TITLE: Hot Flashes

AUTHOR: perletwo

SUMMARY: Response to alizardincrimson's 3-way challenge.

SPOILERS: Season six-ish.

RATING: Hard R to NC-17, if I do this right.

DISCLAIMERS: Joss is God! Mutant Enemy *rocks*! Grr, arrgh! (please don't sue me, 'k?)

A/N: This is purely experimental. You be the judge of whether it works or not.


"Hey! Hello! Welcome!"


"Xan-man! DU-ude! Hap-py las' night'a freedom!"


"Hey! Oh! Hey, Giles! You made it!"


"Indeed. So good to see you again, Xander! Congratulations!"


"C'mon in, the party's just getting started..."



"heeheeeee! oh what chaos shall reign once *these* babies are in the bubbly!"


"And we don't even have to resort to our demon powers to do it. Gotta love that mortal ingenuity."


"The humans have a saying, my friend: Better living through chemistry..."





"Spike. Champagne?"


"Sure, why not." ::sniff:: "...erm...hmm. Surprised you're not at my throat, Rupert. Buffy an' all."


"Nonsense. We're Englishmen. We're - well. *I'm* civilised. I'm sure we can settle our differences in a...mature fashion."


"Yerse. Whatever. Long's it doesn't upset Buffy. She's - " ::sigh::


"She is indeed. Pardon me a moment?"


"Sure." ::glug::glug::splash::



"Spike. Could I have a word with you in private?"


"Sure, if you think you can find any."


"Perhaps we could...step outside?"



"How much *longer*? This party's putting me to sleep!"


"Patience, my scaly friend. Perhaps half an hour more...."





"WottheBLOODY'ELL -"


"Did you really think I would just let you ruin and use up my dear girl without a fight, Spike? I told you what would happen if you dared lay a hand on her...:


"Watcher! I - she - we - I *never*! - "


"Save it for someone who cares. And don't bother struggling; those chains are enchanted, proof against your vampire strength. Come along now, be a good boy..."


"Ow! Giles, mind 'ow you're pullin' that!..."





"Hey! Giles! There you are! Almost time for the, ah, live entertainment if you know what I mean."


"Wouldn't miss it for the world, old man. Jet lag *is* beginning to catch up with me, though. I may leave the field to you young bucks right after, if that's all right."


"Ah sure. Say, seen Spike around anywhere?"


"No, no, not lately..."



"Thanks for helping me clean up, Buffy. I can't imagine what those boys were *doing* in here to make such a gawdawful mess!"


"Anything for the bride, Anya. Especially since my after-party date seems to have ditched..."


"Well, it's not just you, dear, *all* the men seem to have cleared out on us. What's up with that?"


"Dunno." ::sniff:: "Oooh! Leftover champers! Anya, d'you mind?"


"Help yourself. Consider it your reward for your good deed."


"Hey, Buffy, can I have some?"


"Dawn, you're too young and you know it!"


"Aw, c'mon Buffy, one glass won't hurt her. Live a little."


"Well, okay..."



"All ri', Rupert. The chain's're one thing. But this pose is BLOODY undignified!"




::swish::THWACK::swizzle:: "OWW!"


::sigh:: "And the latent British schoolmaster emerges from the librarian's mild-mannered exterior..."


::swish::THWACK:: "...shuddup, you...you...you an' my...mi'Buffy...m'dearrrgrrrl..."




"...bollocks...yerrrrse....*nice* red bollocks..." ::stroke::fondle::pet::


"...oh hell, Giles, you really *do* have a latent British schoolmaster thing goin' on, don't you?"


"...mmmm..." ::giggle::snort::giggle::zzzzziiiiipppp::


"...awww hell...OWW, 'ey watch where you're...h'mmm....okaaay...ohyeah, like that..."



::CRASH::giggle:: "SPIKE?"


"Buffy? Oh dear!" ::squeak::bounce:: squeal::


"Spiii-iiikkkeeeyyyy, you hoo-ooommmee? C'mout c'mout wh'rrrevvver you aaarrrreee..."


"BUFFY?! Down 'ere, luv! Thank God!"


::giggles:: "oooh, Spikey did a bad bad thiiinngg..."


"...ahh, luv, could you just, ah, the chains?...."




" - oh!...okaayy...ahhh...yeahhh...li'l to the left, Baby..."






"You're -"


"You're -"


::stereo::" - all NAKED! ...and...and...oooohhhh..."


"..aww, BLOODY'ell..." ::sigh::









"Ah! Sleeping Beauty awakens. Welcome back, Rupert."


"Not so loud, please....Spike?"




"Why, erm...why am I naked?"




"...and, erm...why are *you* naked?"




"...and...erm...why -"


::groan:: "...ohmigod...badbadbadbeer...GILES?! I'm - I'm - you're - SPIKE? WHATTHEHELLDIDYOUDOTOUS?!"


"ME?! I'm the one all chained up, you bloody bint! Ask y'r pillock Watcher!"


"...erm, ahhh, er, yerse, wellyouseeBuffyit'sallverysimple -"




"I'm guessin' it was somethin' in the fizzy water, m'self."


"H'mmm...no, why wouldn't you be hung over then? Vampire physiology?"


::smirks::"You weren't complainin' about the physiology last night, Rupert. Di'n't drink any. Stuff smelled vile."


"And you didn't say anything?" ::frowns::


"Figured Miss Anya'd saved a nickel buyin' the cheap bubbly for the stag party was all. Who knew?"


"....oooohhhh.... - oh NO! I let Dawn drink some too!"


"DAWN?! Watcher, I -" ::clank::SNAP::clonkle:: "HEY! Enchanted chains my red arse!"


"Erm, well, yes, they *were* enchanted...to make you suggestible to the idea they were unbreakable."


"Rupert, I'm shocked."


"That I'd deceive you?"


"No, that you'd be so devious. Right proud of you I am, mate."


"Spike, can we, ahh - y'know? Dawn?"


"Right. Off we go, then..."