Saber ShadowKitten Quotes
"Ew, libraries. All those books. What's up with that?"
-Mitch, Invisible Girl
Other people's favorite quotes from my stories, both serious & silly.
If you have any favorites, email me with the quote & the story it came from.
Enjoy!
"Snyder turned out to really be a impotent troll with a bug up his butt the size of an emu. Cordy was right. Imagine my surprise."
Spike looked at the hand on his leg. Five minutes ago, he would've given his kidney for Xander to touch him like this, but now... he'd still give his kidney. He didn't use the bloody organ anyway.
- Cricket
All three turned and looked at the pale, shirtless pair sipping coffee. They
were a study in opposites, dark versus light, big versus lean, smooth verses
scarred, angelic verses chiseled. One was relaxed, the other a barely
controlled bundle of energy. But both were sensual, powerful, lovers,
predators, creatures of the night.
"Tell 'im what you did, pet," Drusilla urged enthusiastically as she re-braided his hair. "It is a wonderful story, my Angel."
"Not really that wonderful," William said to the contrary. "The dozy bint next door to me family's flat called the patrolman on me, when all I was doing was eatin' and gettin' a blow."
"That dinna sound that bad," Angelus said.
"I didn't think so, either," William shrugged, "but the tossers in the courts said that cannibalism and incest are against the law."
No men. No women. No friends. No enemies. Not even sheep. Okay, now I'm scaring myself. And talking to myself. Oh god, I'm *babbling* to myself. I've channeled my inner-Willow.
Angel felt a growl erupt from the back of his throat and he clasped a hand over his mouth in surprise...
"Um, excuse me. I had a soda at, uh, lunch," Angel explained lamely.
"Right," Cordelia said. "Because you Do the Dew all the time."
"Sherlock Elementary School, Watson your mind?"
- Cricket
Research had never been his strong point. Actually, he had no strong points when it came to World Savage; he just had big balls.
- Cricket
"I was not evil enough to deserve this."
- Cricket
Oh fuck, I'm dying, Xander thought fearfully. I got struck by lightning -- twice -- and now I'm in the hospital and I'm seeing funny and I'm pissing black and I still haven't had a chance to try sex with another guy...
- ANFSCD: A New Way Of Seeing Things
"I don't think I like Dr. Phillips."
"Why not? He's one of the foremost experts in his field."
"He looks like a troll. It reminds me of Principal Snyder, pre-demon munchage."
"Buffy!"
"Oh, come on, Will. Don't tell me you didn't see the resemblance."
"Okay, maybe there was a slight case of looking like Principal Snyder... may he rest in peace... or pieces, since he did get eaten by the Mayor, and we blew up the Mayor..."
"DAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYY!!!"
Angel dropped the first aid kit at the high-pitched scream. He whirled towards the office door just as it was slammed open. A peroxide-blond whirlwind flew into the room, jumped into Angel's arms, and pressed his face into Angel's neck.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," Spike babbled. "Save me!"
Angel had instantly wrapped his arms around the body that had latched onto him, and he winced when he felt his broken ribs shift. "Spike?"
Knowing his Sire was hurt, Spike adjusted himself so his weight was resting on Angel's hips only. With his hands clasped behind Angel's neck, the blond leaned back slightly and looked at Angel with as wide and scared-like eyes as he could manage. "Save me, Daddy! Please! Don't let him get me!"
"Who?" Angel's face reflected utter confusion and a hint of fear. "What's wrong?"
"Hello, Angel."
"YEEP!" Spike squeaked and put his feet on the ground. He slid to Angel's side, partially buried his face in Angel's shoulder and peered at Xander, who was standing in the open doorway of the office.
"Don't let him get me," Spike whispered in his best scaredy-cat imitation.
Xander hadn't met any merfolk before. The only one he was familiar with was Ariel from Disney's The Little Mermaid. Good flick. Sebastian reminded him of Giles, and Xander still kept hoping that Ariel's shells would get washed away by a strong wave.
- ANFSCD: Nothing Like A Good...
Eventually, he uprighted himself and, careful not to lose his sunglasses, swam towards shore, his
powerful strokes easily eating the distance the ocean had carried him. When he touched bottom, he
stood and walked toward Spike, who was sitting in a few inches of water and looking out over the
ocean, a white figure against the white sand and white surf, as if someone forgot to color in the
world.
But Spike liked Xander, and Xander liked him [oh hell, I love the peroxide
twit,] and their relationship was progressing slowly
[grass grows faster] but surely. [Woohoo, look how quickly paint dries!]
Buffy snapped out of her shock, but surprise at Xander's behavior still
underlined her words. "I know we couldn't have
succeeded without Spike's help. Although it sucks monkey balls that he still
has the chip, I won't lie and say that I'm that
disappointed." She gave Spike an apologetic smile. "Without that chip, I'd
have to stake you. You know that."
"Yeah, I do," Spike said with a nod. His scarred brow rose. "'Sucks monkey balls,' eh?"
"You know what, I was right about you all along," Xander said, pushing off the telephone pole. "You're not an evil, scary vampire with biting problems. You're a chipped Chicken Little."
Spike gaped as Xander strolled away. "I am not a little chicken!" he exclaimed, hurrying after the brunette.
"That's Chicken Little," Xander corrected. He gestured towards the night sky. "You know: 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'"
Spike looked up and frowned. "It is not falling."
"If--" Spike was startled by the sound of his voice, but only for a moment. "If you ever do that again, I will rip your tongue out and see if you like not being able to speak."
"Sounds like a waste of a good tongue," Xander commented, just before he kissed Spike.
Once upon a time, before the Dark Cavalier, before vampires, before puberty, Xander had a best friend named Willow and a best friend named Jesse. One ordinary day, he sat with his two best friends and watched a movie. On the screen in front of them, a boy and a girl were kissing.
"Willow," he had asked. "How do you know if you love somebody?"
"It's easy," Willow had replied. "The first time you kiss someone, even though your eyes are closed, you blink."
Xander blinked.
"Mm, yeah," Xander purred. The towel around his waist began to tent. "Death was right. You are cute." "I am not cute." Spike glared at the brunette. "Bunnies are cute. The Witches holding hands are cute. Babies are... sick, disgusting little things. Bad example."
"Um, Xander or- or dead person who looks like Xander," Buffy pointed at his chest, "I can see your organs."
After that announcement, Spike had the pleasure of witnessing not only the mighty Slayer faint, but Willow and Tara, as well. Three little schoolmaids all in a row; thump, thump, and thump.
"Love is interesting, pet," Spike began, a smile curving his pale pink lips. "It's what makes the effin' world go round, if you believe the namby-pamby sentimentalists and Hallmark writers."
He glanced over at Xander. "Thing is, love doesn't hit everyone the same way. For some, it's instant -- love at first sight, or sniff, or wiggle, depending on the species. For others, it's a slow awareness -- one day, you're sitting around shootin' the shit with your friend or lover, and you come to realize that your whole universe is centered around just wanting to see him or her smile."
Xander smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "Were you a poet in a past life, or one of those namby-pamby Hallmark writers?"
"No," Spike said quickly, looking away and once again cursing the fact that vampires could blush. "I may've ate a few poets, but there's no way in hell I was one. No bloody way. Not me. Not at all."
"Spike has to work during the day tomorrow. All day. Until after sunset.
Right, Spike?"
"Right," Spike agreed, catching on.
"I thought you said you didn't have a job?" Martin pointed out.
"Er, right, I don't," Spike said. "I, um..."
"Volunteer," Willow lied quickly. "At the, uh, the...blood bank."
Spike and Willow looked at one another, then burst out laughing. The four others at the table wondered what the joke was and they exchanged shrugs as the two calmed down.
"Oh goddess, I'm sorry," Willow said, wiping the tears from her eyes.
Spike shot her a grin. "Sometimes I help out at the morgue, too."
Willow started giggling again. "How about at those nights at the cemetery?"
"You hang around with the dead?" Martin asked.
The redhead snorted and quickly stuffed her mouth with fries. Spike smirked. "We have a lot in common."
Spike maneuvered Xander onto his back and moved over him, their bodies pressed flesh to flesh. Xander looked questioningly at Spike and was about to speak when the vampire shook his head. "You said your pretty speech," he said. "Now, it's my turn. I love you, I want to be with you, and if you hurt me again, I'll kill you."
"Oh, I don't know, pet," Spike said. "Nothing says love more than a cold beer and blood-drenched pizza."
"What about vomit?"
"That's only if you're a Woperfel."
"Sorry, Tara," Willow said to her girlfriend, "but I want Spike to be my boyfriend now. He has pizza."
"Spike," Xander said, staring into the cup of java. "During that microscopic instant of time when he's not being a jerk, do I enjoy having him around?"
The coffee didn't answer him.
Xander sighed and put the cup down again. "You're no help."
Spike shot a triumphant smirk at Buffy. Buffy scowled and stalked over to Giles. "Giles, this is Spike. Scheming, conniving, evil--"
"Slayer, stop," Spike said. "You're making me blush."
"Mind if I play with him?"
"Now see here, you faceless nonce," Spike growled, poking the black-clad man in the chest. "If anyone's gonna be playing with me it's me." Wait, that didn't sound right.
Work?
"Work?" Spike repeated the question aloud. He opened his eyes and peered across the water at Xander. "What work?"
"My work," Xander answered.
Spike ground his teeth together, his tension returning. "Your work doing what?" he clarified.
Xander raised his head and opened his eyes. "My work as Death's apprentice, what else?"
"Doing what?" Spike repeated, his jaw clenched tight.
A frown settled between Xander's brows. "What do you mean, 'doing what?' I work for Death."
"I know that," Spike ground out. He tried a different tactic. "And what does Death do?"
Xander's frown grew. "He's Death. What do you think he does?"
"For the love of all that's evil, will you quit with the bloody cryptic-boy routine!" Spike exclaimed.
Understanding flashed across Xander's face and a half-smirk appeared on his lips. "You think 'Death' is just Death's name."
"And your name is Xander and my name is About To Kill Xander," Spike responded.
"Oi, you nonce," Spike growled from beside Xander. "Concentrate. You can take the soddin' Slayer as long as you concentrate."
Xander tisked, turning his head and resting his cheek on top of his hands. "Shame on you, Spike, for rooting for the bad guys."
"You expected differently?" Spike commented offhandedly
"I hope you're happy," he snapped at the unconscious girl. "I'm not. I'm fucking randy as hell and don't have anyone to shag. If I didn't respect you even the smallest amount, I'd be pounding you into that mattress right now. I still might."
"Bud if he did sday, Swayer, da punce's souwl would ov daken a wawk," Spike pointed out. "You do would nod have been able do keep youwr hans off each ovver."
"So, that's it?" Buffy said to Angel. "You're just going to run off again and leave me to pick up the pieces?"
"If I don't leave now, I'm going to tear your new boyfriend into shreds and bathe in his blood," Angel replied, his voice revealing no emotion. Inside, however, he was a quagmire of jealousy and rage, all of which was focused on a single individual -- Riley.
"Oh," Buffy said, blinking at him in shock. "Why?"
"Because he hurt what is mine and has what I want more than anything," Angel answered bluntly.
"Oh... again."
"Hey, don't mess with my hair!" Spike's eyes widened comically. "Oh hell, I sound like the poof! Quick, stake me!"
Angel's smile grew as he watched the two loves of his unlife tease each other. Things may not turn out to be happily ever after, but this was close enough in his book.
"My mind-numbing visions are not just for entertainment, people."
"Don't blame me, blame the ponce," Spike said, gesturing to Wesley. "He's got a stick shoved so far up his arse, it pierced the part of his brain that knows I'm right."
Xander scowled, turned around and quietly stalked down the hallway. He was
not jealous. He had no desire to screw either
one of the vampires. The thought of caressing undead flesh made his skin
crawl, no matter how dang sexy the package.
A loud howl of obvious pleasure followed Xander from the bedroom as he entered the kitchen. "Shuddup," he muttered as he began to dig through the kitchen drawers. "You sound like a couple of demented zebras humping."
Finding his prize, Xander shut the drawer and headed back down the hallway. He stopped again in the shadows outside the bedroom door. His lips compressed into a thin line at the sight...
Nope, not jealous, Xander thought as he spun on his heel and marched into the bathroom. He picked up Angel's hairgel off the sink and unscrewed the cap. With his teeth, he twisted off the top of the tube of Superglue he'd gotten from the kitchen.
Nope, not jealous at all.
"...All he left was a stupid ransom note!" Buffy exclaimed into the phone, a piece of paper twisted in her other hand. "Even my holey socks with the bears on them are gone!"
Angel was having a very hard time containing his laughter at the other end of the line. "So what do you want me to do about it, honey?"
"Do some...Sire thing," Buffy said, waving her hand around. "Make him give me my clothes back."
"Why don't you just do what the ransom note says?" Angel suggested. "It can't be that bad..."
"'Slayer twit number one,'" Buffy read. "'If you want to see your clothes again, you and Slayer twit number two have to sing Madonna's Like a Virgin on stage at the Bronze. Hate you, Spike.'"
Angel bit his fist hard to keep the laughs from exploding.
"Like a Virgin!!" Buffy squealed. "Faith?!"
"Um, dear, you're not a virgin, either," Angel managed to get out calmly.
"Shut up," Buffy growled. "Just. Shut. Up."
I am cool. I am calm. I am collected.
I want to kiss her and never stop.
Don't go there. Don't even go near there. In fact, turn and run as fast as you can.
She smells so good.
"Hi, Angel," Buffy said, somewhat awkwardly.
"Buffy." You know her name. I am so proud of you.
'"You really should get a telly, mate."
When my Childe spoke to me for the first time in what seemed like forever, I, being the intelligent, well-educated, two-hundred-forty-plus year old that I am, replied to him quite succinctly and eloquently.
"Huh?"
"A telly," Spike said, hovering near the kitchen by the wall. "All you got is books. Boring."
"I like books."
And my IQ is in the triple digits, too.
- Thanks
"Thank you for visiting the Underworld. Mr. Reaper will escort you back to the surface."
Besides, Spike snored. Or, at least, that's what it sounded like. And sharing a lumpy double bed with the blond in a motel room was not Xander's idea of a good time. Unless, of course, said blond was on his hands and knees with his naked ass in the air.
"Inside, you will find a vampire who wants to change his name to Bruce, but lacks the knackers to do it."
Spike gave her a half-smile. "And if you go and fall in love with some tosser, I'll make sure he's good enough for you, then I'll ride off into the night like a bloody white hat and you'll never see me again."
- Perfect
Penny took a deep breath and started reciting, "Never trust anyone but myself no matter what. Don't get into trouble during the day. Don't call Grandpoof unless it's a really big emergency because he doesn't know I exist and he'll be really, really surprised if I do call. Don't leave the school grounds. Get good grades. Don't let anyone push me around. Listen to everyone and make up my own mind. And everyone here is a human, not a mark," she smiled brightly, "but that doesn't mean I can't beat 'em up or take things from them"
When you break someone's bones, it sounds like you're making popcorn. Except popcorn doesn't scream.
"I haven't had any in over a week. I'm dying here," Spike said.
"Insert the usual 'you're already dead' joke here," Angel said dryly.
Spike's lips twitched. "That was really bad, pet."
"What could you have been thinking about so intently that you almost pulled a George?" Buffy asked him.
"Pulled a what?" Angel frowned at her in confusion.
"A George," Buffy said. "You know, George of the Jungle? Watch out for that -- smack -- tree? Brendan Frasier in a droolcloth... forget I said that last one." '
I love vampire ass.
I step forward, reach out and drag him to me. My mouth descends upon his with intent to ravage and ravage I do. When I break away, he is gasping for air he doesn't need and his face is flushed from the blood that has rushed there. He opens his eyes and looks at me with the same virgin-like desire he had for me many, many decades ago.
I latch onto his wrist and manage to drag him into my inner office before I'm on him again. This time the door becomes the wall as I shove him back against it after slamming it closed. I claw at his clothing, rending it from his body without a care for the material, until he is fully naked in front of me. I rake my eyes down his lean form and I literally salivate because of what I see.
He's perfect.
Beautiful.
Mine.
I really should stop drinking before I pass out and the barkeep throws me out on my ear, and I burn when the sun comes up. Mind you, not that anyone would miss me. The Slayer would say it served me right, Giles would shake his head and call me a bloody idiot vampire, that boy would cheer and Anya would get laid. Even 1120-year-old ex-demon's get more sex than me.
Oh, and Willow. She might miss me. But that's only because it's in her nature to care for all things soft and cuddly. And currently I fall into that soddin' category. Spike, the soft, cuddly, fixed puppy, who's all bark and can't bite, that's me. Unlife couldn't get any worse.
My Sire just walked in the door.
I'm going to go find that Murphy bloke and shove his bloody law where the sun don't shine.
A wicked smile curled up the corners of Xander's mouth. Well Spike, the brunette thought, it ain't gonna happen. He was going to teach the biteless prick that Xander Harris wasn't someone to mess with... at least, not more than a couple of times.
Padded room, meet Spike.
- Greased
< Why don't you take notes? >
< It's boring, Giles, > Buffy whined. < Who cares about whether or not cows have four stomachs. >
< The cow probably cares, > Giles responded with dry humor.
***
"Oh good, you're here," Giles said, exiting his office with one of his many volumes in hand. "We have a slight problem."
"What is it this time? Cows with only three stomachs?" Buffy said with a satirical brow raised.
"What? Er...no," Giles said, looking up at her. He paused, catching the joke. "Very funny."
- Links
"So that means what? He's harmless like Hostile 17 there?" Riley rubbed his throat. "I don't think so."
"It means he's like me," Buffy said. "Not quite human."
"Don't say that, Buffy," Angel told her quickly. "You're one hundred percent human and I haven't been in...," he paused, a pained expression flickering across his features, "...a long time."
Spike started playing the violin in his mind.
"Well, it didn't work," Angel stated. He turned around and yelled up the stone steps, "It didn't work!" He gave his friends a small smile. "I feel better. Like a moron, but better."
- Elaisias
The Princess raised her head, her long, midnight hair falling away from her oval face. Two vibrant blue eyes defiantly met his. "Who are you?"
"'I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you,'" Angel said dryly.
Willow looked up at the man she'd fallen fast and heavy for in shock. "*Luke Skywalker*?!"
Angel glanced down at her and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."
- Elaisias
She reaches over and covers my hand with hers. "It's okay to look back, as long as you know that the person is waiting for you to do so," she says quietly.
"Um, Spike-" Angel started to say, but his Childe had already opened the bathroom door.
A second later, Spike re-exited the bathroom, a frown on his face. "Are you aware of the fact there's some tiny chit splashin' around in your tub?"
"Yes," Angel replied.
"Oh... Right," Spike said. "Are you also aware that she asked me if I neighed or not?"
"Well, do you?" Angel asked in reply with a small chuckle.
The smile that crossed the younger vampire's face was pure Spike. "Only if you ride me hard and put me away wet, mate."
"What does Angel possess that no other vampire in the world that we know of possesses which would, indeed, make him a-a-a rarity?" Giles asked pointedly.
"Hair that could stay perfect under a nuclear attack?" Xander suggested. Buffy hit him again. "Come on, I know you were thinking it, too!"
"You know, I think it's official," Xander said. "Our lives are one big rerun of Dark Shadows."
"Without Kate Jackson," Oz added.
"Never get between a pregnant woman and her toilet."
"Why is he asleep?"
"Angel hit him," she answered.
Joyce tisked. "You really should teach that man some manners," she commented, moving into the office to start the hot water boiling. "You'd think that after 240 years plus another hundred in Hell would have done something about that."
The class went by in a blur for Spike. He had pretty much given up hope of understanding his role as coach. "It's just a bunch of bloody breathing," he muttered. "Anyone can do that."
"Except for you," Buffy said with a giggle.
"That's it!" Spike smacked his head with the palm of his free hand. "A date. I knew it had something to do with fruit."
Spike was in game face, growling at his foe. His foe sat there, unnerved, at his threatening sounds. Shoving his chair away from the table, Spike stalked violently across the room, only to spin on his heel and glare menacingly back towards the table. "Get a bloody grip," he told himself, clenching his hands into fists.
He closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down, the human mask descending over his features. Then slowly, he retook his seat and faced his opponent squarely. "Now, you're going to tell me where to take the Slayer, or I'm going to rip you to pieces, got it?" he stated.
With that threatening remark, Spike pulled the mocking Sunnydale Yellow Pages in front of him and opened it.
"'Everyone needs a warm personal enemy to keep him free from rust in the movable parts of his mind,'" Oz quoted, handing the top book of the pile he was carrying to the other teen. "Gene Fowler."
Xander looked at him strangely. "Ok, I'm going to pretend that made sense," he said, taking the book. He paused with the book halfway into its correct spot. "Wait a minute. Buffy better not be getting warm and personal with Spike. And her movable parts are what got her pregnant in the first place."
But Spike didn't answer. Instead, he put on his 'I'm a good bloke, not a bloodsucking fiend' smile...
"Thanks," Buffy replied wryly, then stood and went back over to the mirror. "God, look at me. I look like Shamu."
"Girl, Shamu never looked this good in violet," Cordelia said...
"Giles, it is so wiggy," Buffy said into the phone. "He helped me. Ok, granted, it's not the first time he's done it, but still..."
"And you are certain this is Spike?" Giles asked over the line.
"I thought Invasion of the Body Snatchers right away, too," she replied. "But he doesn't look like Donald Sutherland."
At the turn of her thoughts to Spike's rear, she decided she really needed to date more.
"Well, thank you! That was really sweet," Buffy said, a second later she made a funny look. "Wait a sec, did I just say that Spike was sweet? Ugh! Maybe I shouldn't be drinking coffee this late at night."
"Sex."
"What?" Angel stared incredulously at the blond vampire sitting on the other side of his desk.
"S-E-X," Spike spelled out. "It's that thing two or more people do when they're horny."
"I know what it is," Angel said. "What I don't know is why you are asking me."
"I'm horny," Spike replied with a shrug.
Angel closed his eyes and shook his head in confusion. "What?"
"You said that already."
Angel just shook his head, then rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefingers. "So now what?"
He heard the smile that crossed Spike's lips, and when he reopened his eyes, he mentally groaned. "You want to have sex." It was a statement, not a question.
"You read my mind."
"I think that smile that's all but screaming 'fuck this vampire' helped clue me in, too."
"A toast. It gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets real, then it gets different, then it gets real different, but all of us keep coming back. Because we're family. And family sticks together."
"...You two took the interchange without signaling, now I'm lost"
"...But if you do hurt her, I will kill you."
"If I hurt her," Spike said. "You have my permission."
"Good sex does not equal love"
"A true hero is not one who does something because he has to or because he's been asked to or because there is no one else in which to turn. No, a true hero is someone who goes against the very grain of his being because he knows it is the right thing to do."
"...You are very especial to him."
"Right," she sighed. "And next you'll say that, only after three days, he thinks he's in love with me and that I decided to fall in love with him."
"With love," Jorge said. "You do not get to choose, you just fall."
Angel and Willow started to chuckle as they pulled into the mall's parking lot. Cordelia soon found a spot and shut off the engine. She turned and faced the smashed pair. "Ok, you two. Enough! If you do anything to embarrass me in this mall, I will slowly tear out your intestines through your nose and use it to decorate my Christmas tree, got it?"
"Guys, your making me blush," Willow said, hiding her face behind her hair. Everyone laughed, releasing the somber mood. "Ok. My turn. I never had sex."
Willow, Xander and Cordelia all drank. Angel stuck out his lip. "That's not a fair question! I'm 243 years old!"
"Anyone up for another game?" Willow asked, staring under the couch. Dust bunnies danced merrily to a tune only she could hear.
"I'm game," Angel joked. The others groaned. "What?"
"Xander, kick him for me," Cordelia whined. "I can't move."
Xander slowly brought one foot out and nudged the vampire's leg. "Take that, you fiend."
"You're an ass," Spike said, releasing his sire. "A complete wanker."
"A complete one," Angel agreed, nodding his head.
"And a pillock," the blond added.
"A big one." Angel slid his arm back around Spike's shoulder as they continued walking side by side.
"Prick," Spike muttered.
"I got a big one of those, too." Angel grinned.
"Sod off."
"Not a chance."
"Why the bloody hell do I put up with you?"
"Want to go have sex in the car?"
"Oh yeah, that's why."
Spike suddenly looked over at me and I feign nonchalance. I'm just standing here, acting like a post. Yep, doing nothing more than that. I'm a post.
However, Spike was still impatient and aggravating and had the attention span of a five-year-old. When he had seen the box, his first impulse was to open it, despite the warnings easily visible. Angel had tried to stop him, but stopping Spike from doing something was like telling that same five-year-old no... he'd pout and whine and would be exceedingly irritating until a yes was given, or he'd do it anyway.
Spike did it anyway, and now they were six inches tall.
Well, six inches and five and a half inches, respectively. Spike had always been on the short side.
"Surprised?" Spike took the cup from Angel. "Why should I be surprised? I met up with my sire, who I haven't seen in almost seven centuries and who I thought was dust, he tells me he was a bloody smuggler for..."
"About five hundred years," Angel supplied.
"Five-fucking-hundred years," Spike continued. "He has an Andinite with him that talks back to him, and he just made blood come out of a hole in the bloody wall. Why should all that be a surprise to me?"
"If it'll give you peace of mind, I'm a teacher now," Angel said. "Going on my ninetieth year."
"History?"
"What else?"
- I Have An Appointment With Eternity
"Damn, Spike, your record's as long as my arm." Angel whistled and scrolled down the criminal profiles screen at the computer on the desk. "Murder, arson, theft, racketeering...jaywalking??"
- I Have An Appointment With Eternity
He's looking at my neck!, Spike thought, watching as William tilted his head in a way that would have had Spike in his arms in a second if it wasn't, well, himself. He wondered why was it that he recognized himself, but William didn't recognize that he was, for all intent and purposes, Spike? Perhaps the hologram wasn't programmed to recognize mirror images, or perhaps the hologram didn't know what he looked like. He'd have to pick someone's brain about how holodecks worked, but right now, he had to leave before he was bent over the chair begging to be taken like some sick pervert.
- I Have An Appointment With Eternity
"We did good, didn't we?"
"We sure did, sir," Rigby said.
"The perfect team."
"Like two nuts in a sac."
- I Have An Appointment With Eternity
Angel stopped in front of the ramp to Lightning's Lady. "Didn't I tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Spike said with exasperation.
"I have an appointment with eternity,"Angel replied. He grinned. "Want to come along for the ride?"
Spike stared at his sire for a moment. "That has to be the cheesiest thing I have ever heard."
Angel winked, then turned and headed up the ramp. He paused at the top and looked back at Spike. "Are you coming?"
Spike's mouth turned up into the most wicked grin Angel had ever seen. "Should I even bother to answer that?"
- I Have An Appointment With Eternity
He should have kept the door closed. The stench hit him like a wall, making him stagger back. He pulled his shirt up over his face and tried not to vomit, as he peered into the room. The open window shade let the streetlight enter and allowed him to see something he never wanted to see again.
Rats. Everywhere there were rats. Piles of dead ones, half-eaten ones, headless ones, live ones scurrying around between knee-high mountains of carcases. The air was thick with flies, their buzzing filling the room. Blood stained the floor that he could see, mixed with animal entrails and feces.
Exiting his suite, he almost ran into one of the vampires whom he wished to do bodily harm. "Angel, you old fart," Spike greeted. "Just the wanker I wanted to kill."
"Clan? As in a clan of vampires?"
"It isn't a clan of knitters."
"...If any of you get any ideas, I will skin you with a vegetable peeler, then lock you in a room and make you listen to Barney until your bloody head explodes. Got it?"
"Since when did you get so saucy, little Witch?"
"Since I found out you were a slob who knows whom Statler and Waldorf are by name," she replied. "Since I found out you mutter to yourself in Spanish sometimes, for some odd reason. Since I found out that you watch Gigglesnort Hotel at 5:30 in the morning wearing nothing but Mighty Mouse boxers that read 'Here I come to Save the Day' while you eat Booberry cereal."
Spike was actually blushing by the time she finished. "Yeah, well, I know that you...you..." Willow arched her brow again. "Have a hole in your yellow socks," he finished. **Now that wasn't lame.** "And I don't eat Booberry cereal."
"Oh, yeah, that's right," Willow said.
"Yeah, that's right."
"It's Count Chocula."
"Don't you dare," Angel hissed to the screen.
The screen went dark in reply.
With a savage roar, the dark-haired vampire leapt to his feet and was out the door in seconds. He had two people to see in Sunnydale.
Spike, to thank him for sending the tape.
And Riley Finn, to kill him for doing the taping.
Black Doc Martins. Black jeans. Black t-shirt. Leather duster. Cheekbones. Piercing blue eyes. Scar. Peroxide-blond hair. Attitude she could feel from where she was sitting.
"Ok," Willow replied. She gave him a small smile. "Look. We're talking. With words and not uncomfortable silences."
Giles moved so that he was now in front of Cordelia, who gave him a patronizing shake of her head. "Only you would turn a demon into a can of soda and only Faith would drink it." Faith let out a loud belch in retort and the former cheerleader sighed. "Why do I put up with you people?"
"I'm dead," Angel said, not moving his arm from over his eyes. The occupants in the room laughed at his terrible pun. "Oh, sure. Laugh at the dead guy."
-MIBs
"I think I know the words to the Beatles," Angel frowned at him.
"I think it's 'lemme pinch 'er on 'er rear,' mate," Spike chimed in, his own accent thicker.
"Give her another glass of beer?" Buffy added her two cents worth.
"Cordy, please don't hit that deer," Xander joined in the fun.
"Watch it! Or my makeup will smear," Cordelia said, a proud smile on her face for coming up with that one.
"Ooh, good one," Buffy said. "What about you Wills?"
"Um...Can you screw her into tears?" Willow said.
"Well, Buffy?" Willow asked devilishly.
If it was possible, her smile grew even larger. "Now I know why his nickname's Spike." Laughter rang up from the Scooby Gang as the night began to fade into day.
"Buffy, I have a question for you." She turned to her friend and watched as Buffy fussed with her bridesmaid dress.
"Shoot."
"How do I keep from laughing when the rabbi says 'As long as you both shall live'?"
' "Bitchin'," Faith said. She followed Buffy out of her bedroom. "One problem. We don't have wheels. Or licenses."
"But we have a Xander." '
"I went on a little holiday this week." He looked up at her and grinned. "A sort of soul searching holiday."
Willow giggled. "Did you find any?"
"A few at Wal-Mart," he replied. "They're in the aisle with the loo cleaners."
"I read in the ads they were having a two-for-one sale on them," she commented.
-Short Silly Fics: The Summer Series
"Yeah, what about me?" Xander said.
"Jail," Cordelia and Angel replied simultaneously. They exchanged grins.
"Um, why?" Xander said.
"You have a way with picking girls, numb-nuts," Angel said. He raised his voice so he was speaking in falsetto. "'Just keep the motor running, honey. I have to run into the bank and make a withdrawal. Oh, and if you hear lots of gunfire, it's not me, k?.'" He giggled like an airhead and pretended to push long hair over his shoulder.
"You do that very well, Ang," Cordelia said. "Should I worry?"
"Like, no way," Angel replied in the same falsetto. He winked at her.
"Were you born this demented, or did it come with the demon?" Buffy said.
"One hundred percent, pure-bred dementia," Spike told her. "The demon is sane compared to the man in me."
"You're two hundred fucking years old," Spike growled, banging his head on the hard wall around the side of the restaurant. "Get," < bang > "A," < bang > "Grip." He spun and started thumping the back of his head on the wall instead. "Where's all that bloody control you pride yourself on? Just because the Slayer looks delicious, don't mean you can grab her and shag her in a bleedin' four-star restaurant!"
"Spike, why are you banging your head against the wall at my favorite restaurant?"
Spike stopped and turned to see Cordelia standing there, arms crossed, dressed to the nines. "Well?" she said. Then a look of realization stole over her face, and she smirked. "I guess you like the dress. I told Buffy she'd turn you into a blubbering idiot. Do I know the male gender, or what?"
"I should go help," Willow said. "Or Giles is liable to speak English and no one will understand him."
"...and don't call me Billy!"
Buffy froze with the door blocking her view of anything higher. Her mind
was telling her that seeing her enemy sans clothing was not something
she should do. Her hormones and everything else that made her a
red-blooded woman were screaming at her, telling her to get her butt in
that bedroom and check out the obviously fine specimen of male. After a
brief debate, the woman won over rationality, and she entered the
bedroom.
"You've already inferred that five bloody times, Slayer," Spike said.
"You're starting to sound like a broken recording."
"Isn't it suppose to be 'a broken record'?" Nia asked.
"Isn't it suppose to be 'a broken record'?" Buffy said.
Spike lowered his head and rubbed his eyes as Nia chuckled. "Swell," he muttered. "Worse than bleedin' parrots."
"Then we won't dance," Spike replied with a shrug, not letting her go.
He gave her a wicked grin. "Think of this as sex with clothes on."
"Whee!" Willow squealed. She was now straddling his head, one leg on each side, holding onto his hair. He started to walk to the Bronze. "This is so cool! I feel like a Basketball player."
"Which one?"
"Wayne Gretzsky."
Angel laughed. "He's a hockey player, Willow."
"Oh. My bad," Willow said with a giggle. "Um...Joe Namath?"
"Football."
"Babe Ruth."
"Baseball...wait, you had to know that!"
Willow laughed again and Angel joined her. Their merriment echoed in the deserted streets. "How 'bout Arnold Palmer?"
"Golf," Angel replied.
"Mark Hammil."
"Wasn't he in Star Wars?"
Her face suddenly appeared in front of him, and Angel stumbled slightly at the upside down grin. "Opps. I meant Scott Hammil. The Ice skater."
"If you already knew he was an ice skater, why did you say him?" Angel asked, his eyes alight with happiness.
"I forgot what sport we started with," Willow answered, her hair swinging like a red curtain.
"Me, too," Angel admitted. He grinned at her. "I think you got me snookered, my fair maiden."
"Why are you two drunk?" Xander finally asked when Willow calmed down.
"We're celebrating," Willow said.
"Celebrating what?" Xander prompted his friend.
"Sexy Bare feet!" Willow exclaimed.
"You think I'm smart, don't you, honey?" Angel asked her.
"Ang, you couldn't find your brain if someone took it out of your head and handed it to you," Cordelia said.
"But if you kill me, I'll be really mad."
-Short Silly Fics: The Summer Series
**That's my cap in her back pocket,** Spike thought. **To be that cap...woah, mate, get your thoughts out of her pocket.**
"Oh, Harmony, the gas station just called," Cordelia said sweetly. "It's time to refill your head with air." Harmony rolled her eyes, then walked away, her lemmings following on her heels. The three friends looked at Cordelia with amazement. "Hey, only I'm allowed to pick on Willow."
"So basically we don't have vampires, we have cats," Buffy said.
"Yup. Great big sexy cats," the red head replied.
"I think the way he talks is neat," the hacker said. "Kinda like a different language."
"Will, you think Latin is cool," Buffy said. Willow shrugged, smile on her lips. "Anyway, life still sucks."
"What about Spike? He's a highlight," she pointed out.
"He sucks, too," Buffy replied, wiggling her eyebrows.
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
Violence. Such an elegant word to the one who craves it, embraces it. Violence gives off a natural high, an adrenaline rush not accomplished with any drug, any religion, any sexual act. And it is with this natural high that a fighter can become better, more fluid, more graceful, more powerful if they know how to use it, know how to harness it. Very few know how, for it is a combination of emotion and skill, is both mental and physical, takes cunning and agility. With this high, a midget could take on a giant and win. Or a Slayer and a vampire.
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
When they made love, it was like the heavens were singing, no matter that he had no soul. And each time he said her name, the sky would burst into all the colors of the rainbow, showering her with joy and wonder that this man could love her. And love her he did, a tender, all encompassing love that made her quiver with its intensity, its fire engulfing her wholly, truly, completely. The only barrier to their love was that he was a vampire. And she was the Slayer. The last time she ignored that fact, lives were destroyed, including the one whose heart she now held.
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
"So, what did a gee like you get your skirt last Valentine's Day?" James asked Angel.
"A heart," Angel replied, guilt weighing heavily on his mind.
"What kind? Chocolate? Paper?"
"Human."
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
"That thing you said to Willow earlier, what did you mean?" Buffy asked as they circled the Chase's property.
"What thing was that, pet?" Spike said, walking backwards so he could see her as they patrolled. He was still high on love, in fact he doubted he'd ever come down.
"She said you didn't have a soul and you said 'who's says I don't,'" she replied. "What did you mean?"
"What do you think I meant?"
Buffy scowled at him. "Stop that!"
"Stop what?"
"Answering my questions with a question!"
"Am I doing that?"
"Aargh!"
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
"I know sometimes on the sly you do it, maybe even you and I might do it. Let's do it, let's fall in love." Buffy rolled her eyes once again at the song. Only he would know something so wacky.
But then again, love makes you do the wacky. Or, in his case, sing it.
-The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
"Willow, if anyone ever tells you that you are a nerd," Angel said. "Take it as a compliment. I'd rather be with a girl who had brains over beauty any day."
"Then what were you doing with Buffy?" Willow asked, then gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh, I can not believe I just said that!"
"I didn't mean for you to feel excluded," she answered. "You're my friend and I'm glad you're back to your old self. Before the new self, which is now the old self because you changed again, which, technically would be the new self. Unless we classify it as the new new self. Or maybe the old self to the old old self..."
"Bloody hell," Spike said, his eyes trailing after the female vampire. "You know, being a vampire was suppose to be easy. Eat who you want, when you want, and you live forever," he said to an invisible companion. "Granted you miss out on a sunrise or two, but they're overrated."
- Finals
The bedroom door closed and the two remaining friends looked at each other. "Why do I get the feeling they won't be out for awhile?" Xander said.
"Because your mind is like mine," Faith said. "Dirty to the core."
Clothing landed wherever it had been taken off; magazines, books and open cd cases were stacked on every available surface; his Princess's dolls could be found in the most interesting places. Once he'd found Lady Lynn in the freezer wearing a small parka made out of one of the Slayer's socks holding a plastic spoon with a paper flag taped to it. Drusilla told him she was on an expedition. He wondered for days where she got that idea from until he found her watching the Discovery Channel one night and Constance in the oven, or 'the Sahara.' It had taken him close to a month to get rid of all the melted plastic.
"Miss Edith likes soup," she informed him. "She likes the ones with the fun guys in them."
"Fun guys?" Spike asked, confused. Then he realized what he meant and he rubbed his temples. Perhaps he was getting one of those dreaded headaches the Slayer sometimes got, as she claimed, from hanging around him too much. "Oh, mushrooms."
"Whole rooms of mush, yum," Drusilla said, snapping her teeth at him playfully.
"Go to hell, Angel," Buffy said, not raising her voice. "And stay there this time."
"Giles, I need a woman," Xander said, slamming the book he was reading shut.
Giles didn't look up from his own tome. "You don't say."
"I mean, come on, look at me," he continued. "What woman wouldn't want some of this?"
"What woman, indeed," Giles said.
"That's right," Xander said. "I am Xander, Child of the Beast, vampire in leather. Women can't resist the leather."
"So I've been told."
"Then why don't I have one?" He stood and added the book he was reading to the discard pile. "Angel has Cordy, the Oz-meister has Willow, Spike has Buff, and me? I have Rosy and her five friends."
"Six at once, how impressive," Giles murmured.
Spike dropped the Slayer unceremoniously to her feet, then turned and slammed the door shut and pushed a heavy shelf against it. There was no way in Angel making a second facial expression that they were going to be interrupted.
"Picture the ramifications of this relationship," Xander said. "Hi, I'm shacking up with a bloodsucking, soul-less demon who likes to torture people with railroad spikes for fun. How are you?"
"I didn't know you knew such a big word," Giles replied drolly.
"And the tweed man becomes a comedian," Xander said. "Can life get any worse?"
"Um...Giles?" Angel said softly, standing in the doorway of the library.
"That was a rhetorical question!" Xander shouted up towards the ceiling.
"Kindestod," she told him.
"Gesundheit," he replied.
"Tonight at the Bronze," Oz replied. "We've been getting a lot of play there lately. Don't understand why."
"Maybe it's because you guys play for peanuts," Buffy suggested.
"We've moved up from peanuts to cashews last week," Oz corrected. "Next stop - almonds."
"I think Angel was the magick user of their little 'family'," Buffy said. "Drusilla got the visions and Spike was... well, I don't know what he was. Entertainment?"
Willow giggled. "Yeah, he played the kazoo."
"And had those little knee cymbals," Buffy added with a grin.
"Anyway, I need a decoy."
"Do I look like a duck?"
"Fresh from the photo lab," Xander said, entering the back corner of the library with Cordelia. He waved several Polaroids in the air. "You'll have to ignore the blemish on them. I couldn't airbrush Cordy out."
Buffy frowned. She didn't want to think of Angel. She wanted to find a nice, solid table and screw Spike on it.
The first sensations she felt afterwards were cool, soft kisses on her forehead, on both of her eyelids, her cheeks, her lips. Next, her heart slowed enough for her to pick up quiet purring and then she felt the vibrations from his chest pressed against hers. Finally, she was able to open her eyes to find that heaven looked a lot like Spike's bedroom.
A cocky grin spread over his face and he glanced down at the Slayer. He couldn't believe she was teasing him with Angel right there. He couldn't believe how ridiculously happy that made him feel. He couldn't believe how well he could see down her top.
"Woah," Oz commented.
"I say that about sums that up," Xander said.
"There's more," Buffy said.
"Ok, I guess it doesn't sum that up," Xander said.
"An' iffin I remembers right, I was pissed as a rat an' this bog-trotting ponce fancied a bit, an' seein' as 'e was a bit of alright, I thought, what the 'ell, why not give it a go? Then the bloody tosser went an' turned me. After that, it didn't matter."
Buffy stared at Spike. "Was a single word of what you just said in English?"
"Slayer, you're blushing," Spike said, his grin growing. "I think someone liked me before we made our little deal."
"Did not," Buffy replied.
"Liar," he stated.
"What about you?" she said, trying to turn the tables.
"I've always liked me," Spike answered.
"Don't bother to threaten me, mate," Spike said. "I've been scarier places than a prison. Ohio, for one."
"Silence!" she snapped. "I have a message for Angelus."
"What do I look like, an answering service?"
"If you call killing all my children and injuring two of my close friends revenge, then yes," Angel replied.
"She pulled the plug on a soap opera?"