TITLE: Hot Flashes

AUTHOR: perletwo

SUMMARY: Response to alizardincrimson's 3-way challenge.

SPOILERS: Season six-ish.

RATING: Hard R to NC-17, if I do this right.

DISCLAIMERS: Joss is God! Mutant Enemy *rocks*! Grr, arrgh! (please don't sue me, 'k?)

A/N: This is purely experimental. You be the judge of whether it works or not.

 

"Hey! Hello! Welcome!"

 

"Xan-man! DU-ude! Hap-py las' night'a freedom!"

 

"Hey! Oh! Hey, Giles! You made it!"

 

"Indeed. So good to see you again, Xander! Congratulations!"

 

"C'mon in, the party's just getting started..."

 

****

"heeheeeee! oh what chaos shall reign once *these* babies are in the bubbly!"

 

"And we don't even have to resort to our demon powers to do it. Gotta love that mortal ingenuity."

 

"The humans have a saying, my friend: Better living through chemistry..."

 

****

"Watcher."

 

"Spike. Champagne?"

 

"Sure, why not." ::sniff:: "...erm...hmm. Surprised you're not at my throat, Rupert. Buffy an' all."

 

"Nonsense. We're Englishmen. We're - well. *I'm* civilised. I'm sure we can settle our differences in a...mature fashion."

 

"Yerse. Whatever. Long's it doesn't upset Buffy. She's - " ::sigh::

 

"She is indeed. Pardon me a moment?"

 

"Sure." ::glug::glug::splash::

 

****

"Spike. Could I have a word with you in private?"

 

"Sure, if you think you can find any."

 

"Perhaps we could...step outside?"

 

****

"How much *longer*? This party's putting me to sleep!"

 

"Patience, my scaly friend. Perhaps half an hour more...."

 

****

::clatter::click::clank::

 

"WottheBLOODY'ELL -"

 

"Did you really think I would just let you ruin and use up my dear girl without a fight, Spike? I told you what would happen if you dared lay a hand on her...:

 

"Watcher! I - she - we - I *never*! - "

 

"Save it for someone who cares. And don't bother struggling; those chains are enchanted, proof against your vampire strength. Come along now, be a good boy..."

 

"Ow! Giles, mind 'ow you're pullin' that!..."

 

****

::huff::puff::click::gasp::

 

"Hey! Giles! There you are! Almost time for the, ah, live entertainment if you know what I mean."

 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, old man. Jet lag *is* beginning to catch up with me, though. I may leave the field to you young bucks right after, if that's all right."

 

"Ah sure. Say, seen Spike around anywhere?"

 

"No, no, not lately..."

 

****

"Thanks for helping me clean up, Buffy. I can't imagine what those boys were *doing* in here to make such a gawdawful mess!"

 

"Anything for the bride, Anya. Especially since my after-party date seems to have ditched..."

 

"Well, it's not just you, dear, *all* the men seem to have cleared out on us. What's up with that?"

 

"Dunno." ::sniff:: "Oooh! Leftover champers! Anya, d'you mind?"

 

"Help yourself. Consider it your reward for your good deed."

 

"Hey, Buffy, can I have some?"

 

"Dawn, you're too young and you know it!"

 

"Aw, c'mon Buffy, one glass won't hurt her. Live a little."

 

"Well, okay..."

 

****

"All ri', Rupert. The chain's're one thing. But this pose is BLOODY undignified!"

 

"Be SILENT!"

 

::swish::THWACK::swizzle:: "OWW!"

 

::sigh:: "And the latent British schoolmaster emerges from the librarian's mild-mannered exterior..."

 

::swish::THWACK:: "...shuddup, you...you...you an' my...mi'Buffy...m'dearrrgrrrl..."

 

::THWACK::ACK::ACK::swish:: "OWW-BOLLOCKS! RUPERT!"

 

"...bollocks...yerrrrse....*nice* red bollocks..." ::stroke::fondle::pet::

 

"...oh hell, Giles, you really *do* have a latent British schoolmaster thing goin' on, don't you?"

 

"...mmmm..." ::giggle::snort::giggle::zzzzziiiiipppp::

 

"...awww hell...OWW, 'ey watch where you're...h'mmm....okaaay...ohyeah, like that..."

 

****

::CRASH::giggle:: "SPIKE?"

 

"Buffy? Oh dear!" ::squeak::bounce:: squeal::

 

"Spiii-iiikkkeeeyyyy, you hoo-ooommmee? C'mout c'mout wh'rrrevvver you aaarrrreee..."

 

"BUFFY?! Down 'ere, luv! Thank God!"

 

::giggles:: "oooh, Spikey did a bad bad thiiinngg..."

 

"...ahh, luv, could you just, ah, the chains?...."

 

::giggle::snort::moan::

 

" - oh!...okaayy...ahhh...yeahhh...li'l to the left, Baby..."

 

"Buffy?"

 

"Giles?"

 

"You're -"

 

"You're -"

 

::stereo::" - all NAKED! ...and...and...oooohhhh..."

 

"..aww, BLOODY'ell..." ::sigh::

 

::swish::THWACK::giggle::

 

"...mmm..."

 

****

"...owww."

 

"Ah! Sleeping Beauty awakens. Welcome back, Rupert."

 

"Not so loud, please....Spike?"

 

"H'm?"

 

"Why, erm...why am I naked?"

 

::snort::

 

"...and, erm...why are *you* naked?"

 

::glare::growl::snarl::

 

"...and...erm...why -"

 

::groan:: "...ohmigod...badbadbadbeer...GILES?! I'm - I'm - you're - SPIKE? WHATTHEHELLDIDYOUDOTOUS?!"

 

"ME?! I'm the one all chained up, you bloody bint! Ask y'r pillock Watcher!"

 

"...erm, ahhh, er, yerse, wellyouseeBuffyit'sallverysimple -"

 

::moans::

 

"I'm guessin' it was somethin' in the fizzy water, m'self."

 

"H'mmm...no, why wouldn't you be hung over then? Vampire physiology?"

 

::smirks::"You weren't complainin' about the physiology last night, Rupert. Di'n't drink any. Stuff smelled vile."

 

"And you didn't say anything?" ::frowns::

 

"Figured Miss Anya'd saved a nickel buyin' the cheap bubbly for the stag party was all. Who knew?"

 

"....oooohhhh.... - oh NO! I let Dawn drink some too!"

 

"DAWN?! Watcher, I -" ::clank::SNAP::clonkle:: "HEY! Enchanted chains my red arse!"

 

"Erm, well, yes, they *were* enchanted...to make you suggestible to the idea they were unbreakable."

 

"Rupert, I'm shocked."

 

"That I'd deceive you?"

 

"No, that you'd be so devious. Right proud of you I am, mate."

 

"Spike, can we, ahh - y'know? Dawn?"

 

"Right. Off we go, then..."

 

"SPIKE?! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?"

 

::CRASH::

 

::giggle::

 

::groan::

 

::END::