looked as if she wanted to say more, but she never did.

 

I found Pete at his house.  I had never been so nervous at the Ross home.  It usually reminded me of my house.  Today, it was different.  However, Chloe’s reaction gave me hope.

 

“Hi, Pete.”

 

“Clark, come in.  I’m still packing.  I can’t believe how much crap my mom wants me to take to college.  You’d think that I’m moving to New Zealand for the next few years.  One day, you’ll have to tell me how you manage to do all your chores so quickly.”

 

“I’m just more organized than you,” I said while we went to his room.  I don’t think I blush as much as I used to when I lie.  “Gee Pete, have you packed anything?”

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.  Besides, I’m going to school in Metropolis.  If I forget anything, my parents can always bring it to me.”

 

“Pete, I don’t want to slow you down, but could you…maybe…sit a moment.  I need to tell you something.”

 

“Yeah, sure, what is it?”

 

I took a deep breath and just told him that I’m gay.  If I expected him to be half as accepting as Chloe, boy was I surprised.

 

“You’re kidding, right?  I mean you couldn’t possibly be gay.  Girls fall for you all the times.”

 

“Yes, and I’ve never dated any of them, Pete.  I was not interested in them; I am not interested in any of them.”

 

“I can’t believe you’re a fag.”

 

This was probably the nicest thing that came out from his mouth.  Things went downhill from there.  He accused me of lying to him, which was the only true statement, but seeing his reaction I couldn’t feel guilty about the lie. 

 

I still cry when I think about all that was said.  He thinks I’m a pervert.  He told me that my sexuality goes against God and nature.  He said that I am a freak.  I wanted to scream at him.  I wanted to tell him that his God is not mine, that I don’t know what it’s normal for me.  The tears prevented me from speaking.

 

When he told me that he didn’t want to see me again, I ran out as fast as I could, without showing any more of my freaky powers.  I went straight to Lex’s mansion.  When I got there a chilling thought prevented me from going inside.

 

I couldn’t lose another friend.  Lex has always been too important to me.  At that moment, the idea of being rejected by Lex was more than I could bear.  I knew I had to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t.  Not then.  I would find the right time to come out to him.

 

I went back home.  I was still crying.  My mom hugged me.

 

“I’m sorry, baby.  We were just surprised.  That’s all.  We love you and always will.”

 

I looked up at my father.  He patted me on the back, but then he removed his hand as if he had been burned.

 

“Sorry, son.  I just need time to get used to that.”

 

The words were forced, but at least he was talking to me.

 

 

September 6, 2005

 

I arrived at school today.  Yesterday was Labor Day and classes officially start tomorrow.   Mom and dad came with me to help me set things up.  Not that I needed any physical help.  I think mom just wanted to give me some moral support.

 

I’ve made the decision not to hide my sexual preference any longer.  I have too many secrets in my life.  I refuse to hide another part of me when there is no reason for it.  I don’t know if I’ll really want to be an active member of the gay community in school, but I know I don’t want to bury myself under more lies.

 

 

October 18, 2005

 

I hate my life.

 

 

October 19, 2005

 

These have been two long months.  Too long.  I haven’t had the strength to write down all that has happened to me.  It seems that I feel the need to write only when something particularly horrible happens.  Much has happened in the past few months, mostly bad.  I don’t know where I should start.  Things seem so confusing.  I’m going to try to create some order in my head.

 

I guess I should start with my parents.  The last few days I spent at home were not the most comfortable.  My mother seemed fine.  She asked a few questions about David, but really didn’t press me.

 

Dad was a lot different.  I never realized how much we touched each other until he stopped touching me.  We used to hug.  He would pat my back.  Support was shown physically as well as verbally.  Not anymore.  I am not sure why.  I’m too afraid to ask.

 

They were here for a visit at the end of September.  They spent half a day with me.  They told me about the changes in Smallville.  Not that anything really changes in a small town.

 

Mom was really natural.  I was so glad to have some normalcy again.  Dad seemed a little more relaxed.  We still kept a few feet of distance between us.  I could hear his heartbeat speed up the moment I got a little too close.

 

We had an early dinner together, talking about my classes and how I was adjusting to college life.  Never once did they ask about my personal life, and I was glad.  I didn’t think we were ready for that. 

 

Then, dad and I reached for the bread at the same time.  Our hands touched.  Dad almost flew from his chair.  He took a moment to collect himself.  He was looking at everything but me.  I could see the shame in his eyes.  Way back when, I would have forgiven him immediately, but at that moment I didn’t want to.  I was hurt.

 

Before they left, he hugged me.  Not the usual lingering hug, but a quick embrace followed by a muttered ‘Sorry, son’.  I wish it had been enough.  It wasn’t.  My family has been the center of my universe for so long, the one thing that kept me sane when I was discovering my ‘uniqueness’.   For a while I wanted to go back in time and erase the day I came out to them.  I wanted to curl up in my father’s arms and pretend it didn’t happen.  I know it’s impossible.  I know it would be impractical even if it were possible, but I miss his faith in me and his acceptance. 

 

Oh, the joy of growing up!

 

The other aspects of my life have been just as screwed up.  I have been lonely.  I miss Chloe with her nosy disposition.  I miss the talks I had with Lex sitting at the Beanery and later, the Talon.  I even miss Pete and his stupid jokes.   But most of all I miss David.

 

I thought, perhaps, that I could find a replacement for him, but boy was I wrong!  I ended up sleeping with most gay men on campus - not that there are many - and off.  I had become a true slut.  I was hoping to find the closeness we had, to regain the feeling of utter peace I felt when I was with David.  Instead, I found cold and empty sex. 

 

The few instants of physical pleasure can’t make up for the loneliness I feel afterwards.  Hopping from bed to bed may not have been the smartest idea, but it has taught me something of great value: I will not have sex without love.  I just hope that my hormones agree with my heart and brain.

 

I guess not everything has been bad.  I have become a part of the campus GayLesBi group.  There are fifteen of us, and I am the only freshman in the group.  We know there must be more homosexuals on campus, statistically speaking, but we are the only ones willing to come out.

 

They have been very supportive and have already gone through some of the same problems.  They've shared horror stories about dates, clubbing, true friends, ex-friends, and coming out.  I'm actually quite lucky that my parents took my coming out as well as they did.

So I suppose I should finally get to my latest problem, the one that prompted this new entry.  His name is Professor Tanksley.  The man is the stereotypical homophobic ignorant.  I can’t stand him.  I never knew that I could hate someone, but I do.  I hate him.

 

The man has made fun of me the entire frigging term.  Nothing overt, no, he is too smart for that.  Don’t want to lose his precious tenured job.  Instead, he has used every covert mean to embarrass me in front of the other students.

 

I used to call Lex every Tuesday and Thursday, right after each class, and complain to him.  He listened to me, but it wasn’t enough.  He couldn’t understand, not when I wouldn’t tell him what happened.  And how could I tell him when he didn’t know that I was gay?  I felt so lonely.  When he asked specifically about what was wrong, I would lie.  Then, I would feel even worse for lying to my best friend.

 

So I stopped calling, or at least I stop talking.  I complained less and less.  The utter isolation from my last friend is tearing me apart.  I have made new friends, but it’s not the same.

 

Oh God, I feel so depressed.  Even worse, I’m rambling.  I am not even talking and I’m rambling.

 

Going back to yesterday.   Another wonderfully disgusting Tuesday.  Class was worse than usual.   The man simply knows what makes me tick.  I thought of myself as a pretty laid back guy.  I have never used my strength to purposely hurt, never felt the need to, but I almost went up to his desk and punched him.

 

I swear he would just look at me and call on me when he knew I was not paying attention or if he was sure I didn’t know the answer.  My blush still betrays me.  Of course, the embarrassment wouldn’t be so bad, it’s just part of college life.  No, the bad part is the veiled homophobic comments that inevitably follow.

 

Tonight, I went to one of our GLB meetings.  I usually don’t say anything, but I finally exploded.  I am glad I did.  Each member of the GayLesBi group seemed to have a war story about Tanksley.

 

Ronnie was especially nice.  She stayed with me after the meeting and let me cry on her shoulder.  I’m glad I can finally talk to someone.

 

 

November 22, 2005

 

Today was another particularly hard day.  Ronnie met me right after class.  I don’t even have to ask anymore.  She just appears every Tuesday and Thursday with a big pint of chocolate ice cream.  We sit and talk for a while.   She seems to have appointed herself my surrogate mother at school.  I’m so glad to have her as my friend.

 

 

December 19, 2005

 

An idiot, or two, or three decided that I would be the perfect victim for a hazing.

 

When I came back from my English Lit. final, the sight that welcomed me brought me to my knees.  Literally.  Every wall and every piece of furniture were covered with red paint.  My mattress had been gutted out.  Every poster, book, and knick-knack were torn or smashed on the floor.  My clothes had either been ripped apart or spray-painted.

 

The first thought was ‘at least all my notes are in my backpack’.  The second one was that I had finally lost my mind.  I was worrying about notebooks when all my worldly possessions had been destroyed. I began laughing.  I couldn’t stop.  It must have been the shock.  The laughter soon turned into tears.  

 

I don’t know how long I stayed there, kneeling in the middle of the room.  I would have probably stayed there the entire night, a sudden lethargy taking over me.  However, I needed to call security.  I would not be held responsible for replacing the school’s property.  I don’t even have the money to replace my things.

 

It was late evening when the paperwork was finished and they found a new room where I could stay while all traces of the hazing could be removed with some quick drying paint and cheap furniture.  The traces left on me would be harder to erase.

 

I’d better stop writing and start studying.  I have more finals before the term is over.

 

 

December 22, 2005

 

I hadn’t told anyone about the hazing.   There isn’t anything anyone can do.  I didn’t want to worry my parents.  They would feel obligated to buy me things, but I know they are having financial problems again.  They haven’t told me outright, but I can feel the tension when dad calls me and talks about the farm. 

 

I know if I told Lex I would get a few thousands of dollars worth of merchandise.  I wish I could tell him, not for the clothes, but because I need a shoulder to cry on.

 

I have bought a new pair of jeans and a sweater and switch my two outfits.  I’m hoping that I can put enough money on the side during Christmas break to buy some more stuff.  Goodwill’s pretty cheap, I’d imagine.

 

I’ll be staying with Jason and Tommy over winter break.  They are lifesavers.  I couldn’t afford to rent a room during the break and I can’t go back to Smallville because I can’t give up my job.

 

Today, our little group met to exchange gifts.  I couldn’t get the guys much.  I wish I could have.  They have been so supportive, especially Ronnie. 

 

I was fast approaching the point of irreversible depression when they surprised me.  Scott was informed by campus security of the hazing.  They explained to me that he gets notified of every hate crime.  When they found out, they went out and tried to replace as much as possible.  The guys gave me so much stuff.  They are not expensive things, on the contrary, Goodwill must have bare racks, but what they did get means so much to me.   I am so lucky to have such good friends. 

 

 

January 1, 2006
 
New Year's Resolution: Never believe Tommy when he says "Trust me, the glitter will come off."

 
February 10, 2006

Ronnie and Bec celebrated their three-year anniversary today.

I miss David.

 

March 24, 2006

 

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring Break.  Well, I guess it really started today when classes ended, but for me it starts tomorrow. 

 

The GayLesBi group is going to Aspen.  There are seven of us, plus Lex.  I invited him to come with us.  I hope this is the right time to let him know the truth.  Considering how well all my speeches have gone, I’ve decided to let him find out by himself that I’m gay.  I’m hoping that if he doesn’t see any major difference in my behavior, he won’t reject me.

 

I feel excited and scared at the same time.  I hate lying to Lex.  I have wanted so many times to break down and tell him everything.  Okay, so maybe not everything.  My alienage is still a secret I want to keep.  On the other hand, I’m still afraid of his reaction.  Here is the rich billionaire who is surrounded by beautiful, albeit untrustworthy, women and he finds out that his friend is gay.

 

I think it’s time I start praying to known and unknown deities.

 

 

March 25, 2006

 

I have gone through so many different emotions in just one day.  

 

Lex arrived by helicopter at six in the morning.  I had to borrow a car to go and pick him up.  I could feel his eyes on me during the drive.  I knew he was itching to comment on my choice of transportation.  I think I managed to surprise him when I told him that if he offered in another year, I might accept his offer to give me a car.

 

I was so excited that I couldn’t keep still.  I was bouncing even while driving the car.  He seemed relaxed.  Of course, his demeanor changed the moment he met the others.  I don’t think he even realizes, but he only drops the businessman mask when we are alone.

 

He got his first phone call at 7:00 am.  I had forgotten how he is always working.  The fact that it was his father didn’t please either of us.

 

When he hissed out, “Clark’s eighteen now, and I can do whatever the hell I want with him,” I wasn’t sure if I should be mortified or simply throw myself at him.  In the end, I simply blushed.

 

The rest of the ride was uneventful.  I did sleep awhile.  Lex seemed very tense by the time we reached the lodge.  I still don’t what happened or if someone said something.  I tried to ask him, but he simply brushed it off.

 

We talked for a while when we got to Blair Downs.  I could see from his questions that he was trying to gauge the people he just met.  He can never relax.  I know he must hate to be in an environment that he can’t control and predict.  The fact that he is willing to be here anyway gives me hope for our friendship.

 

After unpacking, when we met the guys downstairs, the conversation turned to sex.  It would have been the perfect opportunity to inform him of my gender preference, except I thought he was going to die when I told him I was not a virgin.  Lex’s pale complexion became ghostly.  I don’t understand why the news would shake him so much, but it did.  So I kept my mouth shut and hoped for a better occasion.

 

We went to the Skiers Lift for the night.  Lex refused to move from his chair.  He spent his time talking to Bec.  I wasn’t surprised, since her sarcasm is just as sharp as Lex’s.  I feel sorry for anyone who goes against those two.

 

I danced with the guys for a while.  When a slow song came on, Ronnie and I danced together.  This gave us a chance to talk.   She told me that Lex likes me, as in he really, really likes me.  Her gaydar must be seriously malfunctioning.  Lex, the man with hordes of beautiful women around him, is not gay.  I told her so, but she just shook her head, telling me that I’m blind.  She just doesn’t know him as well as I do.

 

The night ended badly.  John was hitting on a straight and homophobic man who decided to use his fists to explain the point.  I wanted to hit the jerk so bad.  Only years of restraint prevented me from doing so.

 

Once the confrontation was over, I apologized to Lex.  While I was embarrassed that he should be put in such a situation on my account, I had hoped that the insults had clued him in on the fact that I’m gay.  No such luck.  He seemed to think that I was only defending John. 

 

The situation could have become even worse, when I started staring at Lex a little too long.  A little too fixated on his crotch.  I know my blush would have given me away, if my face wasn’t already red from the fight and the cold wind.

 

I’m so glad the day is over.  I need some sleep to rest my mind.  I need to stop thinking about Lex. 

 

Yeah, like that has ever worked.  Lex commands attention.  Always.  He’ll probably able to make me blush in my dreams.  Oh God, that’s just wrong.  He is my friend, my best friend.  I need sleep.

 

 

March 26, 2006

 

I don’t know what is wrong with Lex.  He tells me everything is fine, but I know something is bothering him. 

 

We only had a few friendly moments together, but the rest of the time I can see the tension in every movement he makes: his hand frequently running over his scalp, his carefully worded sentences, and his inability to stand still.

 

The morning started bad and the rest of the day was even worse.  In the morning, he was so filled with the vacation spirit that I found him studying his palm pilot as if it were the holy bible and the answer to all world’s problems all in one.  I tried to see what was holding his attention, but it was only dollars signs and numbers.

 

When later I spurted out the number I had seen as the price to have me for dinner, I found out that was just ‘one’ of his bank accounts.  I was mortified for spying.   Lex seemed to take it well though.  It was the only few times that he truly laughed during the day.

 

Back to this morning.  Lex left the kitchen while I was making breakfast.  I don’t know what set him off, but I’m afraid that he was disgusted by what he saw.  My friends and I kissed.  We always kiss.  The guys and the girls.  I just hope that the idea of us kissing is not so repulsive to him.  If it is, this friendship won’t survive this trip.

 

Later at the lodge, his discomfort at how loud we were couldn’t have been more obvious if he had a neon sign over his head. 

 

We spent the night at the cabin.  Some friends came over.  Lex wanted no part of it.  He looked like he’d rather spend time with his father than us.  That was an indication of how much he was hating this trip.

 

I’m still not sure of the reason.  I tried to replay the entire day in my head to see what caused the intense feelings that he was betraying.  I know we made several comments, which should have given him a clue, but if they did, he never said a word to me.

 

Then again, he didn’t say much to me at all.  When he did speak, he was almost rude or cold.  When I tried to get him to play with us, I felt him tense in my arms, as if he hated to be close to me.  It reminded me of the way my father reacts to my touch.

 

He must hate me.  He just hasn’t found the courage to tell me yet.  Tomorrow, I’ll face him.  I need to find out what he thinks of me.  I can’t go on with this uncertainty.   I’m going to be strong.  He will not see the tears that are falling at the thought of the end our friendship.  

 

 

March 27, 2006

 

I’m hiding in our room.  Lex is downstairs making coffee while I told him I was going to change my wet clothes.  That took about three seconds; staring at nothing has taken a few minutes.

 

Why am I so nervous?  He is just a friend.  Lex will understand.  He always does, but he sounded so pissed at first, and hurt, and betrayed.  And I caused it.

 

How did it get to this point?  Oh yeah, I was too chicken to tell him the truth.  When he asked me why I didn’t tell him, I told him that I don’t like to announce it to the world.  There is less manure in my parents’ fields.  I’ve told just about anyone on campus.  I told my parents, my high school friends.  I could never be brave enough to tell him.

 

Well, I still haven’t told him.  At least not officially.  Everything started this morning.  I knew he was upset.  I actually managed to ask him if he was disgusted by me.  He just sighed, denied it, and offered to teach me how to downhill ski.

 

I accepted with the biggest smile I could manage without breaking my jaw.  And that is quite an accomplishment for me.

 

When we got downstairs, Claudine had shed her clothes and Claude was standing in her place.  Lex’s reaction should have been videotaped.  I still don’t know if he was bothered that Claudine was a man or that he hadn’t figured it out sooner, but I did know that it was not going to be a good day.

 

As predicted, things didn’t go better on the slopes.  I hate that bunny hill.  I should say that I hate downhill skiing.   It’s too much like flying.  I’m always afraid that if I let go, I’ll find myself soaring toward the blue sky.  As a result, I was going slower than a snail.  I caught Lex looking at his watch a few time, but I kept smiling at him.  The longer it would take me to get to the bottom, the longer I would be alone with Lex.  Just like old times.

 

Of  course, I couldn’t be so lucky.  Nothing ever goes as planned when I’m around.  Kevin and Pierce arrived.  I still don’t understand why they would even be around the bunny hill.  They know how to ski.

 

In the end, it didn’t matter why they were there, just that they were.  Kevin started to insult me the moment he saw me.  I’m kinda used to it, so I didn’t pay attention to him.  However, Lex soon arrived at my side.  He tried to defuse the situation in his cool and detached manner, but the response was an insult.

 

I couldn’t keep quiet anymore.  No one insults my friends, especially Lex.  It never degenerated into a fight, even though I got punched.  However, the words thrown at me were enough to finally make Lex realize that I’m gay.

 

To say that he was mad would be the understatement of the millennium.  I could hear the rage in his voice.  For the first time since we met, I was afraid of Lex.  Not that he could ever hurt me physically, but I couldn’t stomach to lose him.

 

“I thought we were friends,” he told me with so much venom that I thought I was going to throw up.

 

We were too upset to reason in front of other people.  I convinced him to go back to the cabin.  We didn’t say a single word while Claude was driving us back.  Lex was sitting in the passenger seat.  I could see the reflection of his eyes in the little mirror.  The rage was clear in that gaze.  I closed my eyes.  I couldn’t face him, not yet.  I wanted to wait as long as possible before my heart was broken.

 

So here we are at the cabin.  I can smell the coffee.  I better go downstairs.  I’ve been hiding long enough.  He probably thinks that I ran away, using the window.

 

****

 

And here I was worried.  Ha!

 

When I went downstairs, things were awkward for a moment.  When Lex started asking me questions, the answers came pouring out of me.  I told him about David, about my parents. 

 

I felt we were back in his castle talking about everything and nothing, always so comfortable with each other.  Lex knew exactly how and what to ask me.  During my entire confession, I never felt pressured or judged.  I didn’t tell him about Pete, but he sensed enough to know that I’ve been hurt by my so-called friends.  After that he didn’t seem mad anymore.  He actually touched me.  That gave me more hope than anything else, but I was still unsure.  I needed to ask.

 

“Are we still friends?” 

 

My voice cracked on the last word.  I stole a glimpse of his face hoping to gauge his reaction.  For an instant, his face revealed too many emotions to read correctly and then his mask was back on.

 

“No, I don’t want to be your friend any longer.”

 

When I heard the words, my whole world collapsed around me.  I guess that’s how Lex must have felt when I arrived in Smallville accompanied by flaming meteors.  I never felt so bad, not even around those green rocks.

 

“I want to date you.”

 

Holy cow, had Lex really said that?   I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t.  Shock is not strong a word to describe how I felt.  The next words were even more unbelievable.  I felt I had entered another dimension.

 

“Clark Kent, will you go out with me?”

 

By then my faculty to speak had disappeared.  My heart sped up faster than a cross-country run in under five minutes would achieve.  Lex Luthor, the billionaire, the businessman, my best friend, wanted to go out with me.

 

When my thinking abilities returned, I saw Lex facing away from me.  I hadn’t spoken for some time.  He must have taken my silence for a refusal.  It was time that I finally did something right in this relationship. 

 

“Lex, can we skip the first date and go right to the second?”  I asked him.  My tone was calm, but I wanted to play.  The word ‘relationship’ had set off a very juvenile reaction in me. 

 

“Why?” he asked me.  I could tell that he wasn’t sure whether I was serious or not.

 

“Good girls don’t kiss on the first date,” I replied.

 

That was a Kodak moment.  Lex’s jaw dropped so low that I thought it was going to hit the floor.  Of course, a Luthor never shows his emotions.  Or at least, that’s the crap Lionel tells him.  In a second, Lex was his usual composed self.

 

It was my turn to be surprised, though.  He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me.  A kiss.  A mere kiss and I was gone, flying among the planets.  Lex doesn’t kiss, no, he sucks your soul through your mouth and gives his in return.  He demands your total surrender and offers no less in return.  For one who says that he has never had sex with someone he cares about, Lex can put a lot of emotions into one simple kiss.

 

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking.   I told him all that I’d kept bottled up since I accepted that I was homosexual.  He listened to all my rants, his arm around my shoulder, his hand brushing my hair once in a while.  It was great.  When he told me that he had wanted me for four long years, I sighed.  It was perfect.

 

When the guys arrived, they found us on the couch.  I was still in his arms.  Ronnie just sat next to be with a big smile on her face.

 

“Told you he wanted you,” she whispered in my ear.

 

I think Lex heard her, but pretended otherwise.

 

“You go, Clark,” John intoned. “Now you have a rich boyfriend to take care of you.”

 

“Everything I have has always been at Clark’s disposal.  He doesn’t need to be my boyfriend for that.”

 

How could I have ever doubted Lex?  He has always been there for me.  He tried to help me get Lana even though he wanted me.  He offered to give me and my family what we needed.  In the end, he is giving me the best thing: himself.

 

 

March 28, 2006

 

Why didn’t I tell him sooner?  Today has been absolutely perfect. 

 

We went skiing again.  I managed to go down the bunny hill three times.  With Lex at my side, I was more relaxed and not as afraid to let go.  Of course, if Lex hadn’t stopped me each time, I would have crashed into the trees.

 

“I’ll always be there to catch you, Clark,” he told me with a smile.  I believe him.

 

Lunch at the lodge was even more interesting.  We were sitting on the couch.  I was half-dozing against his shoulder while he ran his fingers through my hair.  The rest of the group was sitting all around us. 

 

I tensed the moment I saw Pierce and Kevin entering the place.  Lex kept brushing my hair, but I could see him staring at them.

 

“If it isn’t the two lovebirds?” Pierce said sarcastically.

 

Lex got up and neared them.  His business mask was firmly in place.

 

“We don’t know each other and it’s only proper that I introduce myself.  I’m Lex Luthor, son of Lionel Luthor and second largest shareholder of LuthorCorp International.  If you plan to live and work in this or any other civilized country, then I suggest you apologize to my boyfriend and leave us alone.”

 

The entire speech was delivered in a calm, but deadly tone.

 

“Mr. Luthor, we didn’t…we’re sorry.”  Kevin managed to spit out.  He tried to shake Lex’s hand, but he simply ignored him and sat back down next to me.

 

“Have a good day, gentlemen.”  And with that, he dismissed the two.

 

A chorus of “way to go, Lex” and “you’re the man” rose around us.  My friends were clearly impressed by seeing Lex Luthor ready for war.

 

“Do you plan to ruin everyone’s lives, Lex?” I murmured so only he could hear.

 

“No, just the lives of the ones who hurt you, Clark.”

 

“Please, Lex.”

 

“I know, but you have to admit that they deserved it.”

 

I couldn’t suppress a grin. 

 

“Only this once, Lex.”

 

He smiled at me and kissed me. 

 

Lex didn’t fail to surprise me yet again, when he took me out to dinner.  Just the two of us.  This was clearly Lex’s habitat.  Elegant, expensive, and exclusive.  I felt a little out of place at the restaurant.  My clothes left something to be desired, but no one even alluded to it. 

 

The menu was full of words I couldn’t pronounce, but Lex patiently went through the entrees to find something I would like.  I’m still not brave enough to try something with snails or raw meat, no matter how fancy their names are.

 

The night was intoxicating.  Now, I know why women fall for Lex’s charm.  He has always been nice to me, but he has never used the seduction treatment on me.  Until tonight.  It was strange to see my best friend trying to seduce me, especially since he already has me, but it was surprisingly exciting.

 

Now, we are back in our room.  He is walking around shirtless and barefooted.  I see him glance at me once in a while.  I know he is trying to see what I’m writing.  He is not so good at subtlety, at least not around me.

 

“Are you done yet?”

 

“Almost.”

 

“You seem engrossed in what you’re writing.”

 

“Just something I do, Lex.”

 

He’s coming around and puts his arms around me.  He is trying to take a peek at the words, but I cover them with my hands.  He kisses on my neck while his hands sneak under my shirt.

 

“Put that pen down, Clark, and I’ll give something more pleasurable to do.”

 

 

March 29, 2006

 

“Somebody surely looks well-fucked this morning.”

 

That’s how I was greeted this morning by John.  My blush could probably be seen all the way in Kansas.  I heard Lex snicker as he followed me into the kitchen.

 

“Good morning to you too, John,” he said cheekily.

 

“John, don’t go upsetting Lex or you’ll never graduate,” Bec joked. 

 

“I knew you were the brain in this group,” Lex answered.

 

The barter went on amicably.  Soon, everyone was laughing.  It seemed strange to see Lex so relaxed around people.

 

“Any plans for the day?” Scott asked.

 

“Shopping sounds really appealing,” Lex answered, eyeing my outfit.

 

He couldn’t have found a more receptive audience.  Greg and John love to shop even more than Bec and Ronnie.  Claudine’s taste would probably run closer to Lex’s than the rest, though.

 

“You’re not buying me clothes,” I whispered softly while handing Lex a coffee mug.

 

“Consider it a belated Christmas present.  Besides, you know very well that you won’t clean my bank account if we get you a few outfits.”

 

“Come on, Clark.  You have to let him buy you stuff.  It’s the rule.  Boyfriends have to give you things.”

 

“See, they agree with me.  Besides, I’m not talking handmade Brioni suits.  Banana Republic sounds more like your style.”

 

“You shop there?” asked Greg.

 

“God, no.”  Lex sounded affronted as such suggestion.  “I just refuse to buy anything cheaper.”

 

There were giggles all around the room.  I could see the glint in everyone’s eyes.  I knew then that I had lost this battle.

 

As I feared, we spent the morning shopping.  Seven bags, five stores, and three and a half hours later, I was the proud owner of more clothes than I have ever had in my life.  Lex made me try on every single outfit.  I think he was just getting a kick at seeing me get undressed.

 

“You didn’t have to buy all this stuff, you know that?”

 

“Clark, I wanted to.  I don’t want to buy you things to get you or to impress you or to get something back, regardless what your father may have told you.  You are my only friend, and I would have done the same since the first the day we met if your parents had let me.”

 

I didn’t have an answer for something so sweet.  I just kissed him and lost myself in him.

 

The rest of the day was spent at the slopes.  Lex is still patiently teaching me how to downhill ski, or at least trying to.

 

We spent the night in yet another bar.  Greg and John avoided hitting on any straight men, thankfully.  We weren’t bothered by anyone, even though Pierce and his group were there.  I guess they’re taking Lex’s warning seriously.

 

Lex is already naked and lying in bed.  He’s looking at me while doing very naughty things with his hands.  He’s not saying a single word.  Just staring at me.  He licks his lips hungrily when I look at him.

 

“Stop that, Lex.  I’m coming, okay?”

 

“No, you’re not, but you will be as soon as you get that nice ass over here.”

 

 

April 6, 2006

 

Lex left today.  I am going to miss him.  Two and a half months before I return to Smallville.  He promised that he would try to come by if his job or his father doesn’t get in the way.

 

I wonder if I could explain getting from Messing to Smallville in under two minutes.  Maybe I could distract Lex with sex.  Since that is my ultimate goal, it wouldn’t be too much of an imposition.  On second thought, I know that nothing would keep Lex from grilling me.  The best I could hope is a thirty minute delay.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I know I can keep him busy for a few hours.

 

I sound like a total idiot.  All the sex has scrambled my brain.  Me, Lex, and sex.  Life can’t get any better.

 

 

June 22, 2006

 

I arrived in Smallville today for summer break.  My boss has graciously allowed me a two month hiatus from work, with the promise that my job will still be available when I return to Messing.  That was really nice of her, and I’ll have to make sure to bring her some of my mom’s prize-winning flowers as a thank you.  Dad had picked me up from school.  He seemed a lot more relaxed around me. 

 

We went home first to drop all my stuff.  If they were surprised at my ‘more expensive than usual’ outfit, they didn’t say anything.  I still haven’t introduced them to my new boyfriend.  I know dad will have a fit when he finds out about me and Lex.

 

Mom had baked chocolate chip cookies for me.  It felt so right and homey.  I missed the warmth of our family life.

 

An hour later, I was dying to go see my boyfriend.  I love that word.

 

“Mom, dad, I’m going to Lex’s.  I’ll be back later.”  With that I left.

 

I found Lex yelling into his cell phone while scrolling down pages on his laptop.  I stayed there for a few minutes.  When it became obvious that he was too involved with his work to notice my arrival, I cleared my throat.

 

Lex looked up.  A huge and sincere smile lit his eyes.

 

“I have to go now.  Just do what I said.”  He hung up the phone without waiting for an answer.

 

“Do I get a kiss or are you too busy?” I teased.

 

“You get a kiss and a lot more, Clark.”

 

He moved closer until our bodies were touching.  Our lips soon followed.  I missed this.  I closed my arms around him and pulled him closer.  I heard him moan.  I love the little sounds he makes.

 

I had to use all my willpower not to rip off his clothes and have my way with him.

 

“Slow down, Clark.  I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me softly.

 

“Missed you.  Want you, Lex.”  He chuckled at my semi-coherent words.

 

“You have me, Clark, but I think we’ll be more comfortable in my bedroom.  Unless you want my staff as an audience.”

 

That finally brought some sense to me.  I managed to restrain myself until we got to his room before shedding all of my clothes.

 

Two hours later, we were still in bed, tired, sweaty and completely sated.

 

“Are you planning to come over every day?”

 

“Yeah, unless you don’t want me to.”

 

“Oh I want you to, I just need to find someone to look after the plant.”

 

“Good, because I want to spend all my time with you.”

 

I sensed him tense in my arms.

 

“What’s wrong, Lex?”

 

“You know your father will kill me, right?  Besides, this is Smallville.  Are you ready to come out in your hometown?”

 

“I won’t lie.  I’ve done it for too long.  People will have to deal with it.  And my father will not kill you.”

 

He snorted at the last sentence.

 

“Your father will dream of ways to kill me, all slow and painful.  His truck, his rifle, his ax, they will all be means to obtain my death.”

 

“I think you’re overreacting, Lex.  Just come over for dinner and we’ll tell them.  It’ll be fine.  I think they’d rather hear it from us than through the rumor mill.”

 

He sighed, but I knew he could see the validity of my argument.

 

“Fine, but if I die it’ll be all your fault.”

 

 

June 23, 2006

 

Lex came over for dinner.   He wanted to postpone.  Indefinitely.  But since we can’t go out together until we tell them, he had not choice.

 

“Hello Mr. Kent, Mrs. Kent.”

 

Lex arrived with a bouquet of flowers for my mom.

 

“Lex, it’s good to see you again,” my mom answered honestly. 

 

My dad muttered a forced  ‘hello’.

 

Oh, this was going to be fun.  Not.

 

Dinner was pretty relaxed considering my father’s opinion of Lex, and of all the Luthors in general.  We managed to get to the coffee without mentioning Lex’s reputation or my homosexuality.

 

“You guys must have a lot of caching up to do.  You two haven’t seen each other for almost a year,“ mom remarked.

 

Lex looked at me as if he wanted to kill me.  I guess I forgot to mention to them that he was with me for Spring Break.

 

“Actually mom, we saw each other in March.  Lex went to Aspen with us.”

 

“Oh!”

Oops.  This started to sound like my coming out announcement.  Maybe Lex was right.  Dad was going to kill him first, and then he was going to try to kill me.

 

“You never mention that, son.”

 

“I guess it slipped my mind.”

 

“Really?” Lex asks.  Now, he was getting pissed at me. 

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, Lex,” I told him before looking at my dad.  “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would get upset and there was no reason to.  He came as a friend.  I needed to talk to him.  He still didn’t know that I was...”

 

“Oh!”

 

This was getting old, fast.

 

“I’m glad it didn’t change anything between you two,” my mom said.

 

“I don’t mean to offend anyone, but Clark is gay.  I think we are all adults enough to say the word,” Lex said in his businessman tone.  “However, the revelation did change something, Mrs. Kent.  I’m dating your son now.  I’ve loved him since the day I met him, but I have never hoped that he would even consider being with me.  I am glad that things have changed.”

 

Silence enveloped the house.  I don’t know what my parents were thinking nor did I care at that moment.  He loved me.  He still loves me.  That was the only thing I could think about.

 

I took his hand in mine.  His feature softened as he smiled at me.  I smiled back.  My parents were forgotten for a moment.

 

“You can’t be serious, Clark,” my father finally said.  “He’s a Luthor.”

 

“Dad, please.  How many times do we have to have this discussion?  I want to be with Lex.  I understand that you may not like my choice, but it is my decision to make.  I’m old enough to know what I want.”

 

“Fine, but don’t come crying to us when he hurts you.”

 

He got up and left.  Mom went after him, giving a small apologizing smile before leaving.  Lex hugged me.

 

“He’ll come around, Clark.  He loves you, and I plan to show him how wrong he is about me.”

 

I hope Lex is right.

 

 

June 24, 2006

 

I spent the afternoon catching up with Lana and Chloe.  When I returned home, I found Lex and my parents talking around the kitchen table.

 

“What’s going on?  Mom, dad?”

 

“Hi, Clark,” Lex immediately greeted me with a smile.

 

“Why are you here, Lex?  I thought we were going to meet at your house.”

 

“We asked Lex to come over, Clark,” my mom interceded.   “We just wanted to have a talk with him.”

 

I was ready to explode.  My parents and my boyfriend have little get-togethers without telling me.

 

“And you decided that I shouldn’t be present.”  They all stared at me as if the idea had never entered their minds.

 

“Son, we just wanted to make sure…”

 

“No dad, you don’t have the right to get Lex here to give him the third degree.  And Lex, you shouldn’t have come here without telling me.”

 

They were looking at me like I had gone insane.  They couldn’t see that they were treating me like a child. 

 

“I am not the same kid you met when you got here, Lex.  I’ve dealt with homophobic teachers, body glitter that won’t come off, friends who won’t talk to me because they think I’m a freak.  I think I can choose who I want to date.  None of you have the right to sit there and have secret meetings behind my back.  Now, do you have anything to say?”

 

“Clark, we didn’t think.  I’m sorry, baby,” my mom murmured.

 

“Lex?”

”Body glitter that won’t come off, Kent?  That’s the true test of maturity.” 

 

Lex was smiling at me.  I blushed.  I hadn’t meant to add that part.  He got up and neared me.

 

“You don’t have to get upset, Clark.  This wasn’t about you; it was about me and you know that.  You know I’ll do anything to make your parents comfortable with us being together.”

 

I kissed him on the lips.  Afterwards, he immediately looked at my father.  I think he was looking for the rifle he expected to materialize in my dad’s hands.  He relaxed when dad pretended not to see.

 

“Can we go now, Lex?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good.  Mom, dad, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

I looked at their faces and started laughing.  They all looked so surprised that I would say such a thing.  I got in Lex’s Ferrari and waited for him to get over the shock.

 

 

July 6, 2006

 

It’s amazing how quickly rumors spread in Smallville.  Everyone seems to know that I’m gay and that I’m dating Lex.

 

Strangely, the worst reactions don’t come from the older citizens.  The Luthors still employ most of the working people in Smallville.  The employees have learned to respect Lex in the past few years.  Those who haven’t know better than to offend him.  Therefore, they will not comment on our relationship.

 

My ex-schoolmates are a different matter.  I saw Pete talking to Whitney and some of the other guys from school.  When he saw me, he turned around and pretended that I wasn’t there.  I heard him telling them why we aren’t friends.  I ignored the insults that were uttered in form of jokes. 

 

I wish he could have taken this just like Chloe did.  When we met her at the Talon, she hugged us both.

 

“About time, Lex,” she told him.  “Those subtle stares you used to give Clark were not so subtle.  They were more the ‘I want to ravish you’ type of stares.”

 

Lex pretended to ignore her.  His jaw was clenched and I know he would have blasted her if she weren’t the only supportive friend I have left in this town.

 

Nell’s reaction must have topped them all, though.  We met while I was talking to Lana.  She just looked at me with disgust in her eyes.

 

“You would do anything to get the richest man in Smallville,” she told me before leaving again.

 

I couldn’t believe what the woman thought about me. 

 

I went back to Lex’s place and stayed in his arms for a long time.

 

“I love you, Clark.”

 

That was enough to make coming out worth it.

 

 

 

End