Quotes II

"Alternate Realities are neat."

This is a page dedicated to all those fan fiction writers who write something that made me laugh or made my cry. Either way, I loved it enough to post it here.

Links to sites that archive the stories are through the author's name

Newest ones are at the top

Back One

Buffy thought about it for a moment. Giles would kill her. Or worse, lecture her.

-Sometimes Even Vampires Like To Sing, by Rae Rosenberg

Cut to Angel's mansion. Angel and Buffy are finishing getting dressed. Their hair is, unsurprisingly, a mess.

Buffy: I gotta fix this. Mom will totally wig if we show up like this.

Angel: She'll just think you had a rough day. You have, look at your hand.

Buffy: Angel this isn't Rough Day Hair, this is Marathon Sex Hair.

- Nor a Borrower Be by Berloke

"Horny," Angel answered.

Willow stared at him her eyes wide. "What did you say?"

"Horny. That's what comes next. Drunk," he held up one finger, "Hung over," he held up another, "Hyper," a third finger went up, "Then horny." He brought the other two fingers up.

"That was two fingers, Angel," she commented.

"I know," he shrugged. "I'm well-endowed."

-Cat & Mouse: Caffeine, by by Samantha McCullah

"You've got slime in your hair."

She smiles and drags her fingers through her hair. "Occupational hazard," she says. "It never stops, does it? I never get to have a normal life. Maybe I should just give up trying so hard." Buffy looks back at him. "I don't even get to die like a normal person, so I don't know why I should expect to live like one."

Spike frowns. "You've got a normal life, Slayer."

"Are you kidding? Spike, I have demon slime in my hair. I'm standing here talking to a neutered vampire. I'd say I left normal a few stops back."

"But that's normal for you, love."

-Ghost Story, by Kate

"Hey there! Welcome to Hooters! I'm Barbie, and I'm going to be your party hostess tonight! Is there anything I can get for you boys?" she asked in a high pitched happy voice.

"Oh, my, well, I think it would be breast…" Giles said....

-Spanish Wedding, by Caitlin

Gotta warn ya, I've been doin' Buns of Steel. I can crack your head open at twenty paces just by flexin' my arse at you."

-CG: A Ritual Sacrifice, With Pie, by Mad Poetess

"So why'd she leave you?"

"'Cause I said somethin'. One little innocent somethin' that she took *completely* outta context."

"What was it?"

"I called her an evil, manipulative, scheming, money-hungry, nymphomaniac bitch!"

"And she took offence at that?"

-Eleven Pounds, by Karen McDonald

"I've just come to accept that maybe Spike's hormones, and my hormones... sometimes sort of... mesh, but no," she turned to face Willow. "We can't ever do that again."

"You can't?" Willow ventured carefully. "As in you can't, but you want to?"

"No!" Buffy looked down and tossed Mr. Gordo aside. "He's disgusting. He's evil. He's tried to kill me, and more importantly you, and everyone else I love, more times than I'd like to count. No," she said sincerely, making up her mind. "Of course not."

"Sounds convincing," Willow responded, "And, gotta respect the logic. But...what are your hormones telling you?"

Buffy gave in, flopping backwards on her bed. "They're saying, 'Bring me Spike.'" She lifted her arms for emphasis. "'With whipped cream. And hot fudge. And possibly a cherry...on...top...'"

-Wild Things, by NautiBitz

It was Giles who finally put a stop at the pathetic attempt at conversation. "Maybe we should not jump to conclusions. We can research it and see with what we can come up."

"Yes Watcher, I am sure we can find a lot of references to a male vampire turned into a woman rendered fertile by Boreas while visiting on Olympus and impregnated by another vampire."

-Mickey and Silvia, by Titti

Giles, left alone with the baby, blinked twice, then sat down with her in his arms and picked up a book.

After a while, he began to read out loud.

"The secretions of the Mergfa, while odourless to humans," the Watcher began in a soft, Dick-and-Jane voice, "are perceptible to demons of Class 1, 3 and 6, excepting Vuurz and those demons of class six which lack olfactory organs."

The baby cooed. And slept.

-On the Doorstep, by Meg

Xander looked around with interest. This was one of the less damaged parts of the school, and it was easily recognisable as his old maths classroom. He gave a shudder as he remembered many hours of absolute, mind-numbing boredom in this room. It did look different, though. The desks and chairs were all stacked up at the back of the classroom, and there was some charring of the walls. Xander shook his head, finding it incongruous to see the same mysterious equations still visible on the blackboard after all this time.

Spike followed Xander's gaze. "Oh, calculus." Xander stared at him with his eyebrows raised. "What? It's just differentiation. That's not so bad. It's the integration that's the real problem. You see, there are clear-cut rules for how to differentiate *any* function, but integration often requires some intuition and..." He trailed off, noticing that Xander was now watching him with a delighted grin on his face.

-The New Initiative, by Rosejax

Xander was so far in the closet he was in bloody Narnia....

-Karaoke Queen, by Faithtastic

"It appears that the heat wave is restricted solely to Sunnydale," Giles announced, newspaper in hand. "What's more, there's an unwarranted amount of humidity, unrelated to smog."

"And that means...?" Buffy asked.

"Demons," Anya said nonchalantly, tallying up the day's sales. "Heat wave demons?" Buffy pondered.

"Do they look anything like Gladys Knight and the Pips?" Xander asked.

-Sultry, by NautiBitz

Spike was happy. Spike was more then happy. Spike was elated, exalted, thrilled, euphoric and he had to stop reading the thesaurus when he got bored. If he wasn't worried about looking like a giant poof he might have just skipped down the hall after Xander.

* boyfriend.grin * There was that word again. And even if it was a lie, it still meant that Xander was thinking about it, and that was good. Because sometimes thinking led to doing, and doing led to lots of fun things involving handcuffs and chocolate syrup and mac and cheese because he was kinky like that.

-Bleed, by Ally W

"It's not right-she's not supposed to be 'ere. I buried her-she's dead." He paused and licked his lips; he was suddenly very dry. "But when I look at 'er, she's so alive that I can hear the blood pumping through her veins and I can feel her fighting her walls of insecurities and I can see her hurtin', and I can feel myself loving 'er. But I can't." Spike looked at the man before him. "She's gonna die someday again. And I can't bury her twice. How many tears can a man cry?"

"A man cries until he is sated. At the end of the long cry he finds meaning again. You've made it this far and the powers wouldn't choose just any ordinary vampire. They chose you for a reason. You carried her strength and her memories-it's what has made you strong. You're looking at it as if she's the one who has been given a second chance--but in reality it is you who has been given the second chance. The chance to make it right. This...is your payment. Spend it wisely."

-100 years of solitude, by Isabelle

Spike in the morning looked like a rumpled dandelion. He was all squinty and cranky, and his hair stood out in a fluffy platinum halo around his head.

-Material Girl, by Pet

I racked my brain for something to say to her. This shouldn't be hard, I mean my talent is meaningless conversation, right? However, I couldn't think of anything to talk to Anya about. I mean, we have nothing in common. No shared interests, no mutual desires...except for sex, of course. What a great thing to base a relationship on! We both have a mutual affection for my penis. Yippee! God, we're just a hop step and a jump away from marriage and those 2.5 kids.

-Sleeping with the Enemy, by XanderSpikeLover

Resolute that she wasn't doing anything technically wrong Willow started to remove wires from the burned out section of the Buffybot's controls. *Not enough insulation and it's a pretty cheap kind of wiring, and to think that Spike was sticking...ahem..... himself in here......Probably in more than one place, hardly surprising that his hairs gone more standuppy.*

-Well, What's the Worst That Could Happen?, by John Cope

"Whoa! I'm sensing an extra side of bitter with your usual order of Spike hatred."

-The Sacrafice, by Shoshana

He knew at a certain point he was being unfair to her. She really did deserve a happy life in the sun,....but then again, he was a selfish-souless demon who wanted to hump her against the closest wall.

-All That Heaven Allows, by Isabelle

"Buffy, the point is that, throughout the ages, the fight against the forces of darkness has been aided by those who already found themselves outsiders, for whom keeping secrets and hiding parts of their lives was already second nature, and that often includes those whose ..."

"... lifestyle makes them feel like outsiders already."

"I was going to say 'romantic proclivities'."

"I'm glad I stopped you."

-The Buffster, Part 22 of Maybe He's Canadian, by Otsoko

"This doesn't sound good, but I still don't know what it is," Doyle said.

"You don't want to," Angel said. "My books are in the van. We'll help however we can."

"Big of you," Xander said, "considering what'll happen if-"

"You really don't like him, do you?" Anya asked.

"I really don't," Xander said.

"He's very good-looking."

"Now I like him less," Xander said.

"Maybe Buffy has a taste for tall, broad-shouldered men," Anya suggested. "The large-"

"Now I'm getting ready to like you less," Xander said.

"Then you can't have sex with me," Anya said.

"She used to be a demon," Angel told Doyle.

"Xander has rather unique taste in women," Doyle said.

"You don't know the half of it," Angel said.

"Oh, there was the praying mantis lady," Willow said.

"The Inca mummy girl," Buffy added.

"And wait until you hear about Faith," Angel told Doyle.

"How is Cordelia?" Giles asked.

"Are you asking to be polite or do you actually care?" Buffy asked.

"She's fine," Angel said.

"You do know that you can't judge the size of a man's penis by his overall frame," Anya said.

"Yes, thank you, we'll keep that in mind," Buffy said.

Anya rolled her eyes. "I'm only saying that Xander shouldn't take offense at my comment. One can't assume that just because Angel is tall and broad-shouldered that his penis is-"

"Someone make her stop," Tara begged, laughing into Willow's shoulder.

"-larger than, say, Doyle's. In fact," Anya continued.

"Why don't we work on some research?" Riley suggested.

"Let's," Buffy agreed.

"I want to hear what she has to say," Spike said.

"I think that I do, too," Doyle said.

"Let's get the books from the van," Angel said.

-Searching for Oz, by MatthewTime

Xander was jealous, why couldn't he pull the sympathy routine? Then he could enjoy his three partners fawning all over him for a change. Of course that would mean getting pregnant, and to get pregnant he would have to have a period, and to have a period would mean he would have to get a womb from somewhere....and that was pretty interesting in an odd Hellmouthy way. Could he spontaneously grow a vagina and womb, or would that be just way too odd for the Hellmouth?

Spike would go for it, that much he knew. The blond vampire would probably attack his Sire in order to be the first one to pluck Xander's newly appeared virginity. Angel would probably think he was the one to blame that Xander was now a woman, all because Angel didn't wear the light mauve embroidered waistcoat back in bloody 1886 or something equally as stupid. Whenever something weird happened, Angel always thought that he was to blame, no-one else but the 240 year old vampire. Willow would more than likely set him on fire for just daring to make a mockery of her womanhood and 'delicate' state.

-Random Ramblings of a Daddy to Be, by TJ Goldstein

Spike was singing a song to the tune of 'I'm Henry the Eighth'. He was making up his own words, and it started cracking her up.

"I'm Angel the Poof, I am. Angel the Poof, I am, I am. I got shagged by the slayer next door, and now we don't get to shag anymore. Cause if we do I'll be Angelus. Angelus. The biggest rat bastard of a whore-"

- Spanked by Echo

Angel smiled ruefully. "I feel like I should apologize for not loving you enough to turn evil because of you."

"However will I handle my vast disappointment?"

- Starting Over by Jae Kayelle

"You okay, Buffy?" Rachel asked the Slayer, noticing that she was still leaning on the wall, looking at all of them as if they were a bunch of gerbils claiming dominance over the world.

- The Cross of Change by Nick Midian

Wait, I can answer that. I can't let anyone know I am feeling anything for him. Hell, he'd laugh his ass off and we can't have that. It is such a nice ass.

- Dreams by Inell

"Willow, are you sure about this?" he asked.

"My total nudity and repetitive licking of your neck hasn't tipped you off?"

- Experiments by Midnight Girl

Willow collapsed in giggles. "Close! It's a platypus, of course." She pointed. "See?"

"Of course," Spike echoed, a befuddled look on his face. "Obvious, in'nit, from the way it has antlers...."

- Alcohol Good, Games Bad by Victoria

The floor was littered with the husks of number two pencils as far as the eye could see. Their little yellow bodies were broken and discarded like refuse. I bent over and picked one up, holding it under the light.

Wesley gasped. "The lead has been sucked out!" he exclaimed. "There must be thousands! It's a massacre!"

Horrified, I dropped the body. The vast scope and viciousness of the carnage made me ill. It was pencil genocide. "Goddess!" I breathed. "What could have done this?!" But I knew, and I vowed swift and sure revenge on behalf of those poor, murdered pencils. They *would* have Justice.

-Spanking Willow by Hush

Yes, he really was that bad. He was pathetic. He was lower than pathetic. He was almost worse than Xander's level of pathetic, which was pretty scary.

- Who Were You by Slade

[Wesley] shuddered. I've given that one too much thought, he reminded himself. Megan prodded him in his side and he gestured to her to keep quiet. She gestured back and Wesley wondered exactly how similar to Spike she was. He didn't fancy that kind of abuse all evening.

Still, Spike was famed for his sexual appetite.

I did not just think that.

Yes you did.

No, I didn't. I am merely rescuing this young lady and myself from the clutches of Drucilla's fiends. And then I'm going to try and find Angel and Spike before I start panicking myself that Spike's gone bad again. Or Angel's gone bad. Or they're doing things with Drucilla that I really don't want to think about.

And then I'm going to think about doing those things with Miss McGill.

-The Clockwork Vampire by Spirit

"I don't want to fight, Will."

Spike moved closer. "Then we won't," he said quietly. Angel gave him a faint, sad smile that destroyed what remained of his anger. He leaned against the bookshelf, effecting a casual sprawl not entirely at odds with his current unclad state. "This curse things a real bitch, eh, pet."

Angel reached out and ran a finger along Spike's jaw. "It does tend to cut into my social life." Despite the dry humour Angel's voice was thick with pain.

"You have me." Spike cursed as the words left his lips. Could he sound any more pathetic.

Angel merely nodded. "I know."

Spike couldn't stop himself. "But it's not enough, right?" Nor was he able to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Angel didn't miss it. He tipped Spike's head back gently and met his childe's troubled gaze. "Am I enough for you ?" he asked.

Spike jerked free of Angel's touch. "Unfair," he muttered.

"But true," said Angel calmly. He placed his hands upon Spike's shoulders and waited until the younger vampire met his gaze. "We need each other, Will. We're bound together in ways no one else could ever understand." He put his face to his childe's. "I'll never let you go and you'll never release me. I know that. So do you."

Spike remained silent. Angel continued. "But there's too much hate and pain between us for this to really work. Maybe one day we'll be able to let that go, I don't know. I do know that we need someone who can love us for who we are now. Someone who doesn't care about our past and has no claims upon it."

-The Arrangement by Esmerelda

"Ewwwww!" The beanbag immediately retorted, half a Willow emerging immediately to pout at him. "Xander, that's not a nice thing to call them just because they're nice to look at! You just want anyone who's any competition - not that they are, because they're undead and mostly evil, and, well, my best friend's property, kinda - but anyway, you want anyone who is any competition to be gay!"

Liz looked at her, puzzled. She didn't know? {{My, my.... Angel and the kid really *have* kept a low profile... no wonder Angel's been so crabby.}} She smirked slightly. {{Someone's not gettin' any....}} She feigned innocence for the maximum shock value. "But - they are. Well... occasionally."

Two heads turned to look at her so fast the vampire was sure they'd get whiplash. "What?!" Xander was the first to speak. "I mean - I knew it! I knew it! It was the hair! They are both *so* fixated on their hair!" He paused for breath then carried on again. "It *was* the hair, wasn't it! I knew it!"

- Homecoming by Victoria

"It's--it's--built like an ox, and it's furry, and it has a long cold tongue," the redheaded mortal said as Trouble took a sloppy slurp at her cheek.

"Oh. Just William, then," Ceara grinned.

"Hey!" the vampire protested and reached for Will's hand as they rose to stand beside the others. "I'm not *furry*!"

"Depends on where you look," Will giggled.

-Small Box by Ruby D

Spike followed at my side as naturally as he had in times of old. We moved together as partners, our steps well timed and practiced. We were on the hunt. Spike would have been given pause if he had noticed. For me, the feeling was a security blanket in an uncertain world.

-The Emperor's New Clothes - Angel's Monday by, Hush

Riley made a move as if he would try to take her in his arms. "Don't touch me," she warned. Infuriated, he grabbed her. She clawed at his arms with all her Slayer strength, reeling back in horror when the skin peeled off, revealing yellow scales underneath.

Riley smiled coldly. "There's something I didn't want to tell you, Buffy," he said, reaching up to peel away the flesh over his face.

Buffy stared in horror at the bright yellow kernel-shaped face before her, the quivering feelers that reached from the place where his ears should be.

"I am from Iowa, but I'm not human. I am a full blooded Corn Demon. I can pass for a human with the disguise Professor Walsh created. The Initiative, well, as we like to call it, the Scourge, hunts down and kills half-breed demons. Why would you want a half-breed like Angel when you could have the real thing?"

-True Colors by, CC